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Jyl Lynn Felman - Cravings: A Sensual Memoir (Bluestreak)

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Cravings: A Sensual Memoir (Bluestreak): summary, description and annotation

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In this profound and darkly funny collection of essays, Jyl Lynn Felman explores the bittersweet experience of growing up the youngest of three girls in a Jewish American family in Dayton, Ohio. In a family unable to speak about feelings, the Felman sisters found their own ways to break through the silence and rigidity of their parents religious beliefs and to vie for their mothers attention and love. As an adult, Felman reckons with her grief over her mothers suffering and eventual death from Parkinsons disease and its destruction of the family. Throughout, she writes of her own cravings in the sensual experience of her childhoodthe taste of her mothers cooking, the feel of her touch, and how these memories have driven her adult life. The loss of a mother is one of the most profound tragedies a daughter will face. Jyl Lynn Felman explores this territory with remarkable bravery. A stunning memoir.Cravings is beautifully written and painfully honest. After turning the final page, I was hungry for more. Hope Edelman, author of Motherless Daughters With her sharp-eyed sensibility and spare, distinctive prose, Felman is always revealing. Adrienne Rich

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title Cravings A Sensual Memoir author Felman Jyl Lynn - photo 1

title:Cravings : A Sensual Memoir
author:Felman, Jyl Lynn.
publisher:Beacon Press
isbn10 | asin:0807070513
print isbn13:9780807070512
ebook isbn13:9780807070321
language:English
subjectFelman, Jyl Lynn,--1954- , Authors, American--20th century--Autobiography, Jewish women--United States--Autobiography.
publication date:1997
lcc:PS3556.E47F3 1997eb
ddc:813/.54
subject:Felman, Jyl Lynn,--1954- , Authors, American--20th century--Autobiography, Jewish women--United States--Autobiography.
Page i
Cravings
Page ii
Also by Jyl Lynn Felman
Hot Chicken Wings
Page iii
Cravings
A Sensual Memoir
Jyl Lynn Felman
Page iv
Beacon Press
25 Beacon Street
Boston, Massachusetts 02108-2892
Beacon Press books
are published under the auspices of
the Unitarian Universalist Association
of Congregations.
1997 by Jyl Lynn Felman
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
03 02 01 00 99 98 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
Text design by Elizabeth Elsas
Composition by Wilsted & Taylor Publishing Services
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Felman, Jyl Lynn, 1954
Cravings: a sensual memoir/ Jyl Lynn Felman.
p. cm.
ISBN 0-8070-7074-2 (cloth)
ISBN 0-8070-7051-3 (paper)
1. Felman, Jyl Lynn, 1954 Biography. 2. Women
authors, American20th centuryBiography. 3. Jewish
womenUnited StatesBiography. I. Title.
PS3556.E47255Z465 1997
813'.54dc21
[B] 97-10489
Page v
FOR MY MOTHER,
EDITH JEANNE (MAYER) FELMAN
19271993
Page vii
Picture 2
When I dare to be powerful
to use my strength in the service of my vision,
then it becomes less and less important
whether I am afraid.
AUDRE LORDE
Page ix
Contents
Inventory
1
Cruising
31
Lunch in Seattle
55
Hyperventilation
79
White Spots
101
Public Exposure
129
Foreign Matter
145
Unnatural Cravings
165
Private Rituals
183
Acknowledgments
193

Page 1
Inventory
Page 3
I
My father, Marvin, in Dayton, Ohio, ships to me, in Northampton, Massachusetts, two huge U-Haul boxes, six orange crushed-velvet chairs, and one hand-painted art deco sea-green-and-ivory European letter-writing desk with a matching green-and-gold-striped chair. They arrive at dusk. It is December and the boxes are freezing next to the woodpile in my garage. Immediately I cover each box with a heavy, navy blue, one-hundred-percent wool American Airlines blanket. But I don't open them. For over an hour, while the sun sets and it gets really cold in my garage, I sit on one of the orange crushed-velvet chairs. For over a year I am unable to open the boxes my father sends me.
Every morning, I go out to the garage and stand directly in front of the boxes, imagining what's packed inside. I stand there drinking my black coffee until I get tired standing. Then I sit down on one of the orange
Page 4
crushed-velvet chairs. It's very soft, sitting on velvet. I imagine my mother sleeping soundly in one of those boxes, tucked in between lots of newsprint so none of her bones break. Her hair is Scotch taped in place. That's how she sleeps, with the tape sticking right on her cheeks, holding her side curls down and imprinting bright red marks on her face all night long while she dreams. The next day, when she brushes her teeth first thing in the morning, not a single hair is out of place. Ever. She has insomnia her entire life.
My mother is a small woman, barely five feet tall. Curled up into a little ball, she easily fits inside one of the boxes. I wonder if my father remembers to tuck her in and pull the newspaper all the way up to her chin. That's how she likes to sleep. Warm and tucked in tight; she has bad circulation. Her hands and feet are cold all the time. I feel my mother resting comfortably right inside with her face turned to the left on her favorite foam rubber pillow. She sleeps soundly for the first time in years. She adores one-hundred-percent silk sheets and pillowcasescream colored. Marvin doesn't like to sleep on silk; it makes him sweat. My mother waits for me to tap lightly on the outside of the box to let her know I'm here in the garage watching over her.
Judy, my oldest sister, doesn't open her two boxes either. Only she doesn't have a garage, so she pays twenty-five dollars a month to put them in storage. But our middle sister, Jan, opens hers. Immediately. In our own way, we are obsessed about the boxes just as our
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