Rita Lakin - Getting Old Is Criminal

Getting Old Is Criminal — read online for free the complete book (whole text) full work

Below is the text of the book, divided by pages. System saving the place of the last page read, allows you to conveniently read the book "Getting Old Is Criminal" online for free, without having to search again every time where you left off. Put a bookmark, and you can go to the page where you finished reading at any time.

Light

Font size:

↓

↑

Georgia Tahoma Arial Verdana

Reset

Interval:

↓

↑

Bookmark:

Make

1234567...56

also by rita lakin

Getting Old Is Murder

Getting Old Is the Best R e v eng e

and

Getting Old Is T o Die F o r

Coming from Dell in spring 2008

Getting Old Is

Criminal

Rita Lakin

A D E L L B O O K

GETTING OLD IS CRIMINAL A Dell Book / May 2007

Published by Bantam Dell
A Division of Random House, Inc.
New York, New York

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead,

events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved
Copyright 2007 by Rita Lakin
Map and ornament illustrations by Laura Hartman Maestro

Book design by Karin Batten

Dell is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc., and the colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

eISBN: 978-0-440-33684-6 www.bantamdell.com

v1.0

This book is for Alison with Love from her Grandma

You don't stop laughing when you grow old. You grow old when you stop laughing. Anonymous

Happy 101st Birthday!
Harold W. (Rudy) Truesdale
Eureka, California

Born 1906, twelve days before the San Francisco earthquake hit.

One of the first commerical pilots ever. Now the oldest living one. Hired by TWA. First airline captain to ever marry a stewardess.

Surveyed the road and pool at Hearst Castle for friend Howard Hughes.

Advice for longevity: a glass of red wine
every night.
Submitted by Burrille Catamach

"Life is not measured by the number of
breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away."
George Carlin, 70, comic

Introduction to Our Characters

gladdy & her gladiators

Gladys (Gladdy) Gold, 75 Our heroine and her funny, adorable, and sometimes impossible partners:

Evelyn (Evvie) Markowitz, 73 Gladdy's sister. Logical, a regular Sherlock Holmes

Ida Franz, 71 Stubborn, mean, great for in-your-face confrontation

Bella Fox, 83 The "shadow." She's so forgettable, she's perfect for surveillance, but smarter than you think

Sophie Meyerbeer, 80 Master of disguises, she lives for color-coordination

yentas, kibitzers, sufferers: the inhabitants of phase two

Hy Binder, 88 A man of a thousand jokes, all of them tasteless

Lola Binder, 78 Hy's wife, who hasn't a thought in her head that he hasn't put there

Denny Ryan, 42 The handyman. Sweet, kind, mentally slow

Enya Slovak, 84 Survivor of "the camps" but never really survived

Tessie Hoffman, 56 Chubby, with a big fat crush on Sol

Millie Weiss, 85 Suffering with Alzheimer's

Irving Weiss, 86 Suffering because Millie is suffering

Mary Mueller, 60 Neighbor and nurse, whose husband left her oddballs and fruitcakes

The Canadians, 3040-ish Young, tan, and clueless

Sol Spankowitz, 79 A lech after the ladies

Dora Dooley, 81 Jack's neighbor, loves soap operas

the cop and the cop's pop

Morgan (Morrie) Langford, 35 Tall, lanky, sweet, and smart

Jack Langford, 75 Handsome and romantic

the library mavens

Conchetta Aguilar, 38 Her Cuban coffee could grow hair on your chest

Barney Schwartz, 27 Loves a good puzzle

new tenants

Barbi Stevens, 20-ish, and

Casey Wright, 20-ish Cousins who moved from California

and:

Yolanda Diaz, 22 Her English is bad, but her heart is good

Gladdy's Glossary

Yiddish (meaning Jewish) came into being between the ninth and twelfth centuries in Germany as an adaptation of German dialect to the special uses of Jewish religious life.

In the early twentieth century, Yiddish was spoken by eleven million Jews in Eastern Europe and the United States. Its use declined radically. However, lately there has been a renewed interest in embracing Yiddish once again as a connection to Jewish culture.

alter kockers - lecherous old men

bubbala (bubeleh) - endearing term

bubkes - trifling, worth nothing

chupeh - bridal canopy

dumkupf - dunce

fahputzed - overly done

feh! - phooey!

gornisht - nothing

haimish - friendly

kibitz - giving unwanted advice

lantsman - countryman, someone from your home area

maven - someone who knows everything

matzo - unleavened bread for Passover

mensch - a dignified person

mishmash - a mess

mamzer - trickster, untrustworthy person

nosh - small meal

pupik - belly button

putz - penis (insult)

rugallah - pastry

schlep - dragging a load

schmear - to spread like butter

tsimmes - fuss

tush - a baby's bottom

yenta - busybody

Getting Old Is

Criminal

SIGH NO MORE, LADY

T he Jacuzzi bubbles tickled. Even the cham pagne tickled as the silvery liquid glided down her eager throat. She looked up at the mirrored ceiling. Then at each mirrored wall. Happily, the bubbles were up to her chin so she didn't have to look at her ninety-five-year-old turkey-wattled neck. Her eyesight was failing, so in the haze of her cataracts, her white hair once again seemed as blond as it had been in her salad days. In her tipsy state, she remembered when she'd been compared to Carole Lombardor so the boys had said in those courting days when they were trying to get into her bloomers.

What was management thinking? Esther Fergusonwondered. Everyone here was close to pushing upthe daisies. Why would they have installed so manymirrors? The first three years she lived here, she haddraped all but the mirror over the sink. It wasRomeo who'd made her take the fabric down, thebetter to admire her.

Esther loved Grecian Villas. Close to the heartof Fort Lauderdale, conveniently located near thebeach and the chic Las Olas Street shoppingareawhat more could anyone want? Everythingin the deluxe retirement community was first-rate.A fabulous dining room that outdid Las Vegas.Food from a class-act chef. Lush lawns. Indoorand outdoor pools. Views of the ocean. First-runmovies any night of the week. Bridge players withtheir brains still intact. Granted, she paid throughthe pupik, but she could afford it. Her dead husband, Harry, had left her very, very, very rich. Andshe had no family except for her rigid son, Alvin,and his annoying wife. They were waiting for her

Next page

1234567...56

Light

Font size:

↓

↑

Georgia Tahoma Arial Verdana

Reset

Interval:

↓

↑

Bookmark:

Make

Similar books «Getting Old Is Criminal»

Look at similar books to Getting Old Is Criminal. We have selected literature similar in name and meaning in the hope of providing readers with more options to find new, interesting, not yet read works.

Rita Y. Shuler

Carolina Crimes: Case Files of a Forensic Photographer

Rita Santos

Act Up!: The War Against HIV in the LGBTQ+ Community

Rita Lakin

The Only Woman in the Room: Episodes in My Life and Career as a Television Writer

Duane Lakin

The Unfair Advantage: Sell with NLP!

Rita Lakin

Getting Old Is the Best Revenge

Rita Lakin

Getting Old Is Tres Dangereux: A Mystery

Rita Rudner

I Still Have It . . . I Just Cant Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething

Rita Lakin

Getting Old Is Tres Dangereux

Rita Lakin

Getting Old Is a Disaster

Rita Lakin

Getting Old Is to Die for

Rita Lakin

Getting Old Is Murder

Rita Hestand

Maebelles Hat

Discussion, reviews of the book Getting Old Is Criminal and just readers' own opinions. Leave your comments, write what you think about the work, its meaning or the main characters. Specify what exactly you liked and what you didn't like, and why you think so.