Merrilee Browne Boyack - Strangling Your Husband Is NOT an Option: A Practical Guide to Dramatically Improving Your Marriage

Library ofCongress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Boyack, Merrilee Browne. Strangling yourhusband is not an option : a practical guide to dramatically improving your marriage / Merrilee Browne Boyack. p. cm. Includes index. ISBN-10 1-59038-582-9 (pbk.) ISBN-13 978-1-59038-582-1 (pbk.) 1. MarriageHandbooks, manuals, etc.2. Man-womanrelationshipsHandbooks, manuals, etc. 3. WivesConduct of life. I. Title. HQ734.B775 2006 248.8'4350882893dc22 2006001882

Printed in the United States of America

Delta Printing Solutions, Valencia, CA

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Thisbook is dedicated to my mom, Hilda Faulkner Browne, my first teacher on how tobe a wife.

Preface

This book took a lot of courage to write. Itsa rather sensitive topic for each of usincluding me. Id trulylike to thank my husband, Steve, who encouraged me and was brave enough to be apart of this. It has been such an honor to be his wife for over twenty-sixyears. Im not sure he knew what he was getting into, but he has hung in thereregardless. Bless him for his courage and patience.

Id like to thank my mom, Hilda Faulkner Browne, who taughtme my first lessons in the real world of living as a wifeday-to-dayand who didnt laugh too hard when I toldher I was writing this. And as always, thanks to my personal Ya-Yas,Diane, Sue, and Libby, who always believe in me and support me and dont falldown laughing at all my wild ideas.

Chapter 1

Getting Started

Learning and growing is an exciting prospect. Changing how we act and who we are as wives is a thrilling adventure.

I have a very small confession to make: I amnot quite the perfect wife yet. Almost, but not quite. And I figure after a fewhundred more years, I will definitely be there. Until that point, I am a workin progress just like you. But after a quarter century of marriage (HolyToledo! That sounds interminably long!), I have learned a few things aboutbeing a wife. Most Ive learned the hard way.

There are so many things that I wish I had known when I wasa new young wife. But I am grateful that I have learned so much in the firsttwenty-six years, and I feel a desire to share it with others whodesire to improve their own marriages. Im sure there is a ton more to learn inthe decades to come, and Im excited by those prospects.

Now I know that youre still chuckling over the title ofthis book. I must admit I was very surprised when it was suggested by mypublisher. He commented, But Merrilee, it fits your personality! I assuredhim that while I agree that it did mirror my own warped sense of humor, I wasntso sure it should be put on the cover! My mother-in-law was concerned that itreflected poorly on her son, but I assured her that it did not reference mydear husband specifically. I assured her that many (dare I say most?) wives are sometimes exasperatedwith their dear husbands.

So let us keep in mind that we shall not be recommending strangling as a good option forimproving our marriages! (Much to the relief of our hubbies, I am sure.)

As I contemplated this subject of being a wife, I realizedthat there are many types of wives out there. Some are good; some are great;some are lousy. Some wives are gifted communicators. Others are amazingnurturers. All in all, however, I realized early on that I would not be likeany other wife. I may not be great, good, perfect, or anything like anyoneelse. But the one thing I could do was to be smart. I could learn what works well and try to apply it tomy own marriage. I could also learn what was not effective and try to eliminateit. Each of us can strive, within our own unique situations and with our ownunique abilities, to be a smart wife.

Have you noticed that there arent too many classes and veryfew books on being a wife? Thats because no guy on the planet would stand upand tell a group of women how to do it. And frankly, very few women have theguts to do it either. But Im very much in touch with my faults, so Im okaywith talking about it while realizing that Im still working on it.

I truly owe a debt of gratitude to those who have helped melearn how to be a better wife, particularly my older sister. So just forpurposes of this book, Ill be your older sisterbut a veryyoung-looking older sister!

This topicimproving ourselves aswivesgoes directly to one of the most important issues of ourday. Listen to President Gordon B. Hinckleys comments. When a reporter askedhim about his greatest concerns, President Hinckley replied, I am concernedabout family life in the Church. We have wonderful people, but we have too manywhose families are falling apart. It is a matter of serious concern. I think itis my most serious concern. That is rather frank and scary comingfrom our prophet. Anything we can do to improve ourselves as wives and toimprove our marriages is vitally important.

Now think about being a wife. A wife is not her husbandsmother (although some act that way); shes not his daughter; shes not alwayseven his best friend. Shes his wife. What does that mean?

At Sunday School a teacher explained how God created everything,including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they toldhim how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs. Later in the week his mothernoticed him lying down as though he were ill and said, Johnny, what is thematter? Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think Im goingto have a wife.

That may be how some husbands view usas apain in the side. But hopefully we (and they) have a better view of who weare.

But how do you learn how to be a wife? How do you incorporatethat new role into your life? Thats not particularly easy to do. And mostwomen are reluctantbecause of fear orembarrassmentto discuss how theyre developing as a wife.

Can you just envision being out to lunch with your femalefriends and having this conversation? So, how are you doing as a wife? Oh,well, Im doing a great job on the supporting aspect but Im lousy at thatwhole communications thing. Right. Like that would ever happen. Most of ourinteractions with other women center around homemaking, children, work, andother safe topics. Any discussion about our marriages tends to focus on thecollective husband-bashing that has practically become the sport of choicefor groups of women across the nation.

Part of this stems from the difficulty many women have inadmitting imperfection. Some women would rather have their tongue cut out thanadmit that they need help learning how to be a better wife or that they aremaking mistakes. Such an admission would damage the faade many of us spend somuch time carefully constructing. I believe that this does more damage thangood. We go around feeling depressed because all we see is the plastic imageothers hold up for the world. And we know that we fall far short of their imageand our pretend image as well. No wonder were depressed!

Yet it should surprise no one to learn that their friendsare having a hard time getting their husbands to talk to them or help aroundthe house. Theyre frustrated with themselves, and theyre frustrated with thestruggle of handling a marriage, just like you. We just need to be more open inadmitting that struggle and asking for help.