Nikau Tawera - Standing tall: the Tawera Nikau story

The second of my two seasons with Warrington wasnt proving a raging success, not in the English Super League at least. Wed pinned a lot on a run in the Challenge Cup to pick us up but on April 1, 2001 that faltered as well, which was probably to be expected. Playing the Bradford Bulls in any match is a mission. Put them in a Challenge Cup semifinal and it doesnt get any easier, but we didnt go too badly before being beaten 3922 at Huddersfields McAlpine Stadium.

Apart from the result, it was a decent weekend. We had good friends from Yorkshire staying with us and, when we all went out for dinner, some comments they made really struck me and stuck with me about how wonderful, lovely and bubbly Letitia was. They were right, too.

Thursday, April 5, 2001. Its another day in the life of a professional footballer and his family. Tymes at a school play, Heavens doing some homework and Letitias home after being out and about when I walk in the door from training.

Dont forget, I have to go and pick Tyme up after 6 pm from his production. Between the football commitments, family life goes on as usual.

Letitias banging on a bit. Something to do with one of the Warrington players wives having a go at her when she was in town today.

Like what? I ask.

She said you guys are just here for the money.

So why do you care what other people say? Its never bothered you before.

Its true, too.

Hell, we had dramas with people having a chip about this and that when we were in Castleford. There are always people around who dont mind having their say. I can never understand it but its the petty way some of them live their lives. Theyre not happy unless theyre making some bitchy comments and Letitia has fielded her share, let me tell you.

So, what are you worried about? Theyre just jealous. Whats the matter with you?

Im just sick of these people you dont care about me.

Dont be so bloody silly. Of course I care about you.

I say a few more things, so does Letitia. Its a disagreement. Not a big deal, just one of those silly flare-ups that happen. Still, Letitias not impressed so she walks out into the backyard to have a cigarette. It usually works. Calms her down, then she comes back and we start over again. Move on.

I turn the TV news on 6.15, have to leave at 6.30. After taking in a bit of the news, I head out the door to pick up Tyme but the light is on in the garage and I see Letitia in there. Hanging.

I rush in, grab her but I cant get her down. I find a hacksaw to cut the flex cord and scream to Heaven to call an ambulance. I give Letitia mouth-to-mouth for something like eight or 10 minutes. Nothing. Im freaking out. I cant believe whats happening. This just cant be true.

The ambulance arrives, more efforts to revive her. Still nothing. Soon Im at the hospital. There was no chance. Letitia had died on the way there.

PUBLISHED APRIL 6

The wife of Warrington Wolves forward Tawera Nikau died on Thursday night.

Letitia Mary, who would have had her 37th birthday later this month, was found hanging at her Warrington home. Warrington police, who were called to the familys home at 8 pm by paramedics, said a postmortem has taken place which confirmed death was by hanging.

Warrington Wolves Rugby League Club have issued a statement which reads: Warrington Wolves are deeply saddened by the loss of Letitia Nikau, who died last night. Our thoughts are with Tawera and the children Heaven and Tyme. There will be no further comment from Warrington Wolves at this time.

The coroners office has been informed of Letitias death and an inquest will be heard. The Nikau family came to Warrington when Tawera, who is aged 34, signed for the Wolves from Australian club Melbourne Storm after winning the grand final with them in 1999.

New Zealander Tawera had spent many years in Australia with his family. He had previously played for Cronulla Sharks after British spells with Sheffield, Ryedale-York and Castleford Tigers.

Tawera was due to play for Warrington against his former club Castleford at The Jungle on Saturday but his place in the squad will now be taken by new signing Gary Mercer.

I kept hearing the words our friends used to describe Letitia wonderful, lovely and bubbly. That was just four days earlier. Next thing she was dead. To this day and for days and years to come Ill never be able to figure out why. How do you? You cant and you shouldnt but when it happens you cant help it.

Ive never had a worse week in my life, not just coping with the awful reality of what had happened but dealing with the hospital, the police, the mortician and everything like that. I also needed to make arrangements to have Letitia taken home to Huntly, but the hardest part was dealing with the kids and how it affected them. I remember just sitting on the couch, the three of us, holding the kids and hugging them and crying. It was harrowing. Heaven was 12, Tyme eight. Theres no such thing as a good time but its a dreadful age for kids to lose their mother. For the kids and me those days and weeks were the hardest and darkest times.

Heaven wanted to see her mum so I took her to the morgue. She asked me whether shed be cold, because Letitia hated the cold. So we took a fur coat with us and put it over her.

Letitia had been through everything with me. She was my rock. My world was just broken totally shattered. Everything that Id believed in, everything that Id had with the children and my whole life was just gone. It had crumbled.

But I managed to find strength from somewhere within myself. I had to find it. I needed to for myself but most of all for the kids.

I still couldnt stop asking: Why? There was no sign she was depressed. It was just totally out of character. Everyone has their down times but Id never found Letitia to be a person who was like that. A lot of people asked whether she was clinically depressed and on medication. No, she wasnt.

Wed had arguments in the past that I would have classed as real arguments but not the last one. It was nothing too serious at all. Just a disagreement as far as I was concerned but it had led to this. I went over it in my mind, feeling bad about whatever I had said, asking myself why I didnt say something like, I understand what youre saying. Then again, she also knew the way I reacted in a situation like that. I hadnt done anything unusual at all and nor had she. But there was still so much soul-searching and guilt, especially guilt.

Shed always been such a good communicator but something had happened here, just snapped, because she always had a plan for anything she did. There was always a plan B or a backstop in place. If this doesnt work out, we can do this, she would say. But there was no sign of anything like that with what happened to her. There wasnt a note. Nothing.

There were some little things going on in her life but nothing that I would have thought was significant. Shed had a bit of a run-in with her parents, who had been over to stay at Christmas. Thered been a bit of an argument then, some sort of falling out and I suspect that might have had something to do with it.

But while I went over it and tried to find some order there were so many people around to help, most of all my cousin Marty (Martin Moana), who played for the Warriors in 1995 before heading to England to set up a long-term football career. He was there for us now. There were also other friends, lots of New Zealand people from around the area who were there to help. They all knew what its like to have a tangi and we needed that kind of support and understanding then.