Felder - Fitting in is overrated: the survival guide for anyone who has ever felt like an outsider

Fitting in is

OVERRATED

The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider

Leonard Felder, PhD

STERLING and the distinctive Sterling logo are registered trademarks of Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Felder, Leonard.

Fitting in is overrated : the survival guide for anyone who has ever felt like an outsider/ Leonard Felder.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN 978-1-4027-4884-4

1. Individuality. 2. SuccessPsychological aspects. I. Title.

BF697.F445 2008

158.2dc22

2008013025

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Jacket design: Jason R. Gabbert/The Designworks Group

Published by Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.
387 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016
2008 by Leonard Felder
All rights reserved

ISBN 978-1-4549-0240-9

For information about custom editions, special sales, premium and corporate purchases, please contact Sterling Special Sales Department at 800-805-5489 or specialsales@sterlingpublishing.com.

To my son, Steven Alon Schorin Felder,
who amazes me each day with his
creativity, courage, and persistence

Acknowledgments

Many people contributed enormously to this book arriving in your hands. Some of these were generous writing teachers and creative partners many years ago: Professors James Michael, Rowland Shepard, and Sean Austin at Kenyon College, as well as Adelaide Bry and Harold Bloomfield in San Diego, who gave me my first writing opportunities.

More recently, I was inspired and guided by several spiritual teachers and beloved friends who offered me honest critiques and caring wisdom, especially Rabbi Miriam Hamrell, Rabbi Ted Falcon, Rabbi Marc Sirinsky, Catherine Coulson, Nancy Pikelny, Lucky Altman, Janet Sternfeld Davis, Teri Bernstein, Peter Reiss, Sandra Kaler, Erica Ruff, Beth Rosenberg, and Harriet Shapiro.

I am fortunate to be part of a loving extended family that includes the Rothenberg Cousins Club in Detroit; my parents, Martin and Ena Felder, in Florida; my siblings, Janice, Andi, Ruthe, and Ron; my brother-in-law, Craig; and my wifes very supportive family, especially Bill Schorin, Jeff Schorin, the Wilstein family, and many cousins across the United States.

Every day I am grateful to live with my very creative and loving wife and best friend, Linda Schorin, and our beloved son, Steven, to whom this book is dedicated.

I also want to thank the women and men who fought for this book and helped it by suggesting important changes and edits. My agent, Stephanie Tade, remained positive, patient, and insightful even when others were getting cold feet. The supportive professionals at Sterling Publishing, including Philip Turner, Dave Nelson, Leigh Ann Ambrosi, Anne Barthel, Hannah Reich, and many others, added their good ideas and strong support for this project.

Most of all, I want to thank the mysterious One, the indefinable Creative Source whose love and guidance has helped me in everything I have written. I hope this book will bring nourishment and support for many other souls who have known the frustration of not fitting in and who also have gifts to offer.

Contents

Chapter One
When Do You Feel Like an Outsider?

Chapter Two
Why Its So Uncomfortable to Stand Apart

Chapter Three
The Benefits of Being Positively Different

Chapter Four
The Biggest Mistakes Most Outsiders Make

Chapter Five
Breaking Through at Work

Chapter Six
Coping with Cliques and Closed-Minded Groups

Chapter Seven
Finding Peace with Your Family

Chapter Eight
When People Arent Ready Yet for Your Ideas

Chapter Nine
How to Be an Effective Mentor, Ally, or Source of Strength for Other Outsiders

Chapter Ten
Making Your Circle the One People Want to Be In

Chapter One
When Do You Feel Like an Outsider?

Sometimes in the middle of a counseling session, I stop and sit in amazement at the courage, persistence, and creativity of the person sitting in front of me. For many years Ive had the privilege of helping a wide variety of remarkable men and women struggle with a dilemma that draws on their deepest resources. Its a dilemma most of us face at some point in our livesone you may be facing right now. How do you balance the desire to be accepted by the people around you with the desire to follow whats in your heart and soul?

This is the dilemma you face when youre forced to choose between the side of you that wants to play it safe and fit in, and the side of you that is willing to risk being more honest and discovering a more genuine life. Its never an easy choice. If you lean too heavily in the direction of fitting in, your days can become boring, constrained, or depressing. Yet if you lean too far toward being severely honest, you may risk being cut off from certain people and groups you arent ready yet to live without.

This dilemma is likely to show up in several areas of your life. For example:

Most people have a deep longing to fit in and be accepted by their families. But lets be honest about it. Is there someone among your close relatives who is too often opinionated, condescending, or disrespectful toward you or your mate? Is there a parent, sibling, in-law, grown child, or other family member you have tried to please who continues to give you either cold silence or unsolicited advice and criticism? Is there a debate going on in your own mind about whether to say something to this person or keep silent and pretend everything is fine? Possibly you can get through weeks or months without bumping into the painful fact that you are often excluded, criticized, or treated coldly by an important member of your own family. But then a holiday, a wedding, a funeral, a birthday, or an unpleasant phone call puts the issue right back in your face. You find yourself wondering, Why do I feel so isolated and estranged around some of my own relatives? Will it ever get resolved?

Most people have a deep desire to fit in and be accepted in their work lives. Maybe you fit in pretty well on a day-to-day basis. But then a couple of times each year theres a holiday event or a social gathering where you start to realize you dont feel as connected and included as youd hoped to be. Maybe a new clique is forming, or the inner circle is shifting, and youre not a part of it. Or possibly a sneaky person is spreading rumors and stirring up tensions as though youre all back in junior high school. Or it might simply be that lately some of your good ideas and suggestions have gotten vetoed by a few narrow-minded insiders who dont like the idea of change. As a result, youre still going through the motions at your job but you dont feel the sense of inclusion or connection youd like to feel. Is it time to do something to improve your situation, or is it something you feel you must endure without rocking the boat?

Most people seek a sense of connection with various informal groups of friends and in volunteer activities. Maybe youve looked for community and friendship at a church or temple, in a nonprofit involvement, or with a particular group of other parents at your childs school. Or maybe youve tried a class, a hobby, an informal gathering in your neighborhood, or a membership in some club or association that you thought might bring a sense of connection. But unfortunately, you sometimes find that the entrenched inner circles in these groups are quite rigid in their way of doing things. Youve tried to make suggestions and open things up a bit, but in most cases your ideas get shot down by some inflexible insider who feels threatened because youre invading his or her turf. Who are these rigid folks and how did they become the inner circle? Can you find a way to have greater clout and impact in your personal involvements, or do you simply have to let the stubborn insiders call the shots?