Fried Paula - Bullies, targets & witnesses: helping children break the pain chain

BULLIES,
TARGETS &
WITNESSES:

HELPING CHILDREN BREAK THE PAIN CHAIN

HELPING CHILDREN BREAK THE PAIN CHAIN

SuEllen Fried, ADTR, and Paula Fried, Ph.D.

Copyright 2003 by SuEllen Fried and Paula Fried

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher.

M. Evans and Company, Inc.
216 East 49th Street
New York, New York 10017

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Fried, SuEllen.

Bullies, targets & witnesses : helping children break the pain chain / by SuEllen Fried and Paula Fried

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 1-59077-007-2 ISBN 978-1-5907-7056-6

1. Bullying in schoolsUnited States. 2. School violenceUnited StatesPrevention. I. Title: Bullies, targets and witnesses. II. Fried, Paula. III. Title.
LB3013.32.F75 2003
371.5'8dc21

2002192806

Book design and typesetting by Evan H. Johnston

Printed in the United States of America

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

This book is dedicated to all of the students, educators, counselors, administrators, school staff members, parents, and community activists who have generously shared their experiences and their concerns and given such an authentic voice to our words.

There is no way that I could have completed this book without with unflinching support of my husband, Harvey. His technological expertise, his willingness to set aside our normal life in service of our deadline, his deep belief in the work I do are gifts I cherish. He has truly been my tether pole, firmly cemented in the ground, while I, the tether ball, have been spinning around from state to state, city to city, school to school, knowing that his constancy would anchor my journey.

Paula, my co-author, continues to gently bring reason to my passion and raises the standard of our collaboration. My confidence in her judgment is unbounded, and I treasure our relationship, which links both our personal and professional roles. Whenever a complex issue surfaced, her insights guided our decision. She is more than a daughter and coauthor, she is a role model.

This book has been a family project. Our oldest son, Jeff, a medical center CEO, sponsored me to work in his community and observed some very poignant student sessions. His wife, Roz, a PTA president, critiqued the chapter on stategies for parents. Our younger son, Marc, an attorney, collected some important legal information for me, as well as conduct codes in youth sports. His wife, Camille, who is a fifth grade teacher, contributed very special content to several chapters. My seven grandchildrenElise Stuewe, Samantha Fried, Allison Stuewe, Joe Fried, Sam Stuewe, Jim Fried, and Anne Friedshared personal stories with me and read hundreds of letters from children to select the ones included in the book.

Karen OBrien, Ph.D., with little time for herself as a university professor, wife, mother, and author, offered to review our book and spent countless hours making timely and pertinent notations. I am awed by her amazing grasp of our material and her cogent observations. She expanded my perception immeasurably and made an extraordinary contribution for which I am forever grateful.

Molly Levitt promised to read our material with a critical eye and brought fresh insights as a mother and classroom facilitator with every chapter she critiqued.

Irv Sloan, a legendary teacher at Scarsdale Middle School in Scarsdale, New York, and a personal friend, has played a key role in the evolution of my work.

Betty Barker Bashaw, M.D., a psychiatrist and treasured friend, taught classes using our first book as a resource and brought us wonderful feedback. Monica Meeks showered me with encouragement and support. Marilyn Cohen, Sue Farrar, Mary Fischer, Trish Hardin, Carole Lander, Lynn Lang, Vicki Price, Kathleen Saucier, and Mara Weyforth, who have trained with me and empower children and teachers with BullySafeUSA strategies, shared their valuable experience and consultation.

Lyn Bair, Caroline Boyd, Connie Campbell, Elaine Collins, Dory DeAngelo, Lori Fuller, Kimberly Resnick, Zack Kaplan, Jill Schantz, Gail Theiman, Nick Sapin, and Nancy Skager supplied unique information for me.

Finessa Ferrell-Smith, with the National Council on State Legislatures, and Rodney Hammond, with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, made important data accessible. Darryl Bruno, with St. Tammany Parish in Covington, Louisiana, is a quintessential nurturer of mind, body, and soul, and I am a thankful recipient.

My aunts, Elaine Sapin and Carline Lewis, provided me with newspaper clipping services that brought countless items to my attention.

Bob Goodmans computer expertise saved me untold hours. His patience with me exceeded all definitions of friendship. Friends like Rita Blitt, Carol Hillman, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, Elaine Sight, Margie Greenberg, Donna Goodman, Sally Duncan, Joan Berkley, Trudy Oliver, and a cherished group of women friends of twenty-three years known as the Watering Hole were always there when I needed them, even though I was frequently not available to them.

I would like to express special thanks to inmate members of the STOP Violence groups at Lansing Correctional Facility East, Osawatomie Correctional Facility, Hutchinson Correctional Facility, and the Winfield Correctional Facility in Kansas for their participation in discussions with me and the work they do with students in their communities on bullying prevention.

The BullySafeUSA Training Institutes that I have conducted have introduced me to outstanding school counselors and educators all across the country who have shared their favorite resources, their dimensional experiences, and their sensitive concerns for children. I am grateful to Bob Rice and Rita Shapiro for the unique roles they played in launching my training program.

I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Beth Hupe, a counselor at Perry Middle School in Perry, Kansas; to Carol Robinson, a counselor at Blue Valley Middle School in Stillwell, Kansas; to Linda Kennedy and Rebecca Loan at New Hampton Middle School in New Hampton, Iowa; and to all of their students whose letters are included in this book. I wish I had space to publish every letter that I received during these past seven years.

The American Medical Association and the American Medical Association Alliance have adopted a bullying prevention agenda and contributed considerable resources to address this issue. Their commitment has raised significant awareness to their constituencies and has taken peer abuse beyond the educational scope and into the health arena. Jim Lyznicki with the AMA was a willing adviser.

Many of my workshops and Training Institutes have been at the invitation of chapters of the American Medical Association Alliance. The women who are members of the Alliance bring magnificent leadership to their county, state, and national organizations. I have the deepest admiration for their energy, their dedication, and their attention to detail, which makes their programs such a success. Paula is a member of the Alliance in her community. Mary Kay McPhee, a past president of the AMA Alliance and a dear friend, introduced us to the Alliance national network, a connection beyond measure. Another organization that is an esteemed partner is the Young Lawyers Division of the American Bar Association, thanks to their president, Alan Olson.

I am please to be working with Betsy Fifield and Laura Dixon with the Aspen Center for Integrated Health, Aspen, Colorado.