Robert Leahy - The jealousy cure: learn to trust, overcome possessiveness and save your relationship

Within this book, Robert Leahy, a renowned world leader in our field, illuminates the complex burdens of this universal emotion of jealousy within a love relationship. He then points the way out of this tumultuous storm of thoughts and feelings by offering clear, specific, and practical steps. This is by far the best self-help book for people with jealousy that I have ever read.

Reid Wilson, PhD, author of Stopping the Noise in Your Head

Do you have a jealousy problem? Does it interfere with your relationship? Are you consumed with jealous thoughts and jealous feelings? Do you wish you could decrease your suffering? If so, you need this book! Robert Leahy clearly expresses why we feel jealous, he normalizes this intense experience, and he explains how our emotions and our thinking get highjacked. Then he details what to do. He teaches the reader how to detach from jealous thoughts and disengage from unhelpful behavior. He offers tools for coping with jealousy and various strategies to solve problems that it causes in relationships. The Jealousy Cure will help individuals who suffer from jealousy and those who are in relationships with jealous partners. As a stand-alone book or an accompaniment to therapy, The Jealousy Cure is very well written and quite interesting (even if you dont have a jealousy problem). Most of all, it provides essential skills for couples who need to improve their relationships.

Judith S. Beck, PhD, president of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy

In The Jealousy Cure, Robert Leahy has provided the reader with a comprehensive understanding of jealousy. Leahy, through interactive, fun exercises, helps the reader identify and understand their jealousy. Based on the tried-and-true principles of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), Leahy then equips the reader to address their jealousy so that problematic behaviors and tormenting thoughts and feelings can be reduced. This highly informative and valuable resource will be an essential resource to both those in clinical practice and individuals struggling with jealously.

Leslie Sokol, PhD, coauthor of Think Confident, Be Confident; Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens; and The Think Confident, Be Confident Workbook for Teens

In his latest book, Robert Leahyacclaimed psychologist and author of The Worry Cureoffers a creative and penetrating, yet hopeful, perspective on jealousy; one of the most misunderstood and highly destructive human emotions. Based on decades of psychotherapy experience and a unique adaptation of the cognitive behavioral approach to emotion, this well-researched, thought-provoking, and practical therapeutic manual provides valuable strategies that can liberate those inflicted with the self-defeating effects of pathological jealousy. Couples caught up in the jealousy vortex will discover wise counsel offered with sensitivity and compassion, making this a must-read for those seeking answers for tormented intimate partners.

David A. Clark, PhD, LPsych, professor emeritus at the University of New Brunswick, Canada; author of The Anxious Thoughts Workbook; and coauthor of The Anxiety and Worry Workbook

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2018 by Robert L. Leahy

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Adult Attachment Scale is copyright 1996 by Nancy L. Collins. Adapted with permission of the American Psychiatric Association. N. L. Collins, Working Models of Attachment: Implications for Explanation, Emotion, and Behavior, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 71, no. 4 (1996): 810.

Cover design by Amy Shoup

Acquired by Ryan Buresh

Edited by Jennifer Holder

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

Notes 231

Ever since Freud began to explore the psychological implications of Darwins discoveries, we have been forced to recognize that evolution set us up with some rather unpleasant dark sides. The history of humanity can be seen as a constant struggle between our capacity for violence and our potential for compassion. At the root of our most basic motivations is the issue of the survival and reproduction of our genes. Interpersonal competition is also in that mix, whether for resources or access to sexual (reproductive) opportunities. Out of these central conflicts arise a range of motivational processes, from narcissistic and psychopathic self-focused competitiveness to tribalism, prejudice, envy, andthe subject of this bookjealousy.

In pioneering work over many years, Dr. Robert Leahy has sought to marry an in-depth understanding of the evolutionary and social origins of our darker sides with our capacity to become more mindful of them and, ultimately, to take responsibility for them. As we become more aware of what drives us, we can become more invested in holding ourselves accountable for our behavior. This is clearly one of the core aims of this exceptional and important book.

Dr. Leahy shows us clearly how jealousy overlaps with and differs from envy. Envy occurs when we feel somebody or some group has more than we do, and we want what they have. Hostile forms of envy can lead us to destroy what others have, while beneficent forms of envy can lead us to imitate others and strive to become better. Jealousy, on the other hand, involves the competition among three or more people for the attention and positive dispositions of at least one of them. It is typically linked to sexual relationships, but not always so. Jealousy and envy overlap in their tendency to motivate hostile behavior toward their object, even to the point of wanting to harm and destroy othershence the famous vow, If I cant have it, nobody will.

The roots of jealousy can be seen in many other species, particularly in the behaviors called mate guarding, where individuals (mostly but not always males) try to both prevent others access to those they are guarding and induce fear in those guarded. Indeed, the induction of fear is very common as a jealous tactic; in the Old Testament, at least, God was regarded as a jealous God capable of bringing untold miseries on those who would defect or disobey. The motto Dont leave or else underpins the threats of the jealous one.

Its not difficult to see that jealousy can be one of the greatest destroyers of compassionate relations; in the place of love, jealousy instills anger. Jealousy can power all kinds of relational conflicts, from passive-aggression all the way through to domestic violence and murder. Jealousy often sits behind stalking behavior, and it can motivate vengeance when the object of ones desires chooses another. In the end, jealousy is often the thing that drives away the person one most desires. And like many emotions in the anger family, jealousy also has a habit of justifying itself.

In The Jealousy Cure, Dr. Leahy brings his considerable experience as a clinician to this oft-neglected personal and relational tragedy. He provides deep insights into jealousys source as well as what we can do about it. If you suffer from problems of jealousy, this book will help you recognize that you are far from alone, that you are experiencing the urges and pain of jealousy precisely because the human brainyour brainhas made it possible.