Selzer - The smart alecks guide to American history

L ets get the main question out of the way: why do you need to know this stuff? Teachers may hate us for saying this, but frankly, you kinda dont. Oh, sure, we could throw in some line about those who dont remember the past are doomed to repeat it, but, in reality, youll probably just have to repeat History 101.

Most people know next to nothing about historyand even what they think they know is mostly wrong. Indeed, most people dont know George Washington from a washing machine, but they seem to get along reasonably well in the world anyway.

There are a lot of things out there that you dont really need to know. For instance, unless you live in Vermont and plan to run for state government, we cant think of a single good reason why youd need to know that the capital of Vermont is Montpelier.

Heres the thing, though: just because you wont be able to use this stuff to get a job doesnt mean you shouldnt know it. Knowing history will, quite simply, make you a smarter and more well-rounded person. You might find a section here thats so interesting you want to go learn more about it from more reputable historians. In fact, we hope you do. Knowing the basics of historyand knowing that some of the bits of trivia people like to bring up all the time arent really true at allwill give you one major advantage over people who dont: youll be better than they are.

We also think that you should understand that nobody really knows all that much about history. When your teacher tells you about some battle or another, it may be that the only accurate thing in the story is the date.no one really has a clue what Christopher Columbus looked like (though were betting he was one ugly fellow).

Yes, your teacher is probably wrong about lots of stuff. Being a smart aleck in history class is easy if you know how.

Were the Smart Aleck staff. Were here to help.

They say that history is written by the winners, which makes the Smart Aleck staff winners (even if we are the back-row hooligans of the textbook industry)! Our motto: a smart aleck who coasts may get a passing grade, but one who reads ahead may take over the entire class.

ADAM SELZER is the author of a handful of subversive young adult and middle-grade novels that get banned occasionally. He snuck into being a historian through the back door, initially by becoming a professional ghost investigator and tour guide in Chicago and then by organizing the Smart Aleck staff to sort out this American history business once and for all. He is the boss around the Smart Aleck headquarters and enjoys making other people bring him coffee.

ELI SELZER is a big Billy Joel fan. Dr. Joel once asked, in song form, Should I try to be a straight-A student? Using an obscure algebraic formula, he determined that if you are, then you think too much. Eli was a straight-A student, but he sure didnt think too much. He lives in Los Angeles now, and got a job on the Smart Aleck staff by being the bosss brother.

PROFESSOR WILLIAM ROSEMONT, ESQ., our resident conspiracy theorist (historians have to deal with a lot of these), spent most of his time at headquarters shouting that everything we say about the South in the Civil War chapter is a dirty Yankee lie (so, yes, weve already heard it). He has PhDs in history, Aztec anthropology, engineering, and Lithuanian literature, but we really just keep him around to fix the pinball machines.

BRIAN EDDLEBECK is the guy who wrote all the jokes in this book about things that smell bad. Blame him. All references to nudity that didnt get cut by the good folks in the standards and practices department are his, too.

KENSINGTON ANN CHELSEA is an ex-con (and is still wanted in six states) but showed up (uninvited) at the office one day to teach us a song about how to build an Anderson shelter (see ). Hiring her for the staff got us a wicked tax break, and the shelter came in surprisingly handy.

NOT PICTURED:

Fifty interns not important enough to name!

Actually, were focused on the big picture, so were leaving out as many specific dates as possible. Youll never remember them anyway, and on the off chance that you ever do need to know the exact date of the Battle of Tinkledribble, we figure you can look it up without too much trouble. Youre welcome.