Amy Gahran - Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life

Why This Book Matters, Right Now

As I publish this book, after working on it for four years, I acknowledge that there is very major stuff happening in the world today. In light of that, why might it be a good idea, at this particular moment in history, to read a book about unconventional relationships?

Consider this: many of the world's most dire problems are caused, or exacerbated, by the belief that that there is only one correct way to define a problem, and only one correct path to solve it. Such a narrow view of situations and options tends to block people from getting together and working together.

When uncertainty and divisiveness threaten to overwhelm, people often crave personal connection more than ever. Look at how many relationships commenced or deepened in the wake of the Sept. 11 attacks. Love and understanding help sustain us as we navigate the most daunting challenges.

This book offers viable options to find, nurture and accommodate love--- maybe some you've never imagined. You'll hear what 1500 people told me, in their own words, about how they've found creative ways to connect with the people they love.

Of course, this book will not solve all your relationship problems. It also won't halt climate change, cure cancer, resettle refugees, end poverty or ease political turmoil. However, it might help you envision more ways to give, receive and nurture love. It also might help you understand, and appreciate, why other people love differently.

That is my hope for this book. I hope you agree, and enjoy it.

Preface

The Story of the Escalator

What is a relationship?

In the broadest sense, we have relationships with everyone we know or interact with to any significant extent: neighbors, friends and coworkers; teammates, classmates and fellow volunteers; parents, siblings and children. Any of these relationships might feel quite close and important, or not. It all depends.

However, those types of connections usually are not what most people mean when they say they're "in a relationship." Instead, that loaded little phrase typically implies a very specific type of relationship: one that involves the intimacy of affection, sex and romance. One that looks and works a certain way, and that generally is deemed especially important.

The ubiquitous phrase, "in a relationship," tends to evoke a familiar storyline with well-known characters and symbols: a fairy tale with a happy ending, or at least a romantic comedy.

There's a name for the common set of social norms that shape intimate relationships in most Western societies: the Relationship Escalator. I did not coin this term, nor have I been able to track down its precise origins. However, this term has arisen over the last several years, mostly among people who needed to find ways to talk about how intimate relationships, and society, are changing.

In a nutshell, the traditional Relationship Escalator looks like this: two (and only two) people progress from initial attraction and dating, to becoming sexually and romantically involved and exclusive, to adopting a shared identity as a couple, to moving in together and otherwise merging their lives --- all the way up to marriage and kids, 'til death do you part.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this approach. The Relationship Escalator is popular for a reason: it works quite well for many people.

It's just not the only game in town.

There is a broad spectrum of intimate relationships. This book is about the ways that people are stepping off this Escalator to explore unconventional approaches to intimate relationships. If you're curious about what these options are, or whether they might apply to you or to people you know, this book can be your guide. You'll hear what hundreds of people have to say about their unconventional relationships, in their own words.

But first, in order to understand what makes some intimate relationships less conventional, it helps to have a very clear picture of what a very traditional relationship might look like. I've had the opportunity to hear many people describe what they believe makes their own relationships unconventional --- that's the process which formed the basis of this book. This insight clarified several common conventions which shape how intimate relationships work, and how they tend to fit in with the rest of society and life.

The trouble is, talking about abstract social norms easily gets dry and tedious. People and stories are far more interesting. So, as a backdrop to the real stories of unconventional relationships featured throughout this book, here I offer the fictional tale of a highly traditional relationship --- one that rides the Relationship Escalator right from the beginning, and all the way to the top. I will occasionally refer back to this story throughout this book, for contrast.