Ted L. Nancy - Letters from a Nut

M y first contact with Mr. Ted Nancy was the night of August 30, 1995. I went to a friends house to watch the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon, which I watch every year. There were a few other people there, and as we were enjoying the program, I noticed a handful of letters sitting on the coffee table. I read one, and then another, and then another. I began to laugh out loud at the letters, and just as much at the responses from the various businesses and corporations that followed each one. Then I started reading the letters to my friends, and the next thing I know, the whole room was laughing and having a wonderful time. I stopped reading only when Jerry Lewis sang When You Walk Through a Storm. I never miss that part every year. Its one of my favorite things.

Anyway, one thing I know as a comedian is that its very rare for people to laugh out loud at television or the printed word even though they may be enjoying it very much. But the people in that den were really laughing. Believe me, I know laughs, and these were real big show business laughs. I thought, I dont know what this is, but its some pretty powerful stuff.

There was just one strange thing. There was this one fellow in the room who just kind of nodded approvingly as each letter was read. He didnt seem irritated, nor did he seem particularly impressed. He was just sort of sitting back, taking the whole thing in.

I have learned over the years how when funny people see their work appreciated, its something like when parents watch their children playing. They may not be involved, but theres this detached pride in the joy that they feel indirectly responsible for. That was the look on that mans face that night. I guess I didnt realize it at the time, but I am convinced to this day that that man was the real Ted L. Nancy.

When I left, I asked the host if I could borrow the letters. I didnt know what I was going to do with them. I think I really just wanted to read them again. So I took them home, and over the next couple of weeks, read them again to various people I know whose senses of humor have been rigorously developed to professional strength.

I must, by the way, mention if you should find yourself in possession of this book, one of the great joys of it is definitely reading the letters out loud. And always be careful to point out when something is in parentheses. The careful use of the parenthetical phrase is my favorite aspect of the Ted Nancy writing style.

Anyway, everyones reaction was the same as the night of the telethon. You cannot not laugh at these letters. So I called my friend, whose house it was, and asked him if he could get any more of the letters. He said, Sure, theres lots more. Then I called my literary agent, Dan Strone of the William Morris Agency, an extremely charming and well dressed man and, more importantly, one of the smartest guys in show business. I said, Dan, I have a bunch of letters here that I think could be some kind of book if you could get enough of them. So Dan got an outfit together and a lunch was arranged.

I had now taken on the role of a Clark Kent figure. I may not have been Superman himself, but it became known that I was able to contact him. There wasnt much else I had to do after that. When you give something good to Dan Strone, its like handing the ball off to Gale Sayers. You just know its going places.

As far as Ted L. Nancy himself goes, Im really still pretty much in the dark about him. From his Vegas shrimp costume to his dog play, Cinnamon, A Life in Progress, to his lost bag of otter hair, its hard to figure out whats driving this guy. I will say that Ted L. Nancy definitely possesses many of the qualities I consider essential for a good life. He enjoys the simple things, like fine busboy service, Bon Ami cleanser, and steamboats. He is extremely courteous and complimentary to his correspondents and will go to any length to find a kind word to say. You make great horseradish sauce, he writes the Excalibur hotel.

On the other hand, he does not travel well or easily. Always requiring special arrangements or permission to be made in advance for his various costumes, furniture, draperies, and vending machines. Mr. Nancy is also apparently a gifted and versatile live performer, offering many types of freak and celebrity impersonations. Unfortunately, the shows are inevitably derailed by poor advance booking commitments.

I guess I would like to say that in many ways Ted Nancy is a lot like you and me. We all have peculiar problems and often have to deal with faceless strangers to resolve them. But its just not true. Ted Nancy is not like you and me. Nobody has problems like this guy. Nobody travels with a Prussian military sword and then loses it. Nobody is writing fan letters to Max Schmeling. Nobody is going to hotels asking if they can wet the bed and bring their own ice machines. And nobody, but nobody, is in contact with a real African king trying to locate his girlfriends lost mail.

But this guy is. And I knew from the beginning that I had to do everything I could to let as many people as possible read the hilarious truth about what has been going on inside the mailbox of Ted L. Nancy, whoever he may be.

Jerry Seinfeld

September 1996

MANAGER

RITZ CARLTON HOTEL

160 East Pearson Street

Chicago, Ill. 60611

Dear Sir:

I wanted to know if you possibly found a Prussian military sword that I think I may have left in your hotel restaurant the night of Saturday, July 7th? I was in your mens room when I loosened the sword to go to the restroom.

I am with a traveling group and was in costume the night I used your restroom. When I was washing my hands I noticed that your paper towel rack was empty. With wet hands I went over to a stall to get some tissue (Your hand dryer was not working!)

I had to loosen my trousers to use the facility. In doing so I loosened the sword (actually took it off) and somehow forgot to put it back on when I pulled my trousers up again. Thats how I think the sword may be in your restroom.

The sword is a standard size sword in a jewled (fake) encrusted sheath. The sheath is crushed velvet (also fake). It was on a sword belt, size 36. It has no value other than as part of a costume I wear.

Please contact me at the following address:

Ted L. Nancy

560 N. Moorpark Rd #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Thank you very much for your help in this matter, Ritz Carlton.

P.S. You have great sea bass!

Dear Sir:

Upon receiving your letter on 17JULY95, the Security Department started investigating your loss of the Prussian Military Sword.

Sir, the Security Department is sorry to inform you that we were unable to locate your sword.

Sir, if you have any questions or further information, please give me a call at 1 (312) 266-1000 Ext#4040. I would be happy to assist you.