Ferm Shayna - Parentally incorrect: true tales by real moms about the f**ked-up things their kids have done

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available through the Library of Congress

2018 Shayna Ferm and Tracey Tee

ISBN-13: 978-07573-2-0484 (Paperback)

ISBN-10: 07573-2048-1 (Paperback)

ISBN-13: 978-07573-2-0569 (ePub)

ISBN-10: 07573-2056-2 (ePub)

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photo- copying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.

3201 S.W. 15th Street

Deerfield Beach, FL 334428190

Photo editing by Jack Strader
Cake decorating by Kate Burgess
Author photo by Paul Joyner

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO
OUR MTHRFKRS, CHRISTOPHER AND JONNY,
WHO GOT US INTO THIS MESS.

As you turn the pages of Parentally Incorrect, a few things will likely happen: you will become horrified (sorry), or you will think to yourself, YES! My kid isnt the only one who has done that, and/or possibly, That poor mom. The truth is, kids are hard. Raising them is harder. We collected these stories to help you laugh about it.

We created The Pump and Dump Show in 2012 while drowning in new motherhood. It started small, in a local bar, and we really just wanted to give moms an excuse to get out of the house, have an adult beverage or two, and help push a bit of the dark cloud of parental anxiety off our collective, engorged chests. We wanted to be able to laugh together about all the ridiculous and messed up parts of motherhood. We wanted to rememberfor just a few Chardonnay-filled minuteswho we were before we had kids. We wanted to not feel so overwhelmed and isolated. We needed it, and as our crowds grew and we took our show to bigger venues in different cities across the country, we quickly learned that a whole lot of other moms needed it, too.

At every single show since its conception (ha), we pass out index cards and ask moms to write down The Most F**cked-Up Thing My Kid Has Done. We collect all the stories (totally anonymously) and read a bunch of them out loud during the performance. Its one of our favorite parts of the show because, inevitably, there are unbelievable stories that make us laugh so hard we cry. Some moms stand up screaming that it was their story. Some hide in their comedy club nachos. There is a lot of cheering. Five years and hundreds of shows later, we have collected thousands of mind-blowing, hysterical, but very true stories from mothers coast-to-coast, many of which are included in this book.

Wed like to be clear about one thing: we love being moms. We love the loud, challenging, sticky, tear-filled, snot-covered, poop-smeared journey, and we wouldnt change itor our kidsfor anything in the world. But you guysthis shit is hard! The Pump and Dump Show is a place to commiserate and experience guilt-free recognition of that fact. Theres something pretty magical that happens when you finally realize that its not just you who wants to hide away in a hotel room by yourself for two days, or that its not just your kids who act like assholes.

Our hope is that you can laugh with the moms who dared to share these stories in their own words, in their own handwriting. These moms are your friends, family, and neighbors. They sit next to you at church. They give your kid oranges at soccer practice. You pass them in Target. You cut them off in car line. These moms work, stay at home, work from home, adopt, foster, co-parent, co-sleep, babywear, formula feed, eat placentas, eat drive-thru, hire doulas, have never even tried a cloth diaper, and otherwise make up the entire colorful spectrum of BREEDERs. These moms are you and, most importantly, they are your Band of Mothers.

Weve sprinkled throughout a few other fun sentiments from The Pump and Dump Show to help you lighten your load, including: Sad Cakebummer moments that make moms want to throw in their burp cloths; a Stump the Breeder quiz to test your parental aptitude; and our infamous Awesome MOMents drinking game to play at home with your mom friends.

Keep this book for when youre crying alone in your closet. Give it to a new mom to scare the shit out of her. Loan it to a friend who just barely survived her first sleepless year of motherhood. This book is meant to bring you some validation and remind you that we are all in this togetherpuke hugs and all.

You are an awesome mom. Youve got this.

Love,
Shayna and Tracey

P.S. Out of all the cards we read, the most common stories we found were as follows:

Bye Felicia
Poop Picassos
Chain-reaction vomiting
Chick-fil-A playground peeing
Fingers in dog butts

Our condolences to all involved.

PUMP AND DUMP

Conversation filled with brutal honesty about parenting, often while drinking. The metaphorical act of getting it off your chest. Not be confused with the dumping of your precious breast milk drenched in booze.

BREEDER

Any woman raising a child. This child may be born from a vagina, surgically, via surrogate, via IVF, by mistake, via adoption, or alien invasion. If you have a uterus and a want of children, you are a BREEDER and we salute you.

MTHRFKR

Dads. Because they fuck mothers.

SAD CAKE

A situation, happenstance, or object that is a bit of a bummer, underwhelming, and/or disappointing. Most commonly experienced while parenting. (See #SadCake)

AWESOMEMOMENTS

Moments while parenting when you have done something you are not particularly proud of that you hope nobody saw.

BAND OF MOTHERS

Other women who friggin love you and love your kid(s). A tribe of BREEDERs who have chosen to lift each other up instead of push each other down.

THIS SHIT IS HARD

Parenting.