Merrilee Browne Boyack - The Parenting Breakthrough

Interior illustrations 2005 Aaron Taylor.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Boyack, Merrilee Browne.

The parenting breakthrough: real-life plan to teach kids to work, save money, and be truly independent/Merrilee Browne Boyack.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN-13 978-1-59038-441-1 (pbk.)

1. ParentingHandbooks, manuals, etc. 2. Child rearingHandbooks, manuals, etc. I. Title.

HQ755.8.B695 2005 649'.1dc22 2005002314

Printed in the United States of America

R. R. Donnelley

10 9

To my daddy, Roger J. Browne Jr. The Great, who taught me to Never, never, never give up! Probably the best parenting advice ever given.

Acknowledgments

I'd like to say thank you to my husband, who nagged me for three years to get this written and has already started bugging me about the next book. I'd like to thank my children who, when I told them I was writing a parenting book, did not burst out laughing and question my sanity. Grateful appreciation also goes to my parents, who did not roll their eyesat least not in front of me. Thanks also goes to my girlfriends Diane, Sue and Libby, who actually know my children and haven't laughed either but have joined in the nagging with my husband. Thank you to my dog and the two hamsters, who have been the only other females in the household.

Actually, I really do want to thank my parents for much more than not rolling their eyes. They were excellent parents and taught me by actually doing. I'm still blown away that dinner was always on the table by 6:00 P.M. And my husband is absolutely the best father on the entire planet. I am not exaggerating. I get choked up whenever I think about how lucky I was to get such a fine dad for these boys. And lots of love goes to my in-laws, who behave as if they think their daughter-in-law walks on water. I've so appreciated their unfailing love. Thank you also to my older sister Kathe, who is about the finest mother I've ever seen and sets such a great example for me.

And thanks to Emily Watts, my editor, who actually encouraged me to include my personality in the book. So if parts of this book seem really weird, you can blame her.

CHAPTER 1

Introduction:Enter to Learn, Go Forth to Serve

Every time I go to Provo, Utah, and see the words Enter to Learn, Go Forth to Serve at the entrance to the Brigham Young University campus, a thrill runs through me. What a lofty purpose! Enter to learn and then use the knowledge you have gained by going forth to serve.

That phrase also describes what we do in our families. We enter into our mortal experience as tiny babies who know nothing. We're here to learn. As parents, we have gone through our initial learning and now have gone forth to serve. Our job is to teach our children so that they, too, are equipped to go forth and serve in the Kingdom. What a beautiful cycle of learning and service! This book will focus on teaching and training our children so that their learning will be effective and complete.

I just need to warn you at the outset that this isn't your usual parenting book. I decided to write this as if I was chatting with my best friend, so it will be a bit different.

Okay, let's start with the who. Hello. I'm Merrilee Boyack, and my husband, Steve, and I live in the San Diego, California, area (paradise on earth!). Isn't Merrilee a cool first name? My mom chose it because I was born on the twelfth day of Christmas. I have four sons, ages 14, 16, 18, and 23. You know what that means: I am an absolute expert on raising children age 24 and older.

I'm also an attorney. I heard thatyou just went, euuwww. I knew you would. But I run my law practice part-time from home, and in the meantime I do lots of stuff just like you. I'm not a psychologist or anything like that. I'm a mom who has spent the last 23 years in the real-life work of parenting.

Now, on to the why. Why did I write this book? Well, when I had my children, I began watching other parents to see what worked and what didn't work. I realized a shocking thing: Very few parents actually had a plan for how they were raising their children. That seemed strange to me. So I developed my own plan. Over the years, many, many people have requested a copy of our family's plan, wanting to know how it works. So here we are!

There are things in this book that you will think are absolutely fabulous and you will implement them immediately and they will change your life. There are some things that you might think are good ideas but not for right now. If you're over 40, you'll forget those things within about 15 minutes, so don't give the book away. If you're under 35, you're probably sleep-deprived with young children, so you'll forget them too. That's okay. Just reread the booksay, every yearand it'll be different for you every time.

And some of the ideas in the book you'll think are incredibly stupid and you are sure you would never want to do them. Ah, be very careful. I will now share with you Parenting Tip #1: Never say Never! I can almost promise you that the minute you get that word past your lips, you will have set in motion a chain of events guaranteeing that you will face that situation. It's a little like having someone dump a bucket of freezing cold water over your headyou don't know whether to be shocked or angry or both. For instance, I can remember looking condescendingly at parents with wild little boys and thinking smugly (with my one docile little boy) that I would never have an out-of-control child like that. And of course, my next son was a little hellion whom we lovingly called J.T. (Junior Terrorist) until he was old enough to realize those were not his initials.

Frankly, I think the Lord starts to chuckle the minute we say, I would never and He sends us that very challenge. I sometimes wonder if He does it for the sheer entertainment value. I can remember many: I would never feed my children sugary cereals. Or I would NEVER allow my kids to______. Feel free to fill in the blank on that one. It is much safer just to avoid the word altogether. Don't even say, Okay, I will never say never! because that too will backfire. Just a little tip.

Now that you know the who and the why for me, let me ask you one question: Why are you reading this book? Perhaps you are totally desperate and at your wits end as to how to handle a particular child or situation. Or perhaps you just like to look around for other good ideas out there that might help you improve. Or maybe your mother-in-law gave you the book with a knowing nod and said, You better read thisfast! Whatever the reason, I hope it will be of help to you.

Feel free to pick out the parts that work for you and ignore the others for now. On one condition. We must all take the Dump the Guilt pledge. You see, parenting is riddled with guilt. We feel guilty, sure that we're scarring our kids for life, if we don't have dinner on the table at 6:00 every night. We feel guilty if our kids aren't perfect little angels. You're going to read stuff here that makes you think, Oh, brother, why didn't I do this sooner? Let it go. Let it all go. You see, you can't do a thing about the past, and all you'll do by worrying about it is get wrinkles.