Deborah Smith Pegues - Confronting Without Offending: Positive and Practical Steps to Resolving Conflict

I appreciate the reminder that it is possible to confront without offending. Deborah Pegues deals with this subject with an authority that is the result of extensive study and research. At the same time, the book is clear, easy to understand, and practical.

BISHOP CHARLES E. BLAKE,

Presiding Bishop of the International

Churches of God in Christ

We will experience conflict in our lives, but few of us know what to do about it. Some of us try to control situations with angry outbursts, and some ignore festering problems in hopes they will go away. Deborah Pegues shows us how to manage conflict in a practical way without offending others. We all need this book!

FLORENCE LITTAUER,

International speaker and

author of PERSONALITY PLUS

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Verses marked NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189 USA. All rights reserved.

Verses marked NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Verses marked KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Verses marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

Cover by Koechel Peterson & Associates, Inc., Minneapolis, Minnesota

CONFRONTING WITHOUT OFFENDING

Copyright 2009 by Deborah Smith Pegues

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Pegues, Deborah Smith, 1950-

Confronting without offending / Deborah Smith Pegues.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-7369-2149-7 (pbk.)

1. Conflict managementReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

BV4597.53.C58P43 2009

248.4dc22

2008038742

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America

09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 / BP-SK / 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

This book is dedicated to the memory of Dr. H. Marvin Smith and his wife, Dr. Juanita Smith, former pastors of the West Adams Foursquare Church in Los Angeles, California.

As my spiritual mentors and cheerleaders, they were a model of generosity, faithfulness, forgiveness, and love. I am eternally grateful to God for allowing me the privilege of sitting under their ministry and witnessing real saints firsthand.

Thanks to all of my family and friends for their prayers, their conflict stories, and their suggestions that made the writing of this book possible. I am especially grateful to Harold and Ruth Kelley who encouraged me and shared their mountain retreat to create a perfect writing environment.

I also want to thank Pastor Edward Smith of the Zoe Christian Fellowship of Whittier, California, for his courage and commitment to teaching biblical principles of conflict management, and for using the earlier version of this book as a resource.

I am eternally grateful for my husband, Darnell Pegues, whose technical, emotional, and spiritual support were key to my completing this work.

I had it all planned. It wasnt a really big deal, but I knew that my husband, Darnell, would be pleasantly surprised when he saw how I had improved his workspace in our home office. He had talked about how inefficient it was for some time now.

Today wasnt the ideal time to break away from my writing schedule since my manuscript was due in a couple of days. But I had driven across town at the height of Los Angeles rush hour to pick up a piece of custom glass that would complete the project. I had called his office and his cell phone several times to determine how much time I had to complete the surprise. He had not returned my calls. That was a little strange. He always calls back within minutes unless hes in a meeting.

I decided to call him on his cell phone when I knew for sure he would be en route home. Still no answer.

Now I was getting concerned. Has there been an accident? Is he okay? After what seemed an eternity, I heard him pull into the driveway. When I peeked out, I could see that he was talking on his cell phone. He proceeded to talk for another 45 minutes while remaining in the car.

Now I was getting angry! My imagination was running wild. Why doesnt he come in and call the person on the house phone? (After all, reception is very poor in our hilly area.) Does he not want me to know whos on the call? Why hasnt he called me back in the last two hours?

Well, he didnt have a clue that he was in such hot water. He finally came inside and explained that he had been talking to a close relative who was experiencing myriad distressing problems and that he had counseled and prayed with her. Yes, he had seen my calls pop up on his phone, but he couldnt find an opportune time to interrupt the conversation.

While I was familiar with and sympathetic to the situation, I was still upset. He had consciously put someone elses needs ahead of mine. That just doesnt happen in our householdalmost 30 years of a good marriage attest (by the grace of God) to our having the right priorities toward each other. Teaching couples to put their spouses firstafter God, of coursehas been our soapbox.

Im supposed to be your top priority, and I couldve been stranded somewhere, I said, trying to hide my anger and trying to employ the principles of conflict management Ive taught over the past 30 years. Besides, I had planned the evening to allow only enough time to watch him be surprised with the office changes and to hear about his day and to tell him about minethen back to writing. Now, I was more than an hour behind my schedule! He apologized profusely and was bewildered that I wasnt proud that he had invested so much time ministering to someone.

The next morning when we joined hands for our daily prayer of agreement, I prayed, Lord, help me to release Darnell from this offense and to not allow a root of bitterness to form in me. When we finished praying, I said, I was still smarting over that incident yesterday. I just wanted to pull the covers off Satan and expose his strategy to sow discord in our marriage.

After this confession, I felt our harmony was restored. Despite his hectic schedule that day, he called several times to show me that I was indeed his top priority. It became the joke of the day.

Every offense has the potential to cause a permanent breach in a relationship.

But strife is no laughing matter. Perhaps youve fantasized about a relationship environment in your life where everyone flowed in total harmonycompletely free of offenses and interpersonal conflict. Wake up! Youre dreaming. Its time to deal with Reality 101. Problems and conflict are a fact of life.