Lowe - Raised by unicorns: stories from people with LGBTQ+ parents

RAISED

BY

UNICORNS

Copyright 2018 by Frank Lowe.

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by Cleis Press, an imprint of Start Midnight, LLC, 101 Hudson Street, Thirty-Seventh Floor, Suite 3705, Jersey City, NJ 07302.

Printed in the United States.

Cover design: Scott Idleman/Blink

Text design: Frank Wiedemann

Author photo: Matthew J. Wagner, Fine Photography

First Edition.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-62778- 256-2

E-book ISBN: 978-1-62778-257-9

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

TIME article excerpts from I Was Ashamed and Silent About Being Raised by Two Women provided by, and used with the permission of, Time Inc.

TIME article excerpts from Why Children of Same-Sex Parents Should No Longer Feel Invisible provided by, and used with the permission of, Time Inc.

CONTENTS

Ariel Chesler

Jenny Gangloff Rain

Persis Ticknor-Swanson

Calvin Ticknor-Swanson

Kate Hillyer

Olivia Rudis

Eric Tracy-Cohen

Kellen Kaiser

Mary Holland

Mikayla Denault

Emily Grubbs

Ryan Murphy

Lara Lillibridge

Rebecca Gorman

An Interview with Joe Valentine

I dedicate this book to the pioneering LGBTQ+ parents that inspired me to follow in their footsteps, and to their children that continually inspire and amaze me.

EDITORS NOTE

H I, I M F RANK L OWE , a forty-one-year-old divorced gay dad. Some of you may know me from my snarky, acerbic Twitter persona @GayAtHomeDad. Others may be familiar with my writing for publications such as Huff Post, Gays with Kids, and The Advocate online, among many more. When I started tweeting in 2012, my original intent was to blow the roof off gay parenting stigmas. I used humor to diffuse what was a newer concept then (times have changed in five years), and it worked. I amassed over a hundred thousand followers who can now say they know at least one gay dad.

I used that platform to segue into what I really wanted to dohelp others in the LGBTQ+ community, specifically youth. Through my writing, I opened my life wide open and gave people a true perspective into what it means to be a gay parent. Most readers have discovered theres not really a big difference. Sure, I might put a little more flair into styling my kids hair, but thats about it. Needless to say, my son is my life, and Ive dedicated myself to him becoming the best human possible.

Growing up as a gay kid in the 1970s and 1980s, I never viewed fatherhood as a possibility. Everywhere I looked, images of the LGBTQ+ community were hyperbolic and superficial. I didnt have an idol to admire because gay was considered a defect. Much to my surprise, there were pioneers and always have been; brave LGBTQ+ individuals who ignored the criticism and became parents when no one dared. To them I will always raise my glass, and extend an appreciation that goes beyond words. But I can assure you, the fight is still raging. There is much work to be done, and many eyes that need opening.

Six million and counting. A huge number, right? Hard to believe when you consider were discussing U.S. citizens who have at least one LGBTQ+ parent. But thats reality. These people cant even type my moms or my dads into Microsoft Word without it wanting to add an unnecessary possessive apostrophei.e. my moms (try it, youll be amazed). Whether they want to be or not, they are an extension of the LGBTQ+ community. Terms such as queerspawn have been used to describe them, but personally I wouldnt refer to my son as that. In fact, I dont think he needs a label. He can be what he wants to be.

When people discover that I have a son, the first question is always how? I understand the curiosity and happily volunteer the truth. My now ex-husband and I adopted him from birth, locally. That sums it up very succinctly, and allows me to elaborate, should I choose to. The long version is that we got on the adoption list, were chosen by our birthmother six weeks later, and she had our son nine days after that. It was a whirlwind of happiness and new responsibilities. My joke has always been that straight couples get nine months; we only had nine days.

Prior to our sons birth, I longed for any kind of information about gay adoption and raising a baby. It was 2009, and there were a few popular options. Every night, Id be awake until three A.M . reading, to absorb all I could. Eventually I wanted something I was unable to find: the viewpoint from kids with LGBTQ+ parents. Now, that isnt to say there werent choices available (there were and are). I just couldnt locate them easily, and time was not on my side.

Before we knew it, our son Briggs arrived and my priorities shifted immediately. I was fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home dad (hence the infamous Twitter moniker), and my entire life revolved around him. I thought less and less about, What will he think about all this eventually? and focused more on How can I currently improve his life? Not to say I wasnt empathetic to him, things just changed once he came along.

Fast forward to now2018hes eight, and Ive never been more proud of a human being in my life. Hes been an inspiration to me in infinite ways, including what youre reading right now. I was gifted with this fantastic opportunity, and can finally give voices to those who have been relatively silent or swept under the rug.

Raised by Unicorns is obviously a take on the old adage raised by wolves, and I couldnt find it a more fitting title. Not that I necessarily consider myself a unicorn (well, okay, sometimes), but the LGBTQ+ community comprises unique individuals and therefore, it seemed entirely appropriate. My goal was to present a diverse anthology to you, full of different life experiences. These stories run the gamut, and that is the beauty of it all. You may notice that this book is a little heavier on the L and G, but I feel that is a snapshot of the time we are living in and is constantly evolving. I envision this as a first volume, and want to revisit it every decade or so to document the inevitable changes and progress.

All I hope you take away from this book is empathy. These people are beautiful souls who have faced adversity since they were born. Some of the stories might be what you imagine, and others will floor you. Regardless, in a century or so, this will be history, and I thank you for being part of it just by taking all of this in.

T O START US off, here is a note from my son, as he is too young to write a chapter:

Hi, my name is Briggs. Im eight-and-a-half-years-old and in the third grade. I have two dads and they are very nice to me. My dads help me with things. I like that I have two dads. They dont live together anymore, but thats okayI still see them the same. I get two Christmases now. I call one dad Daddy, and the other one is ODaddy. I talk to them every night. I love playing video games with Daddy and playing catch with ODaddy. I love my dads very, very much!

THE CURIOUS CASE OF A STRAIGHT BOY COMING OUT