Anne Katherine M.A - When misery is company : end self-sabotage and become content

WHEN MISERY
IS COMPANY

End Self-Sabotage and Become Content

Anne Katherine

Hazelden
Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176

1-800-328-0094
1-651-213-4590 (Fax)
www.hazelden.org

2004 by Anne Katherine
All rights reserved. Published 2004
Printed in the United States of America
No portion of this publication, except The Big Picture Box in Chapter 2, the Calling Your Sponsor box in Chapter Twenty-Four, and , may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 1-59285-084-7
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-61649-132-1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Katherine, Anne.
When misery is company : end self-sabotage and become content /
Anne Katherine.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 1-59285-084-7 (softcover)
1. Self-defeating behavior. 2. Happiness. 3. Self-actualization
(Psychology) 4. Compulsive behaviorPatientsRehabilitation.
5. AddictsRehabilitation. I. Title.

RC455.4.S43K38 2004
158.1dc22

2003057130

Authors note
This publication is intended to provide authoritative and accurate information and is up-to-date and timely as of its date of publication; however, it is not meant to replace the services of a trained professional, therapy group, or recovery group. This book is sold with the understanding that the publisher and author are not rendering individual psychological services, or individual services of any kind, to the reader. Should such services be necessary, please consult an appropriate professional.

The great majority of the examples in this book are true experiences of my clients, accurately presented (although, to provide anonymity, in all cases I have changed peoples names, and in some cases I have altered potentially identifying details). In all such cases I have requested and received explicit permission to include peoples stories. In a handful of cases, when I did not have a good real-life example, I have created composite people and situations or (in very few cases) created fictional people and situations.

It is important to note that throughout this book, I alternate between using she and he to facilitate ease of reading. Nearly every example fits either gender.

08 07 06 05 04 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover design by Theresa Gedig
Interior design by Rachel Holscher
Typesetting by Stanton Publication Services, Inc.

TO

Uncle Bud

(Charles Edward Wolflin)
Beloved uncle, a man of true and sterling goodness

Susanne and Tom Stein

Who carry cousinship to a pampered level of generosity and spirit

Jill and Kevin Shea

Thanksgiving for a friendship that deepens every year

And, of course,

Sherry Ascher

For treating my writing as a Real Job

Christine Lockhart
Who keeps my practice, and my life, intact,
for her dedication to our dreams, her soul, her wisdom,
and her cheesecake

Scott Edelstein
Who always knows how to push open the gates to the muse and whos the best red-pencil-wielder in the world

Cody Sontag
For letting me adopt her and giving me the experience of being mothered
Pat Matthews and Sherry Buckner
For such big hearts and openhanded giving,
both as playmates and in embracing the vision of Avonlea

Rabbitt Boyer
For friendship, generosity, and honor

Ann Weston, Karen Selby, Judy Burns, and Cassie Major
Because I wouldnt be here now if you hadnt been there way back when
To the Cove OH and Poker Society
Harry Lynam and Barbara Self
For endless games of Oh Hell, poker, and euchre,
and for showing up when something is tough

Blaine Haigh, Bridgemobile Captain
For rescuing me on a routine basis and
Joan Haigh
An endless source of good reading, manna for an author

Wauneta Fortson (Ace)
For many fun, good evenings at my wonderful table,
but please, quit leading trump, and
Gloria Tarver
Eternal mother, wise, warm, and generous

Avonlea Advisors and Board Members
For creating a haven community for women
who have carried too many tears, and
Avonlea Community Members
For having the courage to try one more thing

Can This Book Really Help?

C arrie left me a message. Im scared. My new office was finished yesterday, so I moved into it today. Its really beautiful, with a view of the ships canal. My new boss likes me a lot. This morning she asked me to join some of the managers at an informal dinner at her home tonight. I accepted and got directions.

I hadnt eaten breakfast and then I worked through lunch. After work, I went into the ladies room and looked at myself and I thought, How could anyone believe in me? Im gross looking. My clothes are all wrong.

So I putzed around, arranging my office, and lost track of the time and left fifteen minutes late. And then I got stuck behind a school bus. So I got to her place thirty minutes late. And then I saw the house she lives in. Its huge. Its elegant. What was I doing there?

And all the cars were there already. Nobody was still arriving. I sat outside for an hour and I couldnt make myself go in. So I finally just left. I went to a restaurant and ate about three meals. Then I came home.

Im not good enough for this kind of job. I was afraid I would do some stupid thing if I went inside and that everyone would hate me. And that shed think she made a big mistake hiring me.

I closed my eyes as I heard this because I could see the series of actions and nonactions that became a cascade of self-sabotage for Carrie. I could tell she wasnt seeing how her failure to show up would come across to her boss. In the state she was in, she couldnt imagine what would be happening inside the househer boss and the managers waiting for her, delaying dinner, wondering and worrying, then waiting for an explanatory phone call. Shed gotten lost in a tunnel in her head and saw everything from inside out.

At first it seemed to me that the triggerthe first event that started her slidewas seeing herself in the ladies room mirror. But her anxiety had been brewing before that. Her fancy new office scared her. Her bosss appreciation scared her. Even her own thoughts scared herwhat if she couldnt measure up? The invitation to be a member of the inner circle may have been the final straw.

So much bounty so soon in her new job led her to fear that she might not rise to others expectations. This fear caused her to see herself as unattractive when she looked in the mirror.

Carrie had already put herself in danger of not thinking clearly by skipping breakfast and lunch. Then she made a series of decisionsor, rather, failed to make decisionsthat could have led to a better outcome. She putzed instead of thinking about how to get ready, didnt set an alarm in order to get out of the office on time, and didnt call a therapy group member to get help with her anxiety and decisions. By not acting in an effective way, she allowed the internal avalanche to build.