Helder - Cut the noise better results, less guilt

First published in 2018 by John Wiley & Sons Australia, Ltd
42 McDougall St, Milton Qld 4064
Offce also in Melbourne

Typeset in 11/15 Sabon LT Std

John Wiley & Sons Australia, Ltd 2018

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Disclaimer
The material in this publication is of the nature of general comment only, and does not represent professional advice. It is not intended to provide specific guidance for particular circumstances and it should not be relied on as the basis for any decision to take action or not take action on any matter which it covers. Readers should obtain professional advice where appropriate, before making any such decision. To the maximum extent permitted by law, the author and publisher disclaim all responsibility and liability to any person, arising directly or indirectly from any person taking or not taking action based on the information in this publication.

Chris Helder is a communication expert and master storyteller whose presentations have radically transformed how thousands of people worldwide communicate with clients, customers, colleagues, family, staff and teams. He has been a professional speaker for 16 years and has given some 2200 presentations around the world.

He is the author of two Wiley bestselling books: The Ultimate Book of Influence (2013), which has been published in five languages, and Useful Belief (2015), which is one of the highest selling Australian business books of all time.

Chris speaks at conferences in the areas of communication, influence, human potential, leadership and mastering the face-to-face customer experience.

Chris lives in Melbourne with his wife, Lucy, and their three boys, Jake, Billy and PJ.

There are so many people to thank that I could not possibly name everyone. It always amazes me that so many of the ideas I speak about come out of random conversations. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to talk with me about your ideas and passion to make the world a better place.

Special thanks to Lucy Raymond at Wiley for your continued support as we publish our third book together.

Thanks to Duane Kelderman for discussing with me the idea of core beliefs. I look forward to continuing to work on and expand these ideas together. You worked with my father, and getting an email from you is so much like getting one from him. I miss him and I cherish your words.

Thanks to Penny Ryan, my assistant, for all your collaboration, sharing of ideas and passion for the business.

Thanks to my mother, Carol Dey, for the inspiration of your Operation Babylift story. Also, thank you for your inspiration every day of my life.

Of course, the biggest thank you of all to my beautiful family. You put up with my hectic schedule and make it work. I love all of you more than I can possibly put into words.

There is so much mental noise in our world today. Never before have we had so many options things to look up, think about, worry about and, most of all, feel guilty about. Its really hard to be perfect.

Everyone else seems to be perfect, though. Everyone we know is smiling, laughing and partying, with a drink in their hand, or on holiday in some tropical paradise, parading the best version of their world for everyone to admire. Its all so exciting but of course nothing is really as perfect as it seems.

We glimpse other peoples lives through our phones and tablets. For the most part, we are genuinely happy for them. We want them to find love, to relish a family reunion, to celebrate a milestone with a great meal at a top restaurant. We are happy to share those moments with our friends. At the same time, we also like to be recognised for our own exciting life. It feels good when people like us. It feels good to be validated.

The problem is our life is not going to be perfect. In fact, there is often a big gap between reality and our projection of reality, and it is easy to feel a sense of guilt about not being able to bridge that gap.

In this media age, as people feel compelled to push out the best version of their lives to their friends and followers, this version can be a lot to live up to. We live in a world that is constantly barraging us with both information and the pressure of expectation in every area of our life, whether financial, business, relationship, parenting, family, friends or health.

Over the past 16 years I have presented to more than two thousand audiences on five continents. I have met countless people who are trying so hard to push through all the mental noise in their lives, to be the perfect parent, partner, husband, wife, employee or employer while at the same time staying perfectly fit and never ageing.

Much of this internal noise revolves around peoples feelings of guilt because they are unable to live up to these expectations. They are working late and feeling guilty for not being home with their family. Or they are managing a household and not finding time to keep fit and healthy. They try to juggle their time between work, home and fitness, but in the back of their minds they know their relationship is suffering because they are so constantly busy.

My goal in writing this book is to share with you some ideas that shed light on how our desire to be perfect often actually prevents us from having an outstanding life. I believe we need to focus on maximising every situation we are in.

Recently I was talking with a very good friend who shared with me his own story of guilt. Its a game he has no possibility of winning. He likes to go to the gym at lunchtime. Every day at 11:30 he thinks about going to the gym. Some days he decides he is too busy to go, then he spends his lunch hour feeling guilty about his decision. On other days he decides he will go to the gym, but while working out he is constantly checking his phone. He feels he cant focus on the workout, so once again he feels guilty about his decision.

I want to change this pattern that so many of us experience in one way or another. We have to stop beating ourselves up.

But how?

In this book I introduce an idea called 10 seconds of guilt move on. I hope you like it and can use it to help you enjoy your life more. Its about acknowledging a feeling that is not useful and then quickly moving past this feeling. There are studies that suggest that more than 90 per cent of the things we worry over and feel bad about either will never happen or are things we cannot change.

This idea has really resonated with my Australian audiences. So many people, both men and women, have come up to me and shared their feelings of guilt around their aspiration to be perfect. Women have told me of their need to be a corporate powerhouse, domestic goddess, great mother, wonderful wife, perfect friend and still find time to do yoga, work out at the gym and call their mother-in-law. Its impossible!