Robert Kroese - Mercury Falls

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

This novel was originally published in a slightly different form from St. Culain Press in 2009.

Text copyright 2010 Robert Kroese
All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

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ISBN: 978-1-935597-15-5

For Julia, the angel looking over my shoulder.

With thanks to Teri Ahlstrom, Joel Bezaire, Neva Cheatwood, Jim deJonge, Jocelyn Pihlaja, and John Sellers for their unwavering support and invaluable assistance.

To Your Holiness, the High Council of the Seraphim,

Greetings from your humble servant, Ederatz,

Cherub First Class,

Order of the Mundane Observation Corps

The first thing you'll notice about this report is that it's written in English. I have to apologize for that; after a few millennia on Earth I'm a little rusty in High Seraphic. Also, while the language of the angels is incontrovertibly more melodious than any earth-bound tongue, it lacks a number of words which are central to the telling of a story of such epic grandeur, such as linoleum , ping-pon g, and dickweed .

I have abandoned the anapestic tetrameter form traditionally used for these reports, as it is surprisingly difficult to adapt to English. I got as far as:

White balls bouncing in the house of the one

And the corners of linoleum are peeling in the sun

I think this couplet has a certain epic feel to it, but on the downside it took me three weeks to write. In addition, I'm afraid this account has a bit more moral ambiguity than is really suited for the traditional form. I know, I'm supposed to clear up the gray areas and present things in black and white, but you'd be amazed at how complicated things have gotten here recently. In fact, it's hard to even know what bits to include in the story. Who's the main character? What's the point of the story? Could it be adapted into a TV movie? Your guess is as good as mine. Although it is true that HBO has expressed some interest.

Until now relations between Heaven and the Mundane Plane have been a one-way street. To us it was all about following the all-important Schedule of Plagues, Announcements, and Miracles. We made little adjustments here and there to keep history moving in the right direction, but we never actually got involved in what was going on. I'm sure you're familiar with the motto of the Mundane Observation Corps: Eternally Objective . I always took this motto very seriously. Many of my fellow cherubim tend, in fact, to be objective to the point of downright hostility.

Mercury was not, of course, an agent of the MOC. Mercury got his hands dirty on countless occasions. But in a way the motto applies even more to angels in his position. It was understood that whatever he did, he was expected above all not to care . I suppose you could see his actions as the logical consequence of that philosophy.

On the other hand, what do I know? You're the ones making the important decisions. I suppose you have agents trying to track down Mercury as you're reading this, and you probably have a pretty good idea of what you're going to do whenor ifyou find him. Or maybe you're reading this with an open mind, hoping to find the answers to all the big questions. What was he trying to accomplish? On whose authority was he acting? Did he really build a snowman the height of a three-story building? And of course, what you need in order to answer those questions is a completely objective account of events.

Too bad I can't give you one.

As you know, the Mundane Observation Corps has access to a staggering amount of information; our agents are everywhere, recording anything of interest that happens on the Mundane Plane. This information is, however, useless unless it is framed in some kind of coherent narrative. In the past, the frame has been provided for us; the MOC has always been able to rely on the inexorable unfolding of the Divine Plan.

Like it or not, however, the events of this story have broken this frame. I've had to create my own frame, based on my own understanding of events. Your frame is sure to be different. I guess that's the one thing I'd like you to keep in mind as you read this. This report isn't just a book full of facts for you to absorb. As you read it, you're inevitably going to try to incorporate it into your own frame.

Good luck figuring it all out.

But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

Matthew 24:36 (King James Version)

The results of this study indicate that the month of September of the year 1994 is to be the time for the end of history...Look, let's put it this way. My wife came to me and said we needed new linoleum in the kitchen. I told her that we should hold off on the effort and the expense of doing it until October or November of 1994.

The Reverend Harold Camping, in 1991

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Woody Allen