Rita Lakin - Getting Old Is Murder

You know that old trees just grow stronger

And old rivers grow wilder every day

But old people just grow lonesome

Waiting for someone to say,

"Hello in there. Hello."

Hello in There

BY J OHN P RINE

"Let's face it.

We all have the same five relatives."

Billy Crystal

If one life matters

Then all life matters

A Christian meditation

"The golden years have come at last

Well, the golden years can kiss my ass."

Hy Binder, taken from the Internet

Introduction to Our Characters

GLADDY & HER GLADIATORS

Gladys (Gladdy) Gold, 75Our heroine, andherfunny, adorable, sometimes impossible partners:

Evelyn (Evvie) Markowitz, 73Gladdy'ssister.Logical, a regular Sherlock Holmes

Ida Franz, 71Stubborn, mean, great forin-your-face confrontation

Bella Fox, 83"The shadow." She's soforgettable, she's perfect for surveillance, but smarter than you think

Sophie Meyerbeer, 80Master of disguises,shelives for color-coordination

Francie Charles, 77Always optimistic,Gladdy's best friend

YENTAS, KIBITZERS, SUFFERERS:

THE INHABITANTS OF PHASE TWO

Hy Binder, 88A man of a thousand jokes, allof them tasteless

Lola Binder, 78His wife, who hasn't athought in her head that he hasn't put there

Denny Ryan, 42The handyman. Sweet, kind,mentally slow

Enya Slovak, 84Survivor of "the camps" butnever survived

Harriet Feder, 44"Poor Harriet," stuck withcaring for her mother

Esther Feder, 77Harriet's mom in awheelchair. What a nag

Tessie Hoffman, 56Chubby, in mourning forher best friend

Millie Weiss, 80Suffering with Alzheimer's,and

Irving Weiss, 86Suffering because she'ssuffering

Mary Mueller, 60and

John Mueller, 60Nosy neighbors

ODDBALLS AND FRUITCAKES

The Canadians, 30ishYoung, tan, and clueless

Leo (Mr. Sleaze) Slezak, 50Smarmy realestate broker

Greta Kronk, 88Crazy like a fox

Sol Spankowitz, 79A lech after the ladies

THE COP AND THE COP'S POP

Morgan (Morrie) Langford, 35Tall, lanky,sweet, and smart

Jack Langford, 75Handsome and romantic

THE LIBRARY MAVENS

Conchetta Aguilar, 38Her Cuban coffee couldgrow hair on your chest

Barney Schwartz, 27Loves a good puzzle

AND

Yolanda Diaz, 22Her English is bad, but herheart is good

Gladdy's Glossary

Yiddish (meaning Jewish) came into being between theninth and twelfth centuries in Germany as adaptation of German dialectto the special uses of Jewish religious life.

In the early twentieth century, Yiddish was spoken byeleven million Jews in Eastern Europe and the United States. Its usedeclined radically. However, lately there has been a renewed interestin embracing Yiddish once again as a connection to Jewish culture.

Death by Delivery

T he poison was in the potroast.

In a few hours Selma Beller would be dead. This wasregrettable because tomorrow was her birthday and she was so lookingforward to it. Her husband, Ernie, had keeled over at seventy-nine.Having beaten him at gin rummy and shuffleboard, she had gleefullyintended to beat him yet again, this time to the big eight-oh. Alas,poor Selma.

While she was waiting to die, Selma was dusting.

Dust was her enemy. And she battled mightily. Nofragile feather duster for her. And forget that sissy stuff like lemonPledge. She used good old-fashioned Lysol, confident that neither dustnor germ escaped its lethal dose. Death to dust, she thought and thenlaughed, dust to dust.

Looking up, Selma glanced at the clock. Wherehadtheafternoon gone? It was nearly dinnertime. Too bad her best (and only)friend, Tessie, was busy tonight with out-of-town visitors. She shouldhave gone shopping this morning. Oh, well, there was always cottagecheese, with a piece of cut-up peach and some sour cream. She wrinkledup her nose. What she really craved was red meat. Bloody and rare.

There was a knock on the door.

Selma groped around for her glasses, misplaced, asusual. Giving up, she moved as quickly as she could manage toward thedoor, automatically straightening the doily on the arm of her emeraldgreen recliner. Glancing toward the array of grandchildren's photos onher foyer table, she blew a kiss at the smiling faces.

"Who is it?" she trilled. She would never open thedoor to a stranger.

"Delivery. Meals on Wheels."

Squinting through the peephole, Selma, though hervision was blurred, identified the familiar shopping bags with theMeals on Wheels logo. A volunteer wearing jeans, a windbreaker, abaseball cap, and sunglasses stood there, arms full.

"Wrong apartment," she said wistfully.

"Mrs. Beller? Apartment two-fifteen?"