Michelle Icard - Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

Acknowledgments

Thank you to everyone who helped me during the writing process, especially:

Quinn Davidson, who helps me run the business behind the book, for defying a job title because you do it all, and for taking on even more so I could write uninterrupted. This ship stays afloat because of you. You are the Leader of Loyalty and I feel grateful every day to work with you.

Anna Sproul-Latimer, my literary agent, for believing in this project from the beginning, for being my pop culture soulmate, and for taking me with you to Neon where I love being intimidated by all the cool, smart, edgy kids at your lunch table, and still cant believe you patted the seat next to you and said you saved me a space.

Marnie Cochran, my editor at Harmony, for saying yes so enthusiastically to my proposal, for replying to my emails with lightning fast speed, for having a New England sensibility that makes me feel right at home, and for having wicked smart answers to my questions.

Betsy Thorpe, my longtime editor extraordinaire, for being an enthusiastic cheerleader, for knowing and nurturing my voice, and for convincing me Im funny when I dont believe it. I trust your feedback implicitly.

Jill Dykes, my publicist, for knowing the best tricks of the trade, for always seeing the hook, for making my NYC and TV dreams come true, and for being an all-around delight of a person.

Members of Less Stressed Middle School Parents, my private Facebook group, for being a huge part of my daily motivation, for being a fun part of my daily procrastination, and for spending your valuable time talking with me, and each other, about the joys and challenges of raising adolescents.

Erin Mills and Wendy-Marie Norwood, for coming to my home on alternate days to take dictation when I was too dizzy to type, and to the team of doctors who made their jobs obsolete by figuring out how to make me better.

Drs. Kristin Daley, Dawn OMalley, Melissa Miller, and Amanda McGough for being brilliant psychologists and for letting me consult with you so often on these topics.

Drs. Trish Hutchison and Melisa Holmes, cofounders of Girlology, for your friendship and insight into raising young people with healthy ideas about bodies, sex, and sexuality.

And last but most, thank you to the other three members of the core four, Travis, Ella, and Declan, for being the best people I know, fixers of all things broken, masters of comedic timing, indulgers of list-making, loyal walking companions, brave adventurers, fanatic binge watchers, extremely reluctant followers of the Dirty Dishes System, and professional pep talkers. I am grateful for your support and so proud of our family.

ALSO BY MICHELLE ICARD

Middle School Makeover: Improving the Way You and Your Child Experience the Middle School Years

About the Author

MICHELLE ICARD is an internationally known speaker, author, and educator who helps kids, parents, and teachers navigate the complicated social world of early adolescence. The author of Middle School Makeover: Improving the Way You and Your Child Experience the Middle School Years, Michelle is also a member of the Today show parenting team and NBC News Learn. Her work has been featured in The Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, CNN, Time, and People magazine. Her middle school leadership programs, Athenas Path and Heros Pursuit, have been implemented at schools across the country and she speaks around the globe at schools and parenting events. She lives in Charlotte, North Carolina, with her husband, Travis, and her children, Ella and Declan.

Now What?

At the beginning of this book, I described your experience reading this as a kind of Choose Your Own Adventure. Now that youre done reading, I hope youll take that to heart again as you consider the days and years ahead. The later years of high school are when teens settle into more comfortable friendships, identify new activities they find interesting, get jobs, engage in more community events, and begin to plan seriously for independence. Theyll talk with you about these things, if youve shown yourself to be nonjudgmental, supportive of their decision making, and interested in their thoughts.

Some things to keep in mind as you venture forward:

Perfect, as they say, is the enemy of good. When my children were little and they spilled water on their shirt or accidentally knocked over a block tower, I taught them to shrug and repeat a mantra wed all do well to say more often: Oh, well!

Did your child only make it through half a conversation before they walked out on you? Oh, well!

Did you hope your child would open up more, but they only gave one-word answers? Oh, well!

Did you expect to be better at this, then found yourself sounding robotic or unable to find the right words? Oh, well!

These conversations are not a test you or your child need to pass. They are a practice, and much like the practice of yoga, force is the enemy of progress. Take pride in baby steps. Allow your relationship to gradually and comfortably bend to a new shape. One day, without realizing exactly when it happened, youll realize youve begun having good conversations together. Just keep talking, and more importantly, keep listening.

In the meantime, tune your ear inward, too. As your child begins to prioritize people and interests outside of you, its time for you to start listening to your own needs and wishes. Rediscover old hobbies or new interests. Connect with your friends or partner. Pay attention to the things you enjoy outside of being a parent. Think of all the fun things youll have to talk about.

Finally, if youve enjoyed what you read here, we can continue our conversation, too. You can find me in my private Facebook group, Less Stressed Middle School Parents, or on my public page, Author Michelle Icard. I hope to see you there.

APPENDIX
SMALL TALK CONVERSATION STARTERS

Getting to know someone better through small talk can be a fun, productive, and meaningful way to forge closer ties. Below are questions and conversation prompts you can use to have quick, entertaining, and sometimes revelatory chats with your kids. In addition to the fun prompts, Ive also included a section on preferences. As you prepare for your changing parent-child dynamic, it will be helpful to reestablish preferences around handling conflicts, emotions, and expectations.

Parent to Child:

Given where we live, what do you think will be your first job?

If you were giving a tour of your school to a new student, what part of the school would impress them and what part would you just skip?

What do your friends like about coming to our house and what do you like about going to theirs?

Which song would most kids get hyped up for if it came blaring over the loudspeaker during lunch?

Child to Parent:

What was your first job? What was your worst job?

What was your best subject in high school? And/or what was your college major and why did you pick it?

What is something cool you did before I was born?

What is something your parents could have done better? What is something they did well?

Parent to Child and Child to Parent:

If you could spend time with anyone outside of our family, who would it be?

What is something that makes you laugh, but probably shouldnt?

What are you the best at in our family?

What do you wish your friends would do more of?

If you suddenly had a free day tomorrow with zero responsibilities, what would you do?

Whats your least favorite chore?

What was the most recent scary thing you saw on TV or read in a book?