Melanie Dale - Calm the H*ck Down: How to Let Go and Lighten Up About Parenting

Advance Praise for CALM the H*CK DOWN

Humor and sarcasm are two characteristics that I hold most dear in a person and Melanie Dale delivers in large quantities. She says the things that we all think but arent sure we should say out loud and the pay-off is a hilarious, real look at parenthood.

Melanie Shankle, New York Times bestselling author and speaker

Calm the H*ck Down is such a refreshing book that gives parents permission to do just that: CALM DOWN. Not only is it a joy to read, with wit and humor infused in every chapter, giving us the Thank Heaven I am not the only parent whos thought THAT! feeling but it offers tips and tricks to replace bent behaviors we often use in panic and frustration.

Candace Payne, author, teacher, podcaster

A delight for any parent who needs a good laugh, Calm the H*ck Down rivals the next comedy special in your Netflix queue. Do yourself a favorskip the show and buy this book instead. I promise youll laugh just as hard and walk away with some parenting tips that are actually useful. Calm the H*ck Down is the permission slip youve been waiting for.

Ashlee Gadd, founder of Coffee + Crumbs

I dont like parenting books. Am I allowed to say that in an endorsement for a parenting book? But [Calm the H*ck Down] is not only hilarious. This book is practical, touching at times, and oh-so-reassuring. If theres anything we need as parents, its for someone to sidle up alongside us, put their arm around our shoulder, and simply say, Yeah, I feel that way, too. Melanie is the parenting companion we all need.

Shawn Smucker, author of The Day the Angels Fell

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Copyright 2020 by Melanie Dale

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Atria Paperback edition December 2020

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Interior design by Kyoko Watanabe

Cover design by Laywan Kwan

Cover photograph by Getty Images

Author photograph Rachel Ronne

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020947304

ISBN 978-1-9821-1436-7

ISBN 978-1-9821-1437-4 (ebook)

To Mom and Dad.

This parenting gig is harder than you made it look.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The Fly

This is a terrible idea. This book is a broken promise because I told people I wouldnt write a parenting book. I promised profusely it would never happen. We are a mess over here. I like to win awards and achieve stuff so I think I can safely say that I am The Number One Worst Mom ever to write a parenting book. Somebody, give me a trophy. Arent you excited? You will feel so good about yourself when youre done with this thing.

I hate parenting books. Its not their fault. Its me. Every time I see a parenting book, I think it doesnt apply to me because they dont know my kids or the disturbing cesspool of my shriveled heart. I am the worst, and that shiny book could not possibly understand how truly hideous I am at this job, which seems to come so effortlessly to even the basest of human beings. Stop judging me, Book, with your easy-to-apply tips and promises that Ill never yell again and that my children will rise up and call me blessed. No, they wont. I just asked them.

I feel threatened by most parenting books, not because they arent written by fabulous parents but because I feel like theyre only applicable to rainbow-pooping unicorns who have zero issues. Thats probably not true, but I dedicate plenty of side-eye for most parenting websites and books that want to help me with my problems. I cant tell you about the specific things my kids are dealing with because thats their business, but in case your first response to my call to lighten up is to think, If you only knew my life and what my kids were like or That author can suck it, let me assure you that youre in good company. In addition to all the typical stuff that comes with raising humans, we have quite a bit going on in the doctors, therapists, and labels department around here. I spend a large amount of my parenting time at school meetings, therapy, doctor appointments, and waiting in line at the pharmacy, and sometimes venturing out into the world can feel almost unbearable.

The other day my husband, Alex, was like, How can you write a book about calming down and lightening up? Look at us! Do we seem calm?

And I shot back, Are you kidding me? Its because Im practicing what I preach that Im still here, that I can get up and face these shenanigans every day and keep going. If I wasnt learning how to lighten up about every aspect of parenting, I wouldve left a long time ago. We are where we are precisely because Im learning to let go of what doesnt matter and calm the heck down.

So, if you have some hard stuff going on in your home, solidarity. We do, too, and I dont just mean my kid got a B+. Because they can tell their own stories someday and dont need me airing the nitty gritty of their lives, this book isnt an expos about all my kids stuff. Its about me parenting them. If your kid doesnt fit the mold, if your kid is atypical, or mentally ill, or physically ill, if the needs are obvious for all to see or hidden beneath the surface, youre welcome here.

I am tapping this out on my phone while sitting at tumbling practice because somewhere along the way I became a cheer mom. Im also an adoptive mom, an in vitro mom, a swim mom, soccer mom, lacrosse mom, mom of a teenager, mom of some tweenagers, special needs mom, and probably a deranged mom.

I have three kids. People like to compare parenting to basketball. If you grow from two kids to three, they say, Youve gone from man-to-man to zone. I love March Madness as much as any girl from Kentucky, but this metaphor doesnt quite work, because even if you do have a partner, how often are you both on the court at the same time? I liken parenting more to juggling. You start with a ball, or two if its twinsies, and you toss it up and down for a while until it feels doable. Then maybe you add a ball. Then another. With each ball you add, it gets more complicated, but you eventually adjust. You add a new variable, a flaming baton or maybe a chainsaw, then you adjust to that, too. If you have a partner, when youre together, you develop a funky routine tossing the balls back and forth. If you have enough balls, you might draw a crowd. Wow, you guys are really good at this. Like, Harlem Globetrotters good. And at the point you get cocky, someone points a tennis ball machine at your face and pummels you with balls until youre in the fetal position on the ground begging for mercy.