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Daniel Wendler - Improve Your Social Skills

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Contents
Manifesto

I

I believe that you deserve a place to belong.

I believe that you deserve relationships where you can be your whole self, your real self, the self that doesnt have it all figured out, the self that makes mistakes, the self that hates itself sometimes. I believe that you deserve people who will see your whole self and accept you wholeheartedly.

I believe that within you is the spark of the divine, that your screw ups and your baggage do not have the power to define you, that no matter what you think of yourself and no matter the names that others have called you, you are overflowing with beauty and passion and potential.

I believe that it is good that you are alive, and that your life is a gift to the people who love you and to the people who have not met you yet but who will love you one day.

II

I believe that you will find people who will help you believe these things, too.

I believe that you will find people who will know and love all of you, who will know your scars and help in your healing, who will count their relationship with you as one of their most treasured gifts.

I believe that you will find people who will see tremendous beauty in you.

I believe they will help you see it too.

III

I believe that you will see tremendous beauty in others, and help them see it too.

I believe that you will speak the words that will encourage someone not to give up, give the smile that will break through someones dark mood, be the shoulder for someone who desperately needs a safe place to cry.

I believe you will love people so much it hurts, and you will help the people you love discover the best of who they are.

I believe that you will seek the lonely and outcast and be a true friend to them.

IV

I believe that everyone is worth fighting for (including you.) I believe we were made to love ourselves and each other and like warriors we must fight against everything that holds us back from that love.

I wrote Improve Your Social Skills because relationships dont happen automatically. Apathy, fear, awkwardness all conspire to thwart connection. You have to be prepared to fight for your relationships.

So we prepare.

We study. We practice. We train.

Like a swordsman who has mastered his footwork, we learn to move smoothly in conversation. Like a general reads the terrain, we learn to read social cues and nonverbal signals. Like a grizzled veteran, we have made peace with our fear and we dont let it hold us back from action.

No matter where we start, we can get better. Whether social butterfly or socially awkward, we study, we practice, we train.

Day by day, moment by moment, we learn how to build friendships and how to be a good friend to others. We know our new skills will help us but more than that, we know that our skills will help us protect others.

When we reach out with love, we protect others from rejection, from shame, from hopelessness. The impact you make can be as small as a smile and as large as a suicide averted.

In loves army, you will be a mighty warrior.

V

I want to live in a world where nobody feels like a reject.

I want to live in a world where nobody stands alone.

I want to live in a world where love and acceptance matter more than success and power.

We dont live in that world, for the most part. But we can help create it.

You can help create it.

Start today.


Introduction

Improve Your Social Skills is a comprehensive, practical guide to social skills. It explains the core principles of social interaction in clear, easy to follow lessons.

I wrote Improve Your Social Skills to be the guide I desperately needed during my own social struggles. Growing up, I was the most socially awkward kid you would ever hope to meet. But when I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome in high school, I realized that my social problems were caused by a lack of social skills, not by some inherent flaw in my character.

After my diagnosis, I studied social skills for more than a decade. On January 1st, 2012, I launched ImproveYourSocialSkills.com to share what I'd learned with the world. Hundreds of thousands of people visit the site every year, and today I'm proud to help an even wider audience through the Improve Your Social Skills book.

The guide you're about to read is a compilation of the social principles I've learned during my lifetime of personal social skills study, as well as the techniques I developed while offering hundreds of hours of social skills coaching. It offers detailed blueprints for basic skills like conversation and body language in depth, and provides clear explanations for complex topics like empathy, making friends, and dating.

I wrote Improve Your Social Skills to share the principles that have changed my life. These principles led me to a life full of close friendship, satisfying connection, and tender romance. I wrote Improve Your Social Skills because I want everyone to have that kind of life.

I believe you deserve a place to belong. I believe that you can live a life full to the brim with friendship, connection, and love. I wrote Improve Your Social Skills to help you believe it, too.

Chapter 1: Foundations

When I was in college, I signed up for an internship with Students International, an organization that works among the poor in the Dominican Republic. I was assigned to the construction outreach where Rudy, the Dominican construction leader, taught me a great deal about both construction and life.

One day, after wed spent hours painstakingly laying a foundation for a house and making sure everything was perfect, he turned to me and said,

We always spend more time on the foundation because the foundation is everything. If the foundation is solid, the house will be strong. If the foundation is crooked, the house will be flawed. Its the same thing with your lifeif the foundation of your life is in solid things, you will be strong. If you set your foundation in crooked things, you will crumble.

(He talked like that ALL the TIME. It was like building houses with Yoda.)

I think Rudy was on to something.

If you take the time to lay your foundation right, then you will be successful in whatever youre building whether a house, a life, or a set of social skills.

Thats what this Foundations section is about. I wrote it to help you think through the way social skills affect your own life. This guide is a very powerful tool, but before you pick up any tool, you need to know what youre trying to build. I know you are probably eager to get started on the meat of the guide, but trust me (or, if you prefer, trust Rudy.)

The foundation must come first.

Foundations contains four lessons:

  • How to Use the Guide

Here are some guidelines to help you get the most out of the guide

  • Setting Goals For Your Social Skills Journey

Why are you trying to learn social skills? What are your goals? What has your history with social skills been? Where are you, and where are you going?

  • Overcoming Fear And Social Anxiety

Social interaction can be scary, and its easy for fear to hold us back. But it is possible to overcome your fear, and in this section I show you how.

  • Manipulation vs. True Intimacy

Some other social skills gurus recommend using social skills to manipulate others into doing what you want. But truly fulfilling relationships are built on trust and respect, not manipulation and deceit.

How to Use the Guide

You may use the guide however you see fit. Read the entire thing in one sitting. Skip around to the sections that interest you most. Read it out loud to your cat. The world is truly your oyster.

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