John OFarrell - An utterly impartial history of Britain : or 2000 years of upper-class idiots in charge
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An utterly impartial history of Britain : or 2000 years of upper-class idiots in charge: summary, description and annotation
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Abstract: Helps you discover how Englands peculiar class system was established by some snobby French nobles whose posh descendents still have wine cellars and second homes in the Dordogne. This title explores the complex socio-economic reasons why Britains kings were the first in Europe to be brought to heel. Read more...
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About the Book
When a historian says Waterloo, do you automatically think of Abba?
Do you wonder how Neville chamberlain failed to realize that Hitler was a baddie when the Fuhrer was so clearly wearing a Nazi armband?
And why did the Normans fight the Saxons at a place called Battle? Did they just see the road signs and just think thats where they were supposed to go?
From 55 BC to 1945, An Utterly Impartial History of Britain informs, explains, but most of all laughs at the seemingly incomprehensible rollercoaster of events that make up the story of Great Britain. Packed with great characters trapped in impossible dilemmas, this true-life drama will have you on the edge of your seats thinking I wonder which of them dies at the end? (Well, they all do obviously. It was ages ago.)
As entertaining as a witch burning and a lot more laughs.
Mum, Dad, the Second Crusade is starting! Can we put a St Georges flag on the cart?
No dear, we dont want everyone to think Daddy is a builder.
Contents
AN UTTERLY
IMPARTIAL
HISTORY OF BRITAIN
or 2000 Years of Upper Class
Idiots in Charge
John OFarrell
For Freddie
Authors Note
During the writing of this book there were many occasions when I found myself flicking from one source to another, perplexed to discover that different historians gave conflicting dates for the same event. One respected scholar would assert that some ancient war lasted nine years, another might say eleven. It was at this point that I found phrases like around a decade later incredibly useful. If the academics couldnt agree then I felt it was my duty to blur the facts further and make things as vague and murky as possible. When it comes to the audio book, Ill just mumble.
However, may I apologize now for any further errors that slipped through this process of checking and re-checking. My only defence is that these mistakes are fairly minor compared to the decision of the Scottish army to invade England during the Black Death.
Great Moments in British History
(and some mediocre ones to pad it out a bit)
55 BC | Julius Caesar takes his chariots to Britain on specially built cross-channel ferry. Fails to get four nice seats together for the crossing. |
AD 45 | British chieftains agree to pay Roman taxes, but claim large expenses for employing their wives as secretarial assistants. |
Boudicca burns down Colchester, St Albans and London. Roman Governor regrets asking her if its her funny week. | |
Emperor Hadrian commissions defensive wall. Builders repeatedly call him Adrian just to wind him up. | |
Goths overrun Western Roman Empire. Romans forced to wear black and listen to Marilyn Manson. | |
450s | Angles, Saxons and Jutes invade south-east. Londoners invent second homes in Cornwall and Welsh countryside. |
St Augustine invites Saxon heathens to come along to the Alpha Course, just to find out what its all about. | |
Offa declares only a great big dyke will stop the marauding Welsh. Someone suggests Olaf s sister. | |
Reports of the Viking attack on Lindisfarne. General disappointment that it wasnt the hippy folk-rock band. | |
Scandinavians conquer English kingdoms, bringing pillage, terror and flat-pack furniture. | |
1075 | Bayeux Tapestry portrays grisly death of King Harold at Battle of Hastings. Outcry follows over so-called Tapestry Nasties. |
1191 | Richard I joins Third Crusade, convinced that Saladin has Weapons of Mass Destruction. |
1215 | King John accepts Magna Carta. Power of monarchs officially limited to opening sports centres and waving. |
1265 | First Parliament is summoned. Liberal Democrats demand proportional representation. |
1337 | King Edward III promises Hundred Years War will be over by Christmas. |
1349 | The Black Death kills two fifths of the population, but homeopaths stand by their natural remedies. |
1380s | Chaucer writes The Canterbury Tales. No one checks spelling. |
1415 | Henry V massacres thousands at Battle of Agincourt to avenge a particularly rude French waiter. |
1455 | War of the Roses begins after Yorkshireman is asked what part of Lancashire hes from. |
1485 | Tudors win Battle of Bosworth in effort to secure place on Key Stage 2 of the National Curriculum. |
1533 | Henry VIII executes second wife Anne Boleyn following argument over map-reading. |
1570s | Protestants and Catholics agree to disagree. |
1588 | Spanish Armada sinks in storm. Pools Panel award home win to England. |
1590s | A Midsummer Nights Dream is written in order to confuse primary school children whose parents want them to do Shakespeare. |
Nov 5 | Guy Fawkes discovered with 36 barrels of gunpowder, some |
1605 | sparklers and an overcooked jacket potato. |
1649 | Charles I sentenced to be beheaded. Head sewn back on after appeal. |
1650s | Cromwell bans Christmas after forgetting to get wife a present. |
1688 | Glorious Revolution makes Parliament supreme and establishes freedom of speech, political liberty and the right to beat up Catholics. |
1707 | Act of Union unites Scotland and England. Treaty stipulates that Scottish sportsmen will be referred to as British for as long as they are successful. |
1730s | Jethro Tull revolutionizes agriculture by inventing The Quad Biking and Paintballing Stag Weekend Mini-break. |
1763 | Seven Years War ends bang on time. |
1769 | James Watt patents steam engine that will soon power the whole Industrial Revolution. Plants a couple of trees to offset his carbon footprint. |
3rd Sept 1770 | Entire population of England moves from rural bliss to one small tenement building in Manchester. |
1776 | Americans declare independence, following dispute about standards of British dentistry. |
1789 | French Revolution prompts widespread tutting in England. |
1805 | Nelson dies in determined bid to get statue on the empty plinth in Trafalgar Square. |
1815 | Wellington wins Eurovision Song Contest with Waterloo. |
1832 | Great Reform Act Rotten Boroughs replaced with Rotten MPs. |
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