Lundy Bancroft - Daily wisdom for Why does he do that? : encouragement for women involved with angry and controlling men

Living with an angry, controlling, or unfaithful partner is like being wrapped up in a tangle of about a dozen different strands of rope. Each time that you feel like youve finally worked out the knots, you discover that youve actually only pulled off one piece and plenty of rope remains. Naturally, its easy to feel overwhelmed and as though youre never going to be able to get it all straight.

And, sometimes, in the process of untangling certain strands, you find that you are actually creating new knots. Thats how dealing with a badly tangled rope goes; it often gets worse before it gets better. But if you keep at it, you will gradually sort it all out.

The pages ahead will help you to achieve clarity, strength, faith in yourself, and deeper connections to people other than your partner (including your children). If you approach the readings one day at a time, allowing the principles to sink in, you will find yourself in a different and much-improved life by the time you get to the end of this book. Where this growth will take you, and what that will mean for your current relationship, is a mystery that will unfold; theres no need to know the answer now.

A controlling partner causes profound tension and stress. For this reason, I have created a book of short daily readings, each of which you can digest in about ten minutes. This format makes it unnecessary for you to figure out how to carve out a long period of time to sit and read, which can be especially hard to do if you have young kids. If your partners behavior makes it hard for you to focus or concentrate, you will be relieved to find that youll just be working on taking in one concept at a time, allowing it to circulate around inside of you for twenty-four hours or so. You can do this, no matter how great the challenges you face right now.

Use this book in the way that works best for you. Some people will want to read the pieces in order, one per day. The advantage of proceeding this way is that the readings build on each other, progressing from concepts that are easier to take in to ones that can take a little more work to integrate. But you may find that it works better for you to skim around looking for parts that speak directly to the upsetting or confusing dynamics that you are currently struggling with. Or you may even want to let your spirit guide you, choosing pages at random as if you were holding the I Ching (the Chinese book of wisdom), and see if unseen forces lead you to the insights that will most hit the days nail on the head.

I believe that the way to best ensure that you will gain from the readings is to write down your thoughts and feelings as you absorb them. Journal writing has proven to be one of the single most powerful paths to healing and empowerment, especially for people who have been targets of mistreatment. I ask you at various points in the pages ahead to try specific writing exercises, but I hope that you write your thoughts at many other times as well.

The writings in this book address the key question: How valuable are you? This question is aimed at women whose partners, over and over again, make them feel like they arent worth much. Men who mistreat women in this manner employ a range of styles: the man may be distant, cold, and silent; another type will give lots of attention to other women and flirt with them, or outright cheat on his partner; a third type will verbally attack his partner and periodically shove or hit her. Ultimately, there is a common thread: the men in all of these examples are devaluing the women they are with, failing to see their humanity and their worth. You may be involved with a man who behaves in one of the aforementioned ways, and the truth is:

You deserve to be seen and treasured for who you are.

In the great majority of destructive relationships that women experience, the mans behavior is inconsistent. For days, weeks, or perhaps even months at a time, your partner may treat you with kindness and affection, and during these periods he may be sexy and romantic. Each time this happens you hope and feel that he has finally turned a corner and that this time he is finally going to settle into being a loving partner. But the wheel just keeps turning. Nothing you can come up with seems to solve his behavioral problems or convince him that you are worth treating with respect and commitment; after a while, hes back to his hurtful behaviors. Unfortunately, this pattern can draw you into an exhausting loop.

If what I am describing feels familiar to you, this book will speak to your situation, whether or not you think of your partner as angry or controlling. The reality is that when a man devalues his partner, his behavior always ends up having the effect of controlling her, even if control isnt his main goal. You can mentally substitute the word devaluing whenever I write controlling or abusive, and most of what you find in these pages will still make perfect sense.

The readings in this book follow seven themes, one for each day of the week:

CLARITY These readings help you to recognize and understand your partners unhealthy behaviors, and help keep him from confusing you or blaming you for his actions.

SURVIVING TO THRIVE These readings focus on helping you to manage the challenges of day-to-day living in your current circumstances. The philosophy behind these pieces is that you need to stay well today in order to build that great future tomorrow.

HEALING These readings are about approaches to healing your spirit from the wounds you have received as a result of your partners mistreatment of you, and perhaps other wounds from previous life experiences.