Rosalie Puiman - The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution: How to Thoughtfully Handle Difficult Situations, Conversations, and Personalities

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First Adams Media trade paperback edition November 2019

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DEDICATION

To Eiso, who always sees the best in me, even in our most difficult conversations.

To Julia Jacques of Adams Media I am profoundly grateful for trusting me, my writing, and my thoughts on mindful conflict resolution. You saw the author in me. Thank you for bringing this dream into reality.

To my editor Laura Daly I offer my deep gratitude and admiration. Without you it would have been so much harder to make this book what it now is. Thank you for making this such a smooth process and for your words of encouragement and support. A big thanks also to everyone else on the awesome Adams Media team for their talent and creativity, and their hard work behind the scenes.

I am grateful to the many teachers and mentors who supported the conception of the ideas in this book, both in real life and through their books and videos. I specifically want to mention Alan Seale, who introduced me to the power of transformational presence in such a profound way.

To my private clients I want to express deep gratitude for their trust in me. Thank you for helping me bring mindful conflict resolution into form. Your openness and your willingness to learn and explore have been an immense inspiration to me.

I want to thank Martin Dooms, founder of Intermin, the organization that gave me my first job as a young government manager, for his belief in me. I had one of my first really difficult work conversations with you, and your utter acceptance of my side of the story and your appreciation for me speaking my truth have encouraged me to start showing more of myself at work.

I want to thank Kim Taylor, Astrid van Dijk, Maaike Pieters, Cristel Loeb, Aryeh Loeb, Sander Verhoeckx, and Eveline van der Burgh for seeing and loving me in my truth and for cheering me on, every step I take in the direction of my highest potential. I am blessed to have people like you surrounding me.

To Safka Overweel, who has been my friend since we were five years old and who lived through everything with me, I want to say thank you, love, for all the years your friendship has supported me. Nothing I wrote in the chapter on friendships comes from our relationship, as we dont seem to need difficult conversation to constantly deepen our friendship. Thank you for being my friend always.

To my family, both those who are still with me and those who have crossed over, I am deeply grateful for your support and love. Thank you for being in my corner always. And for your impeccable taste in musical guilty pleasures.

To my sister, Liselot Puiman, who is also one of my best friends: I am so grateful for having you in my life. It is beautiful to be able to walk this path with you, to know that you always understand where I come from and where Im going. Your strength, talent, and deep love are an inspiration to me. I love you, babe!

I am deeply, deeply grateful to my mother, Lilian Withagen. Thank you, Mama, for always lifting me up: for carrying me whenever I needed carrying, for believing in me, for seeing me, for raising me, for loving me. Also, thank you for always being practical and for offering concrete help whenever you feel I need itthe most recent example being this book, which so greatly benefited from your hours of meticulous dedication. I love you so much!

To Eiso Vaandrager, my husband, my beloved: Thank you, my love, for your unwavering support throughout the process of writing this bookfor holding me, for cheering me on, and for making me laugh. Also, I am so grateful for your rock-solid presence next to me through all the years of intense empirical research into difficult conversations, speaking my truth, and growing into myself. Thank you for exploring with me what it means to interconnect. You taught me that being able to have an honest, openhearted disagreement means you are loved more, not less. I see you, and I love you so.

To my daughter, Bodil, and my son, Armin: Darlings, thank you for choosing me to be your mama. Thank you for your candor and for allowing me to learn so much. Thank you for always being your true selves. I love you both to the moon and back.

Finally, I thank you, the reader of this book. Thank you for deciding that it is time to change the way you disagree with people. I hope The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution will support you in expressing everything that needs to be said, while building a stronger connection to yourself and the other person.

Difficult conversations are an unavoidable part of everyday life. Whether its your colleague failing to deliver her part of your joint project, your father stopping by unannounced after hed agreed not to, or you and your partner having a disagreement, conflicts big and small can arise in any part of your life.

If youre like most people, these conflicts led to feelings of dread, sadness, annoyance, or fear. You might have tried to avoid facing the problem altogether or dug in your heels and refused to compromise. Maybe after the fight you felt regret, or hoped that in a future argument, things might become easier or betterbut the same pattern just repeats itself.

What if you could approach difficult situations in a more thoughtful, kinder, and more constructive way?

What if you could go from reacting (thanks to old experiences and lingering pain) to responding to what is in front of you right now?

What if you could let go of anger, regret, disappointment, resentment, and fear and instead focus on creating a deeper connection with the other party?

What if you could move past worrying about whos winning or losing to finding solutions that both sides can appreciate and support?

You can do all of these things and more with mindful conflict resolution. In mindful conflict resolution, you pay attention to only the present moment, with an attitude of curiosity, openness, and acceptance. You change the endgame from the pointless winner versus loser mentality to one where both parties can be right at the same time. The techniques in this book will empower you to build such a strong connection to yourself that you forgo angry and painful reactions and opt for mindful responses instead.