John Scalzi - A Voice in the Wilderness

Albert Birnbaum, the Voice in the Wilderness and once the fourth most popular audio talk show host in the United States, told his car to ring his producer. Are the numbers in? he asked when she answered, not bothering to introduce himself, because, well. Aside from the caller ID, she would know who he was the second he opened his mouth.

The numbers are in, Louisa Smart said, to Birnbaum. He imagined her at her desk, headset on, mostly because he almost never saw her in any other context.

How are they? Birnbaum asked. Are they good? Are they better than last month? Tell me they are better than last month.

Are you sitting down? Smart asked.

Im driving, Louisa, Birnbaum said. Of course Im sitting down.

Youre not supposed to be driving yourself, Smart reminded him. Youve had your manual driving license pulled. If you get pulled over and they check your cars trip monitor and see you have the autodrive off, youre going to get it.

Youre my producer, Louisa, Birnbaum said. Not my mom. Now quit stalling and give me the numbers.

Smart sighed. Youre down twelve percent from last month, she said.

What? Bullshit, Louisa, Birnbaum said.

Al, why the hell would I lie to you? Smart asked. You think I like listening to you panic?

Thats gotta be bullshit, Birnbaum continued, ignoring Smarts comment. Theres no possible way we can lose one listener in eight in a single goddamn month.

I dont make up the numbers, Al, Smart said. I just tell you what they are.

Birnbaum said nothing for a few seconds. Then he started hitting his dashboard, making him swerve on the road. Shit! he said. Shit shit fuck shit shit shittity shit!

Sometimes its amazing to me that you talk for a living, Smart said.

Im off the clock, Birnbaum said. Im allowed to be inarticulate on my own time.

These numbers mean that youre down by a third for the year, Smart said. Youre going to miss your ad guarantees. Again. That means were going to have to do another set of make-goods. Again.

I know how it works, Louisa, Birnbaum said.

It means were going to finish the quarter in the red, Smart said. Thats two quarters out of the last three were down. You know what that means.

It doesnt mean anything other than we make sure were in the black next quarter, Birnbaum said.

Wrong again, Strong said. It means that Walter puts you on his watch list. And when Walter puts you on the watch list, youre one step away from cancellation. Then that Voice in the Wilderness bit of yours wont just be a clever affectation. You really will be out in the cold.

Walters not going to cancel me, Birnbaum said. Im his favorite talk show host.

You remember Bob Arrohead? The guy you replaced? He was Walters favorite, too, Smart said. And then he had three bad quarters in a row and he was out on his ass. Walter didnt build a multibillion media empire by being sentimental about his favorites. Hed cancel his grandmother if she had three red quarters in a row.

I could make it alone if I had to, Birnbaum said. Run a lean, mean operation on my own. Its totally possible.

Thats what Bob Arrohead does now, Smart said. You should ask him how thats working out for him. If you can find him. If you can find anyone who knows how to find him.

Yes, but he doesnt have you, Birnbaum said. He was not above base flattery.

And Smart was not above throwing it back in his face. And if you get canceled and leave SilverDelta, neither will you, she said. My contract is with the company, not with you, Al. But thank you so much for the attempted head pat. Where are you, anyway?

Im heading to Bens soccer match, Birnbaum said.

Your kids soccer match doesnt start until four thirty, Al, Smart said. You need to lie better to someone who has your calendar up on her screen. Youre going off to meet the groupie you met at the Broadcasters Association meeting, arent you?

I dont know who youre talking about, Birnbaum said.

Smart sighed, and then Birnbaum heard her count to five, quietly. You know what? Youre right. Im not your mother, she said. You want to bang some groupie, again, fine with me. Just bear in mind that Walter is not going to be as free with the hush money when youre two quarters in the red as he was when you were his top earner. And remember that you have no prenup, and Judith, unlike your second wife, is not stupid, but you might be, which is how she maneuvered you into not having a prenup. I hope the validation of your middle-aged ego and three minutes of exercise is worth it.

I treasure these calls, Louisa, Birnbaum said. Especially your subtle digs at my sexual technique.

Spend less time banging groupies and more time on your show, Al, Smart said. Youre not fading because your politics have suddenly gotten unpopular. Youre fading because youre getting lazy and bored. You get lazy and bored in this business, and guess what? Youre out of the business. And then the groupies dry up.

Thanks for that image, Birnbaum said.

Im not kidding, Al, Smart said. You got a quarter to turn it around. You know it and so do I. You better get to work. She disconnected.

They caught up to him as he was heading out of the lobby of the hotel. Mr. Birnbaum, the young man said to him.

Birnbaum held up his hand and tried to keep walking. Cant sign autographs now, he said. Im going to be late for my kids soccer match.

Im not here for an autograph, the young man said to him. Im here with a business proposition.

You can direct those to my manager, Birnbaum said, yelling back to the young man as he blew past. Thats what I pay Chad to do: field business propositions.

Down twelve percent this month, Mr. Birnbaum? the young man called out to him as he headed into the revolving door.

Birnbaum took the entire circuit of the revolving door and came back to the young man. Excuse me? he said.

I said, Down twelve percent? the young man said.

How do you know about my numbers? Birnbaum said. Thats proprietary information.

A talk show host who spends as much time as you do linking to leaked documents and video shouldnt need to ask a question like that, the young man said. How I know your numbers isnt really the important thing here, Mr. Birnbaum. The important thing here is how I can help you get those numbers up.

Im sorry, I have no idea who you are, Birnbaum said. As a corollary to that, I have no idea why I should care about or listen to you.

My name is Michael Washington, the young man said. On my own, I am no one you should particularly care about. The people who I represent, you might want to listen to.

And who are they? Birnbaum said.

A group who knows the advantage of a mutually beneficial relationship, Washington said.

Birnbaum smiled. Thats it? Are you serious? A shadowy, mysterious group? Look, Michael, I may get traction on conspiracy theories from time to time-theyre fun and the listeners love em. It doesnt mean I think they actually exist.

Theyre neither shadowy nor mysterious, Washington said. They simply prefer to remain anonymous at this point.

How nice for them, Birnbaum said. When theyre serious about whatever thing it is they want, and they have names, they can talk to Chad. Otherwise youre wasting my time and theirs.

Washington offered Birnbaum his card. I understand entirely, Mr. Birnbaum, and apologize for taking up your time. However, once you have your meeting with Walter tomorrow, if you change your mind, heres how you can reach me.

Birnbaum didnt take the card. I dont have a meeting scheduled with Walter tomorrow, he said.

Just because you dont have it scheduled doesnt mean youre not going to have it, Washington said. He waggled the card slightly.