Elizabeth Harper Neeld - Seven Choices: Finding Daylight after Loss Shatters Your World

AUTHORS NOTE: The stories told in Seven Choices are true. In order to honor the privacy of the more than sixty generous individuals who were willing to tell me the stories of their grieving process, I have altered names and other distinguishing features of the accounts. In addition, in telling my own story I have looked backward with eyes that can now see pattern, order, significance, and progression in what at the time was often only random, unconnected events. I have told the truth of my story at the same time that I have, on occasion, telescoped events, consolidated meanings, and altered strict chronological sequence in order to provide lucidity and precision in the discussion of the grieving process.

Grateful acknowledgment is given to the New York Times for the following: From About MenThe Death of a Son by Albert F. Knight. Copyright 1986 by the New York Times Company. From Sea Sculpture by Ronald Pease. Copyright 1981 by the New York Times Company. From Middle-Age Dating by Noel Perrin. Copyright 1986 by the New York Times Company. Reprinted with permission.

This book was originally published as Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to New Life after Losing Someone You Love.

Copyright 1990 by Neeld & Need, Inc.

Copyright 2003 by Elizabeth Harper Neeld

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

This Warner Books edition is published by arrangement with Centerpoint Press, a division of MBI Publishing, 6706 Beauford Drive, Austin, TX 78750.

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First eBook Edition: December 2008

ISBN: 978-0-446-55538-8

Warner Books and the W logo are trademarks of Time Warner Inc. or an affiliated company. Used under license by Hachette Book Group USA, which is not affiliated with Time Warner Inc.

Cover design by Brigid Pearson

Book design by Charles A. Sutherland

Text Illustrations by HRoberts Design

ACCLAIM FOR SEVEN CHOICES

Compelling substance a gifted writer. Elizabeth Neeld clearly meets Samuel Johnsons first criterion for genius.

Washington Post

Sound advice on how to adjust to change and form new life patterns and human bonds.

Publishers Weekly

A useful, wide-ranging work trenchant pertinent.

Kirkus Reviews

A highly original and meaningful approach to the grieving process.

Psychology Today

An affirmation of the power of the grieving process, a source of hope and validation. Dr. Neeld clearly goes well beyond a focus on coping (which is necessary) and acceptance to the importance of integration and self-empowerment.

Dr. John Schneider, author of Stress, Loss and Grief

A profound book deeply compassionate and very wise.

Coast Book Review Service

Elizabeth Harper Neeld gives lessons written from experience and from the heart on rehabilitating your life when you are alone. This book is about becoming a person of joy.

Liz Carpenter, author of Getting Better All the Time

Unfortunately, there is no one-minute way to grieve. But Elizabeth Harper Neeld gives us the steps we must take to lead full lives again.

Ken Blanchard, author of The One Minute Manager

Also by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D.

Writing, 1, 2, 3 Editions

Writing Brief, 1, 2, 3 Editions

Readings for Writing

The Way a Writer Reads

Writing: A Short Course

Options for the Teaching of English: The Undergraduate Curriculum

Either Way Will Hurt & Other Essays on English (ed.)

Harper & Row Studies in Language and Literature (ed.)

Fairy Tales of the Sea (ed.)

From the Plow to the Pulpit (ed.)

Yes! You Can Write (audio)

Sister Bernadette: Cowboy Nun from Texas (co-author)

A Sacred Primer: The Essential Guide to Quiet Time and Prayer

For Rachel and Tommie

Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a team to bring a book from a thought in the authors imagination to a bound copy in a readers hand. Without Chris Tomasino, my agent, who has represented and supported my work for more than a decade, this edition of Seven Choices would still be an idea instead of a reality. Chriss creativity, indefatigable energy, and commitment both to this book and to its author make her a friend and colleague I never want to be without. Caryn Karmatz-Rudy, my editor at Warner, is one of the most compassionate human beings I have ever met. Her commitment to making this book available to as broad a readership as possible has never wavered from the day she first read Seven Choices, while riding on the train from Pennsylvania to New York City, to the day we could all say the long publishing process had been completed. I count myself blessed to have both Chris and Caryn as partners.

Carol Anderson put a professional touch to the copyediting of the book, and Charles Sutherland created the new design. Howard Roberts drew the map of the Terrain of the Active Grieving Process. Brigid Pearson is responsible for a cover that speaks quiet hope. Keri Friedman saw that readers, the media, and professionals knew that the book was available. I am grateful for their specialized, creative skills. Adina Neufeld made sure all the research and references were accurate and up-to-date. Joey Bieber shot the authors photograph at the same time that she delighted me with her exuberance for living.

In the Directory can be found the wisdom of three friends who contributed generously to Seven Choices. Ann Rachlin, M.B.E., of London, provides suggestions for selections of music that are appropriate for each of the seven sets of experiencesfrom Impact to Integration. It was Anns support and ingenuity that made Seven Choices available to many of her associates and friends in Great Britain. Ione Jenson, educator, author, lecturer, and psycho-spiritual therapist with degrees in education, counseling, and psychology, writes about how to help children who are grieving. A new section on helping teenagers deal with grief and loss is provided by Colleen OGrady, supervisor, consultant, and trainer of family therapy in child and adolescent psychiatry at the University of Texas Mental Science Institute in Houston. Professor John Bradley suggested a list of movies about grief. Charles Anderson, professor at the University of Arkansas in Little Rock, contributed a story that appears in the Working Through: Finding Solid Ground chapter about the definition and power of memory that readers say is one of the most helpful insights in the book.

Susan Echrich, in her leadership in the Grief and Loss Program of AARP, together with her colleagues Susan Duhamel, Kathy Wood, Judy Fink, Tim Wollerman, Selima Nelson, Nancy Griffin, Bill Moore, Tom Young, Eunice Hofmeyer, Dorothy McConnell, Ida Nezey, Florence Williams, Mary Yarber, Ann Black, and all the AARP Grief and Loss Program volunteers around the United States, inspire me to continue to do whatever I can to be of help to people who are grieving.