Bradford Kolb - LOVE COMES FIRST: Creating LGBTQ Families

Copyright 2021 by Love Comes First, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book, associated software, or website content may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any meanswhether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronicwithout written permission of the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotes in articles and reviews.

ISBN Paperback: 978-1-7366285-0-8

ISBN Hardcover: 978-1-7366285-1-5

Cover art by Rose Masterpol 2020

Printed in the United States of America.

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

hen we began working on Love Comes First, the desire was to present the various reproductive possibilities available to LGBTQ people for creating their families, from a medical perspective.

However, we also understood how important it was to cover multiple ways of building families, including adoptionstill an evolving process for the LGBTQ community that varies from state to state. With that in mind, we decided to go to the experts themselves to address not only the process of adoption, but other aspects of reproduction that intended parents may need to considerfrom sperm and egg donation, surrogacy and legal rights. Psychological and sociological insight from experts in their fields could also help guide families on their way to parenthood.

Finally, we realized that inspiration was needed in addition to education. The personal stories of LGBTQ familiestheir struggles as well as their blessingswould provide a complete guide in three parts: Family Stories, Expert Advice and Reproductive Possibilities.

Love Comes First has indeed been a labor of love, and we sincerely hope our book will encourage all would-be and current LGBTQ parents.

Please note that all information was accurate at the time of each interview.

Love Comes First: Creating LGBTQ Families shares beautiful stories to support all of us, no matter what stage in life you are. Its a resource I wish I had twenty years agoI love that this book exists now, and for future generations. We are so, so lucky to have these stories to encourage us to live authentically and with purpose, however that may look.

Nate Berkus, host of Nate & Jeremiah by Design

Love Comes First: Creating LGBTQ Families is an inspiring resource for beginning your journey to parenthood.

Andy Cohen, host of What Happens Live with Andy Cohen

Love Comes First: Creating LGBTQ Families shows us all the different ways to build families. Its a lot more than a how-to guide. It gives us hope and encouragement that our families will help make the world a better place.

Melissa Etheridge, multi-award-winning singer, songwriter, musician and activist

My family means everything to me. I feel extraordinarily blessed to have my beautiful family which as a young, gay man, didnt seem possible or acceptable in the 80s. But LGBTQ parents can be loving and protective parents just like anyone else and I hope we continue to break down the barriers that challenge or stigmatize LGBTQ families.

David Furnish, co-chief of Rocket Pictures along with his husband, Sir Elton John

FAMILY STORIES

GBTQ families come together in the most creative waysfrom adoption to sperm/egg donation to surrogacy. But of course, each family has their unique story to tell.

Here, families of all configurations share with us their own special paths to parenting that are not always obvious or easy but, in the end, have brought them closer together and excited for whatever their futures may hold.

Lesbian Parents

Kristi and Theresa

Linda and Kirsten

Tess and Nikina

Karina and Christina

Gay Parents

Anthony and Byron

Ron and Greg

Perez

Gabriel and Dylan

John and Anthony

Ryan and David

Gay Dad and Surrogate

Charles and Jennifer

Bisexual Mom

Ellen

Transgender/Queer Parents

Sam and Lissa

Lesbian/Gay Co-Parents

Claudia, Rosie, Sergio and Bobby

LESBIAN PARENTS

KRISTI and THERESA

Kristi and Theresa were both on the job as law enforcement officersKristi with the Los Angeles Police Department and Theresa with the Sheriffs Departmentwhen they met on a camping trip with mutual friends. It was love at first sight, says Theresa. And Kristi felt the same way.

But there was a small catchtwo, in fact. In the campsite stood a playpen with Kristis twin babies, Eric and Danika. Theresa was moved by how Kristi would interact with them, and yet, she had never so much as changed a diaper herself. Despite her initial hesitation, when the two women met again, this time at a conference for LGBTQ police officers, their attraction overcame Theresas fear. Theyre not china dolls, she recalls Kristi telling her. Go ahead and pick them up.

In contrast, Kristi had always wanted children. Her decision to become a police officer in her early thirties was in part motivated by the stability it would provide should she need to care for them as a single parent. But the conception process, using her own eggs with donor sperm, proved to be more difficult than expected. After one disappointing try following another, her doctor suggested that she leave the patrol squad for a while and take a less stressful desk job. She agreed, and yet, every month it was a heartbreak when the process still failed to work. Finally, Kristi decided to take a break because it was just consuming me. When she did go back to the doctor a year later, she was ready to try again, this time with even more resolve to do whatever it took to make it happen.

The only solution, according to her doctor, was to use donor eggs. And thats when her community stepped in. One of her close friends invited her over for dinner and introduced her to four young women. These are your egg donors, she told her. Why dont you sit down and have a discussion with them and find out which one you would like? Kristi was overwhelmed by their generosity. She selected the youngest woman, assuming her egg quality would be the best, and began the process of getting pregnant once again.

This time, at the age of 42, it took. She was driving her squad car around the Hollywood Hills when the call came. And I just rolled down the windows of the police car and I screamed, Im pregnant!

A few weeks later she discovered that not only was she pregnant, but she was carrying twins. Kristi was delighted to hear the news, and loved being pregnant. Her colleagues at work were also very supportive of her. The Chief of Police even attended her baby shower. And not too many people can say that Chief Bratton was at their baby shower.