Table of Contents
Praise for Why Does He Do That?
Bancroft has opened a window into the thinking of abusive men, and his book helps open a door out of abusive relationships.
Gavin de Becker, New York Times bestselling author of
The Gift of Fear and Fear Less
This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.
Jay G. Silverman, PhD, director, Violence Prevention Programs,
Harvard School of Public Health
This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike... Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancrofts book promises to be a beacon of calm for many storm-tossed families.
Publishers Weekly
Most books about abuse in relationships focus on womenhow theyre hurt, why they stay. As important as these questions are, they can also distract us from the heart of the problem. Bancroft boldly asksand brilliantly answersthe most important questions of all: Why do so many men abuse women? What can be done about it? This book is desperately needed and long overdue.
Jackson Katz, creator of the award-winning video
Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity
Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a fifteen-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change... This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended.
Library Journal
At lastthe straight scoop on men who abuse women. This is a book not just for abused women and domestic violence professionals, but for everyone who wonders why theres so much violence in America. Read it.
Ann Jones, author of When Love Goes Wrong
and Next Time Shell Be Dead
Bancroft helps women who feel trapped in unhealthy relationships make sense out of what is happening.
Sarah Buel, JD, codirector, Domestic Violence Clinic,
and lecturer, University of Texas Law School
A compelling read about a tough topic. What you read here will come back to you long after you put the book down.
Angela Browne, author of When Battered Women Kill
An informative and necessary read.
Susan Weitzman, PhD, author of Not to People Like Us:
Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages
For Rythea, Patrick, and the little one
Lundy Bancroft
For you whose courageous spirit asks the question,
Should I stay or should I go?
And for Heidi Ehrenreich and Jeremiah McGillicuddy,
who helped me reset the stones of my foundation.
JAC Patrissi
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
As always, I owe deep gratitude to my early mentors and teachers on healthy relationships and gender justice, including Bettina Aptheker, David Adams, Carole Sousa, Susan Cayouette, Ted German, and MBM. For their more recent support and friendship in the domestic violence cause I thank Sarah Cortes, Janice Levinson, and SS.
For love, support, and encouragement in recent years I want to especially thank Jay Silverman, Rythea Lee, Patrick Crowley, Amy Waldman, Molly Maguire, Flip Rosenberry, Chris Boulton, Daniel Moss, Kate Bancroft, Eunice Rodrigues, Jennifer Hartley, Carlene Pavlos, Susie Hurlbert, and my children Fabienne and Lhiam.
My thanks always to my agent, Wendy Sherman, who always watches over me, to Denise Silvestro at Berkley Books who has been such a terrific person to work with through three titles now, to Denises friendly and helpful assistant, Meredith Giordan, and to Martin Karlow for copyediting the manuscript.
My deep thanks to JAC Patrissi for her tireless work as we shaped various versions of this book before finally finding one that we could get the publishing world to get behind, and then more than two years hashing out the ideas and bringing them into the form you now hold. JAC is a stalwart, kind, and sharp ally to women and she has many profound offerings left to give to the world in the years ahead.
L.B.
Over the past twenty-two years, I have had the privilege of collaborating with numerous women toward our greater clarity and healing. This work rests on their hard-won wisdom. I would like to honor the experience of particular women whose presence remained with me while writing: Gina R., Ginger T., Melissa V., Deb M., Kim G., Kendra M., Dawn L., Jackie S., Lisa T., and Barbara W.
I would like to express my gratitude to Jeri Martinez, whose brilliant and utterly compassionate treatment of the Stockholm syndrome during that basement volunteer training so many years ago inspired me to deepen my thinking and expand my role working on behalf of abused women and their children.
I would like to thank the members of the support group for healing from destructive relationships in Ware, Massachusetts. These women and their facilitator, Jackie Sweeney, worked with the concepts in this book, providing valuable feedback and suggestions for ways to make the book as useful as possible.
I would like to thank Barbara Whitchurch, Sherry Burnette, Marie Brodie, Deb Morin, Chani Waterhouse, Meg Kuhner, Margaret Mcguire, Michael Perreca, Avery Russell, Will Roberts, Gary Wolf, Frank D. Cernese, and Jason Patrissi for their many astute insights that have strengthened this work.
I am grateful to my coauthor, Lundy Bancroft, both for his numerous gifts, and for the ongoing dialogue over the course of our friendship that brought this work forward.
I am grateful to Denise Silvestro, whose editorial clarity not only made a much better book, but improved the way I facilitate and present these ideas. I thank our agent, Wendy Sherman, for taking me on and finding this work the right home.
J.P.
INTRODUCTION
YOU ARE HOLDING a book that has been written for women who are going through repeated conflicts, frustrations, and dissatisfactions in their relationships, and are beginning to wonder what the root of the problem might be. You may be asking yourself whether your partner and you are just not a good match, and perhaps considering whether all this struggle is worth it. See if any of the following questions strikes a chord for you:
Do you find it hard to figure your partners behavior out, so that you end up confused about what he is actually feeling and thinking?
Do you find yourself wondering whether he really loves you?
Do you repeatedly feel that your partner keeps you at a distance or makes you a low priority? Are you missing the days when he seemed to put a higher value on spending good time with you?
