Winifred M. Reilly - It Takes One to Tango : How I Improved My Marriage - with Absolutely No Help from My Husband* - and How You Can, Too (*Maybe Just a Little)

Thank you for downloading this Simon & Schuster ebook.

Get a FREE ebook when you join our mailing list. Plus, get updates on new releases, deals, recommended reads, and more from Simon & Schuster. Click below to sign up and see terms and conditions.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

Already a subscriber? Provide your email again so we can register this ebook and send you more of what you like to read. You will continue to receive exclusive offers in your inbox.

To my extraordinary teachers

Ellyn Bader

and James W. Maddock,

who inspired me to take bold steps in my life and in my work

and to my husband, Patrick,

who bore the brunt of this boldness with love and, eventually, grace.

New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest; but revived love is the tenderest thing known upon earth.

THOMAS HARDY

The examples and case studies I refer to throughout the book are drawn from my practice. I have changed all the names and identifying details. Some stories are composites. I have, however, made sure to accurately represent the dynamics of these relationships. My own story is true.

Theres a Turkish proverb that says, No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back. I find this notion deeply comforting: that things can change, that people can turn their lives around, that its never too late to try. Even if the clock is about to strike midnight. Even if their cars in a ditch and theyre almost out of gas.

When I sit with a couple in trouble, Im often the only one in the room who has any hope at all for their marriage. Hope is what gives people a reason to keep going. Hope fuels the faith that theres still someplace worth going to. And unfortunately, hope is one of the first things to go when a marriage hits rough terrain.

Im amazed at how long people will suffer in dreadful relationships believing that theres no help to be found. Five, eight, ten years. Sometimes even longer. Some have been deemed incurable by a previous therapist who simply didnt have the skills to effectively guide them. Some believe their spouse is to blame for their difficulties; often that spouse appears to be unwilling to change. Some think theyre too damaged, that theyre not marriage material, or that marriage is, in and of itself impossible to do well. Many fear that the mess theyve made of their marriage is too big to clean up.

Fortunately, I know something that they dont.

I know that even the most troubled marriages can be repairednot just patched up but truly transformed. Not in ten simple steps. Not without focus and determination. And not without challenging much of the conventional wisdom about what it really takes to turn a marriage around.

Most people believe that marriage should be easier than it is. Its one of the great mythsthat marriage is supposed to be blissful, that only troubled people have trouble, that healthy, well-meaning people who love each other wont have to work all that hard. When couples hit the hard challenges that all couples hit, many get discouraged. Most assume that something has gone terribly wrong.

Back in the early, struggle-filled years of my own marriage, I needed a new way of thinking about our difficulties as much as I needed practical skills. Like many couples who are bogged down by conflict, I thought my husband and I were worse off than mostthe two of us ready to fight to the death about anything and everything, both of us fiercely convinced we were right and unable (or unwilling) to admit when we werent. I was critical. He brooded. I was inclined to slam doors. His look of disdain left me feeling three inches tall. Our fights were followed by days of hurt feelings and estrangement that our pathetic attempts at repair were unable to heal.

How did we get here? I often wondered, longing for the days when wed been loving and close. Marriage couldnt possibly be as difficult for others as it was for us. Surely others knew something about being happily married that wed not yet figured out.

This I believed despite dismal divorce rates, quarreling neighbors, and a steady stream of unhappy couples seeking my help, and despite the fact that our friends marriages were dissolving one after the other. I knew I wanted to stay marriedno, not just married but joyfully, wholeheartedly-glad-that-I-married-you marriedbut I wasnt sure how. And in the darkest of times, I feared that our chances were slim, at best.

My husband and I slogged on for years, bickering, sulking, making peaceuntil next time. Nothing I learned in my years of clinical training, in the many workshops I attended and the countless books that I read, or in the dozens of hours we spent in couples therapy explained why we were stuckor, more crucial still, what would unstick us. No one told me the one thing that would have helped me the most: It isnt just you. Marriage is hard.

Marriage puts two people into a small space, with the intention of keeping them there for a lifetime, and then says, Good luck! Marriage doesnt come with a guidebook or a road map to make our journey easier. And none of us steps into marriage with all the tools we need for success. We simply hit the ground running, and despite our good intentions and optimism, for most of us marriage ends up being far more difficult to navigate than wed expected. But that doesnt mean something is wrong; it simply means that marriage is a tough teacher and we all have plenty to learn.

Most couples are surprised (and relieved) when I tell them that struggle in marriage is not only normal, its necessary . The struggles we face are the very things that help us develop the strength and capacity to be successfully married, especially if were willing to learn the lessons they offer us. The way we fight and the things we fight about (or the way that, in some cases, we avoid conflict at all costs) reveal both our strengths and our weaknesses. They show how poorly or well we advocate for ourselves, whether were rigid or flexible, whether we get our way by sulking or bullying, whether we too quickly collapse. They point to our dreams and desires and to the frustrations we face in attaining them. And they dare us to reach and to risk, even in the face of our partners opposition.

Marriages move through predictable stages of development, beginning with the sweet harmony of courtship and moving through the unsettling and often turbulent encounters with differences that follow. Couples either rise to the challenges they face at each stage or find themselves frustrated and stuck, fighting the same fights, hitting the same logjamsnever reaching the later stages of deeper intimacy and connection they hoped marriage would bring.

Sadly, theres where a lot of couples give up.

Sure, some marriages arent sustainable. When theres physical violence or serious drug or alcohol use, when there are repeated betrayals of trust, or when someone gambles or lies compulsively and refuses to get help, it makes good sense to leave. And some people decide that, sustainable or not, the problems in their marriage arent ones they care to surmount.

But a vast majority of struggling couples want to stay married. Too often, though, they divorce because they simply cant find a way to live happily with their spouse. Worse, they settle for a far-from-ideal marriage, concluding that a mediocre marriage is better than none. Some grow bitter and angry, feeling stymied by a partner who is unwilling to change or to grow. Others try everything they can think of to create change, growing more and more discouraged each time they fail. Most lack the tools to move forward effectively. Most believe that forward movement is out of their hands.