Kerry Colburn - How to Have Your Second Child First

How to Have Your
Second Child First

100 Things That Are Good to Know... the First Time Around

by Kerry Colburn & Rob Sorensen

For our parents and our daughters

Having a baby changes everything. It opens the door to new emotions, priorities, challenges, successesand utter mysteries. You enter a whole new life, after all, and it will likely feel completely foreign the first few months. After years of having a pretty good handle on how things work in the world, you might suddenly feel a bit lost, overwhelmed, or unsure of yourself as a brand-new parent. You will probably question every aspect of life with your new little personWhat should I buy for my baby? Who should come visit and when is a good time? When can I take a plane trip with my daughter? How long should I let my son cry? How will I know the right thing to do?and then second-guess each decision once you make it. And, unfortunately, youll continually hear a wide range of contradictory advice, including from people whom you didnt even ask. When your stack of books, your mom, and even strangers on the elevator all have varying opinions on any given subject, whos got the right answer?

Relax. Any experienced parent will tell you that the first year is filled with discoveries, and included in those is figuring out what works for you and your baby. Its a constantly evolving, sometimes perplexing, and ultimately rewarding process. Along the way, try not to be so confounded by all the information (Do this! Dont do that! Dont ever do that!) that you cant see straight. Whether you believe it right now or not, you will come to trust yourself and your instincts. You will get to know your baby and yourself as a parent. Daily navigation of all the big and small parenting choices gets you up to speed in a hurry, and, eventually, all new parents must decide for themselves what feels right for their own family. But for now, what can really help is reassuring, empathetic, helpful advice from people who have been there. Twice.

Second-time parentsas savvy and unflappable as they seem when you see them at the park or the grocery storehave all been sitting exactly where you are, not that long ago. They were hovering over their first babies and sweating about everything, and they clearly remember what it was like the (nerve-wracking) first time around. Now, these second-timers do things a little differently. And, by following their lead, so can you.

Case in Point:

FIRST-TIME PARENT: Gotta get home to sterilize this dropped pacifier.

SECOND-TIME PARENT: Whoops, the babys eating dirt again.

FIRST-TIME PARENT:The babys sleeping, everybody be quiet.

SECOND-TIME PARENT: The babys sleeping, lets have our friends over!

FIRST-TIME PARENT:Oh, lets see, Id say it takes both of us about an hour to get our baby off to bed.

SECOND-TIME PARENT: Look, I can give my baby a sponge bath and read my toddler a bedtime story simultaneously!

FIRST-TIME PARENT:The babys crying... wed better leave.

SECOND-TIME PARENT: Crying? What crying?

You see, once a second child comes along, not only are parents more confident from all that invaluable experience, they simply have less time, energy, and patience to spend doting, fussing, and perhaps even obsessing over every little thing. They know babies are resilient, that everything is a stage, and that things generally turn out okay. Add in the fact that theyve given up on any illusions they mightve had about how parenthood is supposed to be, and you get parents who approach every single task differently. You might say they lighten up. They definitely cut some corners. And, out of necessity, they become very, very efficient. Theyve learned that its okay to do all sorts of things that they never wouldve considered the first time around.

Second-timers have no choice but to set aside some of the worry, find tricks to make things easier and faster, and factor in the needs of the whole family (yes, including themselves!) rather than just those of the baby. Theyve stopped sweating the small stuff, from funny noises in the night to traveling with baby to leaving their newborn with a sitter. No more compulsively looking things up in books, neurotically comparing notes with all the other parents, or feeling guilty over little mistakes madeno, second-time parents have learned to relax and enjoy more, stress less, and not hover.

Meanwhile, those wonderful second babies, with much less attention showered upon them, turn out just fineand are often described as more adaptable, relaxed, and independent than their older siblings. Parents often wonder aloud at how good their second babies seem in comparison to how they remember their firstmore patient, calmer, less workbut is it really the second childs disposition, or their own attitude, that has changed? Does number two really sleep better, or is it just that instead of being endlessly rocked and checked on, hes learned to soothe himself because Mom was busy giving the first child a bath?

Lets be honest. It isnt possible to totally embrace the more laid-back, everythings-okay attitude of a second-time parent the first time around. Its one thing to intellectually understand that the world doesnt end with a skipped nap, that a little crying never killed anyone, and that it really is okay to take a shower. But its another thing to really feel it, believe it, and parent that way. Still, it helps to hear it straight from second-time parents that you will get through the seemingly endless ups and downs, that everything really will be fine.

And, as with any job, sometimes acting like youre more experienced than you actually are might make you start to feel more confident. We hope this book helps inspire that confidence. Rather than telling you all the things to worry about with your new baby and all the things not to do, this book is here to remind you of what second-time parents have learned you can do, what you should do. And really, you can do it.

We dont claim to be parenting experts, doctors, or psychologists. We are simply regular parentswell, the kind who had their first at an age north of thirty-five and who perhaps over-thought, over-researched, and over-fussed just a bit with that one. Today, with two kids ages four and two, we spend a lot of time talking to other second-time parents about all the things we do now that we never wouldve thought to do then, from changing a diaper in a restaurant booth to getting away overnight to letting our new baby sleep in a porta-crib in a corner of the home office without a mobile or theme wallpaper in sight. Rather than automatically thinking of all the things that could go wrong or all the things the other books advise against, we now look at life with children with the attitude Well, whats the worst that can happen?

This mental shift can give you all sorts of freedom. You see, sometimes, half the battle is just giving yourself permission to try something with your baby that may or may not work out, whether thats going out to dinner or trying to get a pedicure with her in tow. Second-time parents are much less worried about making a scene or causing their baby any inconvenience. They have relaxed their expectations on every front. They understand that life must go on, and baby is coming along for the ride.