Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

William Shakespears

The Jedi Doth Return

by Ian Doescher

FOR BOB, MY DAD, WHO NEER CUT OFF MY HAND.
FOR BETH, MY MOM, WHO NEVER WED MY UNCLE.
AND FOR MY BROTHER ERIK, WHO NEER TRIED
(AS LEIA DID) TO KISS A BROTHERS LIPS.

Dramatis Personae

Prologue

O join us, friends and mortals, on the scene
Another chapter of our cosmic tale.
Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine,
To save his friend Han Solo from his jail
Within the grasp of Jabba of the Hutt.
But while Luke doth the timely rescue scheme,
The vile Galactic Empire now hath cut
New plans for a space station with a beam
More awful than the first feard Death Stars blast.
This weapon ultimate shall, when complete,
Mean doom for those within the rebel cast
Who fight to earn the taste of freedom sweet.
In time so long ago begins our play,
In hope-filld galaxy far, far away.

Act I

Scene 1.

Cease to persuade, my grovling Jerjerrod,
Long-winded Moffs have ever snivling wits.
Tis plain to me thy progress falls behind
And lacks the needed motivation. Thus,
I have arrivd to set thy schedule right.

Aye, we are honord by your presence, Lord.
To have you here is unexpected joy.

Thou mayst dispense with evry pleasantry.
Thy fawning words no intrest hold for me.
So cease thy prating over my arrival
And tell me how thou shalt correct thy faults.

I tell thee truly, Lord, my men do work
As quickly as each one is capable
No more is possible for them to do.

Mayhap I shall find new, creative ways
To motivate them.

Lord, Ill warrant that
The station shall be operational
Within the date and time that have been set.
Upon my honor I may make such claim.

The Emperor, however, doth not share
Thine optimistic attitude thereon.

But, Lord, he doth expect thimpossible!
I need more bodies to fulfill this task.
If I had but a hundred able souls
To work alongside those already here,
Twould be far simpler to complete the work
And make this Death Star ready when tis due.

Thou wilt have opportunity to ask
The Empror for these further workers, for
He shall arrive upon the Death Star soon.

[ aside:] O news that fills my heart with utter dread!
[ To Darth Vader:] The Emperor himself shall come here?

Aye.
Displeasd is he with thy thorough lack
Of progress on this station incomplete.

Our efforts shall be doubled instantly!

I do hope so, Commander, for thy sake
The Emperor is known for being less
Forgiving than myself. Pray, is that clear?

It is, Lord Vader, perfectly. Thy words
I hear and shall obey. With gratitude
I praise thee for thine honesty herein.

The scene is set for this, the final act.
I shall destroy the rebels, one and all,
And turn young Luke, my son, unto the dark.
It is the role I play, my destiny
The grand performance for which I am made.
Come, author of the dark side of the Force,
Make me the servant of thy quill and write
The tale wherein my son and I are seald
As one. Come, take mine evry doubt from me,
And fashion from my heart of flesh and wires
A perfect actor: callous, cold, and harsh.
Let this, the second Death Star, be the stage,
And all the galaxy be setting to
The greatest moment of my narrative:
The scene in which the Empires fight is won
Whilst I decide the Fate of mine own son.

Scene 2.

Again, R2, we are on Tatooine.
I would not eer have venturd to return
Unto this place most desolate and wild,
Except that Master Luke hath sent us here
Upon an errand. Yet I know not what
Our message is, but only that I should
To Jabba of the Hutt deliver it.
O place most barrenI have missd thee not.

Beep, squeak?

Indeed I am afraid, R2,
And so shouldst thou be, too, for Lando of
Calrissian and brave Chewbacca neer
Returnd from here.

Beep, whistle, squeak.

Be not
So certain, R2, for if thou didst know
But half of all that I have heard about
This Jabba of the Hutthis cruelty, how
He tortures innocents, and all the beasts
He keeps to do his willbelike thou wouldst
Short-circuit.

Hoo.

And now we have arrivd.
But art thou sure this is the place, R2?
Mayhap tis best if I do knock? [ He knocks.]
Alas,
Theres none to see us in, so let us go!

[ aside:] Now heres a knocking, indeed! If a droid
Were porter of the Force here in this place,
He should have rust for lack of turning key.
I pray, remember the poor porter droid.
[ To C-3PO and R2-D2:] Ngetchoo gadda gooda, einja meh.

My goodness! What foul greetings this? [ To droid:] R2-D2wah.

Haku! Danna mee bicchu.

Bo C-3POwah, ey.

Ai waijay uh.

Odd toota mischka Jabba o du Hutt.

Kuju gwankee? Mypee gaza, ho ho!

Methinks they shall not let us in, what shame!
Still, well may it be said that we have tried,
For never would I give up easily
When sent forth on a task by Master Luke.
Yet we have tried and were refusd here,
Thus, who could blame us for departing hence?
Let us depart now, aye, together fly!

O pity, it doth open and release
Mine utmost fears. Now must we venture in.