Lucy Mannering - Surviving your split: a guide to separation, divorce and family law in Australia

SURVIVING YOUR SPLIT

SURVIVING

YOUR

SPLIT

A guide to separation, divorce
and family law in Australia

LUCY MANNERING
& REBEKAH MANNERING

MELBOURNE UNIVERSITY PRESS

An imprint of Melbourne University Publishing Limited

Level 1, 715 Swanston Street, Carlton, Victoria 3053, Australia

www.mup.com.au

First published 2018

Text Lucy Mannering and Rebekah Mannering, 2018

Design and typography Melbourne University Publishing Limited, 2018

This book is copyright. Apart from any use permitted under the Copyright Act 1968 and subsequent amendments, no part may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means or process whatsoever without the prior written permission of the publishers.

Every attempt has been made to locate the copyright holders for material quoted in this book. Any person or organisation that may have been overlooked or misattributed may contact the publisher.

Cover design by Design by Committee

Typeset by Megan Ellis

Printed in Australia by McPhersons Printing Group

9780522872781 (paperback)

9780522872798 (ebook)

Contents

Welcome to the club

Welcome to the club that you never wanted to join. When we stood in front of our family and friends and pledged until death do us part, we never thought wed be among the 94 000 Australians who get divorced every year, and you probably didnt, either. Or maybe you didmaybe your divorce has been a long time coming. Maybe youre initiating it. Maybe your mum told you on your wedding day not to go through with it, like one bride we know. But then again, maybe its come completely out of the blue.

Or perhaps your de facto relationship, with houses or assets, children or fur-babies, or a mix of all of them, has come to an end.

Whatever route youve taken to get here, youre splitting up. And its a scary, confusing time. For most people, divorce is what psychologists like to call a major life crisis, and it comes in at number two on the list of Really Horrible Things That Can Happen To Humans, just behind the death of a spouse or a loved one.

And yes, there may be times when you truly believe that your spouse dying would have been easier than the hell youre going through now. If they were dead, you wouldnt be facing the prospect of possibly losing your home and time with your kids, not to mention the embarrassment of your marriage ending. Right now, divorce might seem like the worst thing in the world.

But were here to sayyou will get through this. We did. Rebekah separated from her first husband four months before Lucy separated from hers. And as lawyers, who grew up as the children of family lawyers, even we sometimes felt scared and confused as we navigated a strange new world that we never thought wed be part of. Weve also helped our friends with their separations and divorces, and we realised how valuable it is to have easy access to expert advice and support. We hope youll see this book as the next best thing to having a family lawyer as your best friend.

We know how to find our way around the bureaucratic nightmare that is the family law system, and we know how to fill in form J(2) a(ii) in triplicate and what a section 60I certificate is, and where exactly to put the initials at the bottom of each page. We might not be awesome at first marriages, but this is about divorce, not staying married to your first partner (because at that, we again admit, were not great).

So, given our experience both personal and professional in this field, we wrote this book. Its for everyone who wants some help navigating the legal minefield that divorce can be, and who is looking for some tips on how to get through it with their life relatively intactand with an even better, happier life on the other side.

Its not anti-man or anti-woman, or anti-dads or anti-mums (we dont really want to limit our potential audience like that; were not crazy, after allwell take all the money). Most of all, its a book designed to help you through this difficult period in your life. Even the most toxic divorce is better than the alternativestaying in a toxic marriage.

Well look at how you can survive, and thrive, during and after your divorce. The book is broken into sections covering the bits many people find the most difficult aspects of ending a relationshiplike the first few days, the first month, the first Christmas, and the first night without your kids. Weve included case studies to help put into context the issues we discussmost are from cases we, or our colleagues, have worked on, but some are stories weve been told by friends and family.

We know lawyers are expensive. We know they can be difficult to talk to. We know they say annoying things like Well, the case of blah and blah said xyz, but really its hard to say what any given judge will decide on the day, when you just want answers, dammit!

We know that you might not have any idea whats first, or whats next. This book isnt an alternative to getting the best family lawyer you can find. You must get yourself a lawyer if you can. If you have no access to funds, or you have low funds, well explain how to contact Legal Aid or another legal service assistance provider in your state. But what this book will do is help you understand the basics of the family law system, while saving you money by giving you the tools youll need to navigate through it.

With our help, youll be armed with the most up-to-date tips on getting the best outcome for you, and for your family, and how to do it without totally destroying your relationship with your former spouse. After all, theyre not going anywhere (especially if youve got kidsthen theyre really, really not going anywhere) and youve got them in your life forever. Make it so you can look back on this stage of your life and say, I behaved well, and fairly, even though I was so angry that I looked up whether provocation was still a partial defence to murder in my state.

And although were not psychologists (if you can, you should see an actual psychologist), weve included a bit about the psychology of divorce, and attachment theory, and how grief works, which can help explain why you feel so very awful, even if you want to get divorced.

The book also includes worksheets that you can use (if youre a worksheet kind of person) to help you make plans for your future, or to help you clarify in your mind what you really want, and to help you get a clear idea of questions you want to ask your lawyer.

Studies have shown that writing things down makes us much more likely to implement our plans, and helps us realise what we actually want to achieve, and what questions we need to ask. The vast majority of businesses have business plans, and the worksheets are a way of using these techniques to help you through this time.

And remembermarriages come and go, but divorce is forever!

Safety note

The sad truth is that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving a relationship. In 2015, eighty women were killed by their domestic partners in Australia.

If you have any reason, or even if you only think you might have a reason, to fear your partner, male or female, there is help available by calling 1800 RESPECT.