Michelle Woo - Horizontal Parenting: How to Entertain Your Kid While Lying Down

For Maggie and Max: You make me so tired, but so happy. M. W.
For my parent friends, some of whom are in this book. D. T.

Copyright 2021 by Michelle Woo.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Woo, Michelle (Writer and editor), author. | Tolstikova, Dasha, illustrator.

Title: Horizontal parenting : how to entertain your kid while lying down / Michelle Woo ; illustrated by Dasha Tolstikova.

Description: San Francisco : Chronicle Books, [2021]

Identifiers: LCCN 2021007699 |

ISBN 9781797211398 (epub, mobi)

ISBN 9781797211343 (hardcover)

Subjects: LCSH: Parent and child--Humor. |
Parenting--Humor. | Games.

Classification: LCC PN6231.P2 W66 2021 | DDC 790.1--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021007699

Design by Rachel Harrell.

Illustrations by Dasha Tolstikova.

The information contained in this book is presented for educational (and entertainment) purposes only. Use common sense and dont actually fall asleep (or let your kid put a cactus on your butt) while parenting.

Bubble Wrap is a registered trademark of Sealed Air Corporation. Etch A Sketch is a registered trademark of Spin Master Ltd. The Great British Baking Show is a registered trademark of Love Productions Limited. Law & Order is a registered trademark of NBCUniversal Media, LLC. Operation is a registered trademark of Hasbro, Inc. PAW Patrol is a registered trademark of Spin Master Ltd. Riverdance is a registered trademark of Riverdance Limited, LLC.

Chronicle books and gifts are available at special quantity discounts to corporations, professional associations, literacy programs, and other organizations. For details and discount information, please contact our premiums department at corporatesales@chroniclebooks.com or at 1-800-759-0190.

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com

Just rest, I would tell my daughter, Maggie, pretty much the moment she learned how to walk. As a young kid, shed zip around the house like a distracted squirrel, asking me to play with her here, then over there, then back over here again.

Lets look at the fish tank! shed say, motioning me toward her. Wanna hop like bunnies? Catch the ball, Mama!

Yearning to park my exhausted body in one place, Id call out to her defeatedly: How about we... just rest?

When you become a parent, you learn that the energy level of children is woefully disproportionate to the energy level of adults. You try to keep up, but there are times when you just cantmaybe you had a long day at work, or youre not feeling well, or you are forty.

Fortunately, there is relief. Ive discovered a secret that savvy moms and dads have known for ages, one that allows you to relax on demand. Listen closely, weary parents of the world: Its time to start entertaining your kids while lying down.

What youre about to learn is called horizontal parenting, and all it requires are some basic household items and your imagination. Have a washable marker? Let your child make mole constellations, connecting the sunspots on your back. Got some painters tape? Great. Your kid is now a CSI agent who must create an outline of the victims body (read: yours). See some blankets? Excellent. Youre a burrito ready to be rolled by a tiny burrito maker. The idea here is to use your listless body as an activity source. Make up ridiculous stories. Lean into the weird.

In this guide, youll find fifty games and activities that you can do with your kids while collapsed on the sofa or floor. Refer to this book oftenmaybe even tonight when youre counting down the minutes to that glorious hour known as bedtime.

And dont worry if anyone walks past your sprawled-out body, wondering why your child is drawing the Big Dipper in your armpit. Simply smile, give them a look of assurance, and say, Hey, were playing here.

Grown-ups are tall. But how tall? Have your kid estimate your height in whatever household objects you have on hand: cereal boxes, cans of soup, sneakers, sheets of toilet paper, docile pets. Then tell them to line up the items next to your body and count them. Were they close? No? Try again with something even smaller this time.

BONUS POINTS:

Use tiny crackers and a clean floor and this one doubles as snack time.

Youre nineteen carrots tall, Mama.

Nice! Try peas next.

So your kid is a budding Michelangeloor at least thats what Grandma tells her knitting club pals. Have them draw a portrait of you while you nap. If you have multiple kids, you can even turn it into an art contest. Remind them that details are important, especially the dark circles underneath your eyes caused by years of sleep deprivation.

BONUS POINTS:

Have your kid use an Etch A Sketch.

Dont forget to color in Dads drool.

The next time your kid begs, Can you play hide-and-seek with me, pleeeeeease? introduce them to this new and highly improved version of the game. How it works: As you count to twenty, your kid hides. When you finish counting, instead of embarking on a search through your home, just shout out your guesses from your comfy resting spot: Are you underneath the bathroom sink? Behind the living room planter? Gosh, this is tricky. I bet youre in the pantry! When you guess correctly, your kid must emerge from their hiding spot and the game starts again.

BONUS POINTS:

Use a baby monitor intercom as a microphone.

Calling all amateur detectives and Law & Order extras: Theres been an incident at 100 Living Room Lane, where a body has been found sprawled out on the floor. Yours. Presumed cause of death: listening to The Wheels on the Bus on full volume 7,592 times. Your kid is a CSI agent and their mission is to get to the bottom of the case. Using a roll of painters tape, ask them to make an outline of your body to submit as evidence.

BONUS POINTS:

Have your kid take fingerprints of every one of your fingers and toeprints of every one of your toes.

A tiny stealth ninja has invaded your home. This one is swift, silent, and, come to think of it, looks a lot like your kid. As you lie facedown on the floor and close your eyes, have them walk past you as quietly as possible. If you hear the slightest sound, yell, Ninja! and send them back to the starting line. Again.

BONUS POINTS: