Gael Lindenfield - Skip the Guilt Trap: Simple steps to help you move on with your life

To Stuart, my husband, who has been the most wonderfully supportive partner to have beside me when I needed to pull myself out of a guilt trap, or just to have a good laugh with about the fact that I had slipped back in there again!

Contents

Guilt is not a bad feeling any more than love is a good feeling.

If we do bad things in response to either feeling, we are likely to be in trouble.

If we do good things in response to either feeling, we are likely to be rewarded.

If we do nothing in response to either feeling, we are likely to become trapped by emotion and depowered.

To some people these statements may seem obvious, but it took me many adult years to be able to say them sincerely. From early childhood I was terrified of guilt. It wasnt so much the fear of hell fires that caused my terror; it was the fear that I would never become a saint. That had been my burning ambition from as far back as I could remember.

So as a child I seriously strived to be so pure that I would never feel guilt. But however many good conduct badges I earned, I still did. At that time, I belonged to a religion that required me to confess all my sins before receiving Holy Communion. Not only was it expected of me to receive this sacrament, I wanted to do so. I knew it gave you grace and that was what I needed in abundance to become a saint. When the time for confession approached, I would panic. I felt guilty about not having any guilt to confess! My solution was to invent some sins just so I had something to say to the priest. One of those was, of course, lying. I hoped that God would understand.

When in my late teens I stopped believing in God, my guilt problem didnt disappear. I started to do things that should have made me feel guilty but didnt. So then I was back once again to feeling guilty about not feeling guilty!

Unsurprisingly for a wannabe saint, I drifted into the helping professions. There, I found that I was certainly not alone with my problem. In fact, I was spending a good deal of my working days trying to persuade others not to feel so guilty.

Eventually, I decided that I needed to get a firmer grip on the issue of guilt. I could see that it was causing innumerable kinds of relationship and mental-health problems. I started researching and experimenting with strategies for dealing with this feeling. When I reached a point where I felt confident enough to write a book on the subject, I took the idea to my publisher. A contract for Triumph Over Guilt was signed. That book was never written because my younger daughter was killed in a car accident. Guilt once again became a major personal issue for me.

Over twenty years later I have now written this book. I believe it takes a more kindly approach to the subject than my first synopsis did. I now appreciate more fully the positive aspects of guilt. In contrast, over this period guilt has been categorised by psychologists as a negative emotional state. It appears that many other mental-health professionals are also concerned about the increasing negative impact this feeling is having on peoples mental health. But my aim in writing this book is still the same as it ever was. Above all, I wanted to write an easy-to-read, USEFUL book that could be used as a self-help programme by someone on their own or with a small group of friends.

Is this a book for me?

Yes, if you are someone struggling with guilt issues in everyday life situations such as:

losing your concentration because you still feel guilty about the mistake you made last time you tried that same task;

when faced with a difficult decision, you think, Well, I know Ill be damned if I do and damned if I dont;

obsessively looking over your shoulder to see what others are doing and wondering if you are doing it right;

when a relationship ends you cant stop thinking of what you wished you had done that might have made it work;

when someone has died and you find it hard to move on because you feel guilty about enjoying life when they are not around;

being a parent who says and does things that you regret and who keeps on thinking that you might have damaged your child or their chances forever;

feeling so guilty about being happier or richer or more successful than others around that you cannot enjoy what you have;

feeling constantly bad about not being able to look after someone in the way you think you should;

dwelling on things you wish you could have done differently in your childhood;

feeling bad about something you did in the past but have not owned up to;

feeling partly responsible for something that went wrong when others were accused and punished and you were not;

having cheated and now regretting your actions;

being a survivor of a disaster or serious illness when others were not so lucky;

if you feel guilty about hurting others by your own life choices;

if you feel guilty about not feeling guilt!

Yes, if you would like to become clearer about when you should feel guilty and when you should not.

Yes, if you would like to just check that you are dealing with guilt in a confident and assertive manner.

Yes, if you want to help anyone else handle their guilt more effectively.

And also,

Maybe yes, if you have been treated for a mental illness in which guilt has played a part and are now on the road to recovery. This book should help to handle any future guilt in a constructive and self-affirming way.

Maybe yes, if you have committed a crime and been punished but still feel guilty. But it would be advisable to work through this book with the support of someone who is a professionally trained psychotherapist or counsellor.

How to use this book

I suggest that you first read this book through quite quickly. You need not bother with the exercises or to practise the strategies now, but do mark up the parts of the book that you think could be useful for you. It would also be good to note down any examples of situations in your life that you have found difficult as they come into your mind when you are reading.

On your second reading, do the exercises and try out the strategies as you go, taking special care with the ones that you have marked. Again, make notes as you go along. After this reading, it could be very helpful to discuss the book with one or more of your friends. This might help to jog your memory and feel less alone with your problem.

Finally, make a prioritised list of issues that you want to resolve or work on. Then return to , Guilt into Goals, and do an action plan. Dont forget to try to find a supportive person to help keep you on track.

Over the next few months, keep the book in a handy place where you can consult it whenever you need to. Having it lying around at home may encourage others to dip in and start wondering if this is something that may help them as well.

I do hope that you will find the book interesting and stimulating to read. I also, of course, hope that it will help you to move on with your life more happily and confidently.

Psychologists call guilt a self-conscious emotion. Other emotions in the same category are pride, embarrassment and shame. All these emotions differ from our basic emotions such as fear, disgust and joy, which are more instinctive and universally felt during the first year of our lives. Self-conscious emotions develop later when we begin to get a sense of ourselves as separate from others. This usually occurs towards the end of the second year and through the third year of our lives.