Phillips - Overcoming conflict: how to deal with difficult people and situations

In the process of preparing for a seminar on conflict resolution I researched quite a few books dealing with conflict. One of the books was titled Resolving Conflict at Work . This was my first introduction to Kenneth Cloke.

I was impressed by many of Dr. Clokes thoughts on the subject of conflict. As a result, I signed up and attended his mediation training at the Center for Conflict Resolution in Santa Monica, California.

After preparing for and delivering an all-day seminar on conflict resolution I decided to write on the subject. When the manuscript was completed, I reviewed it and thought about various comments Dr. Cloke had shared in his writings and in his classes.

I then approached Dr. Cloke and asked for his permission to include them in this book. I also asked if he would be open to writing a foreword, which he most graciously granted.

Kenneth Cloke is a mediator, arbitrator, attorney, coach, consultant, and trainer. He has taught at the Southwestern University School of Law, Antioch University, Occidental College, USC, and UCLA. He has been involved in mediation work in 24 countries and is the president and cofounder of Mediators Beyond Borders. He has been an arbitrator and mediator for more than 28 years in labor management disputes and is a member of a number of arbitration panels.

I want to publically thank him for writing the foreword and letting me use his quotations, and for his service to mankind.

Bob Phillips

Note: Scripture verses in this section are quoted from the New International Version.

Forgiveness

Proverbs 19:11: A persons wisdom yields patience; it is to ones glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 24:17: Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice.

Proverbs 24:29: Do not say, Ill do to them as they have done to me; Ill pay them back for what they did.

Proverbs 25:21-22: If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.

Ecclesiastes 7:21-22: Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing youfor you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.

Matthew 5:7: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Matthew 5:39-42: I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.

Matthew 5:43-48: You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 6:12: Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Matthew 6:14-15: If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 18:21-22: Peter came to Jesus and asked, Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Mark 11:25: When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Luke 6:27-37: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Luke 11:4: Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.

Luke 17:3-4: If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying I repent, you must forgive them.

Romans 12:14-16: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another.

Romans 12:17-21: Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for Gods wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

1 Corinthians 4:12-13: We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly.

Ephesians 4:32: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Colossians 3:13-14: Bear with each other and forgive one another whatever if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

1 Peter 3:9-11: Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it.

Love

Proverbs 10:12: Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.

Proverbs 15:17: Better a small serving of vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred.

Proverbs 17:9: Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

John 13:34-35: A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

John 15:12-14: Jesus said, My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down ones life for ones friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.

John 15:17: Jesus said, This is my command: Love each other.