Susie OBrien - The Secret of Half-Arsed Parenting: Raising kids with half the guilt and twice the joy

This book is for my kids, who are proud of it, even though there are lots of stories about them in it.

For Paddy, for his love and support.

And for my mum Jen and dad Mick, who are the original and best half-arsed parents.

Published in 2021 by Murdoch Books, an imprint of Allen & Unwin

Copyright Susie OBrien 2021

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.

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A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 76052 573 6 Australia

ISBN 978 1 91163 274 0 UK

eISBN 978 1 76087 467 4

Cover design by Alissa Dinallo

Text design by Susanne Geppert

Cover photography by Getty Images, Foodcollection

Set by Midland Typesetters, Australia

Every reasonable effort has been made to trace and acknowledge the owners of copyright material in this book. The author(s) and publisher will be glad to receive information leading to more complete acknowledgements in subsequent printings of this book and in the meantime extend their apologies for any omissions or accidental infringements.

Parenting sure isnt what it used to be.

When I was growing up in the 70s, kids were free-range, like the underarm hair. Babies spent hours in the backyard, gazing at the clouds from their wooden gaols. Toddlers tottered around shopping centres on leashes like dogs. Mums switched to menthol cigarettes when they were pregnant, and dads dipped their babys dummies in whiskey to help them sleep through the night.

By the 80s, parents continued to walk the fine line between neglect and indifference. Kids had latchkeys and let themselves in after school, rolled around unsecured in the back seats of cars and sat in the car park of the local pub. Their parents, who were inside drinking, occasionally brought them out packets of chips and lemonade. (Okay, that might have just been my sister and me.) In the 90s, mobile phones made their debut. But they werent smart, nor were most parents, who didnt yet have Google to help them with their kids homework. Back then, peanut-butter sandwiches were still sold in tuckshops, kids had lemonade stands without needing council permits, and internet connections dropped out when you picked up the landline.

Things have improved. These days kids wear seatbelts, nuts are banned in schools and babies dont wake up with hangovers, but its harder than ever to be a parent. Now lunchbox food has to be nude, Baa Baa is a rainbow sheep and were meant to ask permission from a baby before changing its nappy. Children used to be seen and not heard, now theyre noisy and everywhere. Kids today even the bratty ones are indulged and adored. Look, he spoke a word. Whip out your iPhone and record it for posterity. Look, hes preciously pooing. Film it for his 21st. Look, she finished last in a 50 metre walking race. Better give her a medal.

Ive been a parent for 17 years now, but Ive got more questions than ever. How can my elder son get an A in trigonometry but still think verse is a verb? (As in, Will the Sydney Swans verse Geelong today?) And how does my 14-year-old know the difference between an infusion and a reduction, thanks to TV cooking shows, but not know how to grill us sausages for dinner? And why did they spend their time in Covid lockdown killing each other on video games instead of nurturing a sourdough starter like the kids of my Instagram friends?

Its time to do things differently and embrace the half-arsed approach to raising kids that served our parents so well. We need to stop being hyper-parents, helicopter parents or hands-on parents and instead become half-arsed parents.

Half-arsed parenting is about doing half as much and knowing it is still more than enough. Its not an invitation to give up and do a bad job across the board. It doesnt mean giving kids less love, empathy or protection. It means releasing yourself from other peoples standards, expectations and rules.

Half-arsed parents know that when it comes to raising kids, you dont have to be perfect. Know your limits and set the bar low enough so you succeed. Near-enough is usually good enough. Its okay that your childs first word was Bluey or Elsa rather than Mama or Dadda. Because heres the truth:

No one cares as much as you about the way youre bringing up your kids.

They may act as if they do, but they dont. Trust me.

This means its okay to fake it until you make it. And if you dont make it, no one will notice. The celebrities pretending to be perfect are faking it too. They spend their days posting inspirational phrases like Be the best you #glow, #bless but only get out of bed thanks to a generous slug of vodka in their green goddess breakfast smoothie. I am not green or a goddess. I once tried to drink hot water with lemon and it looked like a giant cup of wee. I also made a kale smoothie and it tasted like grass clippings. Half-arsed parents know the kids will be alright, like they always are. Whats important is that mums and dads are alright too.

Half-arsed parenting is also about getting back to basics. Whatever happened to toasted sandwiches for dinner? Kids sharing bedrooms and bathrooms? Making meals with what youve got, not what you buy from the organic market or get delivered via an app? Thats how it was when we were young and we turned out okay, didnt we? (Yes, except for our record-high anxiety rates and inexplicable love of TV reality dating shows.)

This book will help you uncover the absurdities and hypocrisies of modern parenting and show how they make mums and dads feel guilty for doing normal things. It pokes fun at all the unrealistic goals and expectations thrust on parents today. Parents dont need more thrusting: its how we got into this mess in the first place. Half-arsed parents love their kids, but find raising them harder than it should be, mainly due to the interference of others. Mums and dads already know the answers and should trust their instincts to get it right. We should not be shamed for using cling wrap on school sandwiches, letting our kids read Thomas the Tank Engine even though there are no female lead characters, or neglecting them during home schooling so we could get some work done.

As a result of all this pressure and guilt, parents feel compelled to be more invested in their kids lives than ever before. Its not just about protecting kids from unseen and often non-existent dangers, but caring about every grade, interaction and conversation. This means attending every sporting match, manipulating every friendship and orchestrating all aspects of school life.

It wasnt like that when I was young. Spending weekends watching me exhibit my dire lack of athletic skills wasnt high on Mick OBriens agenda. He had better things to do, like wearing budgie smugglers as daywear and cementing things into the ground. I cant imagine Dad or even Mum putting love notes in my lunchbox, capturing every sporting move on camera or giving me veggies fanned out like a rainbow for dinner like parents are expected to do today.