Getting Old Is
the Best Revenge
Rita Lakin
A D E L L B O O K
GETTING OLD IS THE BEST REVENGE A Dell Book / April 2006
Published by Bantam Dell
A Division of Random House, Inc.
New York, New York
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead,
events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved
Copyright 2006 by Rita Lakin
Map and ornament illustrations by Laura Hartman Maestro
Book design by Karin Batten
Dell is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc., and the colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.
eISBN-13: 978-0-440-33590-0 eISBN-10: 0-440-33590-6
www.bantamdell.com
v1.0
This book belongs to Gavin and Howard, my sons, who have blessed me with their loyalty and their love
"Senior citizens. People say they don't know how to drive. You think it's so easy to maneuver a car on the sidewalk?"
Jack Rothman, 78, Los Angeles, a new stand-up comic
"Comedy is tragedy plus time. These funny people have a lifetime of things to say."
Judy Carter, teacher of stand-up comedy for seniors
"I'm very earthy and I sing earthy songs."
Estelle Reiner, 91 (wife of Carl, mother of Rob), discussing her late-in-life cabaret career in an interview in Time magazine, December 2005
Gladdy's Glossary
Yiddish (meaning Jewish) came into being between the ninth and twelfth centuries in Germany as an adaptation of German dialect to the special uses of Jewish religious life.
In the early twentieth century, Yiddish was spoken by eleven million Jews in Eastern Europe and the United States. Its use declined radically. However, lately there has been a renewed interest in embracing Yiddish once again as a connection to Jewish culture.
bubkes - nothing, worthless
fakackta - dirty
gevalt - cry of distress
kvell - glow with pride
kvetch - whine, complain
maven - know-it-all
mensch - a person of wealth and dignity
meshugas - craziness
meshugeneh - crazy
pupiks - navel, belly button; a term of teasing endearment
putz - penis
rugallah - pastry
schlemiel - a loser
schmaltz - grease or fat
shmuck - penis
shpilkes - on pins and needles
shtups - push, shove; vulgarism for sexual intercourse
tchotchkes - little nothings
vantz - bedbug; (slang) a nobody
yenta - busybody
Getting Old Is
the Best Revenge
Death by Double Bogey
M argaret Dery Sampson, sixty-four, alway said the seventeenth hole would be the death of her, and she was right.
Let's not mince words. Margaret cheated atgolf. After all, being wealthy (inherited, not earned)meant being entitled. It meant always getting whatshe wanted. And what she wanted was to breakthe women's record for the course. She had a feeling today would be the day.
Wrong.
She was with her usual perfectly coiffed andoutfitted foursomerich women who played everyFriday at the exclusive West Palm Beach WatersideCountry Club. It was a beautiful, perfect Floridaday. The lawns glistened in the sunlight. Theweather was not too muggy. Margaret was playingbrilliantly. All was right in her world.
One of Margaret's techniques for enjoying thegame was to golf only with women who played lessskillfully than she did and were easily intimidated.
She knew her caddy saw through her, but shedidn't care. He was the caddy everyone wanted, soshe paid triple in order to get him at her convenience. He was worth it. The money bought hisloyalty. When things went wrong, she blamed him.
So here was the dreaded seventeenth hole andall she needed was a bogey. Unfortunately, here toowas a troublesome serpentine water hazard. Sheroutinely selected her best balls for this hole, butthat never helped. Invariably she'd hook the ballbefore it cleared the water, and it would land in thetrees. Today was no different. With angry, imperious strides, she marched into the foliage, leavingbehind her the timid catcalls of the gals. "Meggie'sdone it again!"
As her caddy began to follow, she wavedhim off.
Yes, Margaret thought, I'll get out of it! Noway would she take a penalty.
To her dismay, she discovered her ball wedgedhopelessly in a clump of decaying turf. Withouthesitation, she kneeled to pick it up.
"Naughty, naughty," a strong baritone voicechastised.
Startled, Margaret turned her head to find apair of snappy argyle socks at her eye level. Shestood slowly, preparing her defense. When she sawwho the other golfer was, her expression turned tohappy surprise.
"Well, look who's here. I didn't know you belonged to our club."
Abruptly, he grabbed her, pulling her againsthim with one hand as he expertly shoved a hypodermic needle into a vein with the other. Momentslater, Margaret stopped struggling and sank downonto the dark and mossy rough.
Her last, dying thought was that she shouldhave used the three iron instead of a wood.
One parting shot was irresistible to the killer."Sorry I ruined your day, Meggie, but you shouldn'ttoy with a man's game."
I'm Still Here
N ever Trust Anyone Under Seventy-five! We
Take Care of Our Own." That's the motto of our brand-spanking-new Gladdy Gold Detective Agency. Because, if I've learned anything from the traumatic last two months, it's that once you are "old" you become invisible.
It opened my eyes to the fact that senior citizens had no representatives in the crime department. They were sitting ducks. No one cared. Who could they turn to when in trouble? Who was old enough to understand their problems? Me. If not me, who? If not now, when? Tempus was certainly fugiting. I was their only hope.
It all began when I realized someone was murdering the elderly widows of Lanai Gardens, Phase Two, Oakland Park Boulevard, Fort Lauderdale. Right in my own backyard. I did go to the police, and although Detective Morgan Langford was young and adorable, he treated me like I was faded wallpaper. He didn't believe me. There was no motive. The women were all over seventy-five, so naturally they must have died of old age. Besides, who'd want to kill old ladies? he asked me. The general attitude? We're all on the checkout line anyway.
Next page
