Stacey June - Single Pringle Stop Wishing Away Your Single Life and Learn to Flourish Solo.

Published in 2021 by Murdoch Books, an imprint of Allen & Unwin

Copyright Stacey June

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.

Murdoch Books Australia

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Phone: +61 (0)2 8425 0100

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Murdoch Books UK

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A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 76052 574 3 Australia

ISBN 978 1 91163 285 6 UK

eISBN 978 1 76106 157 8

Cover design by Emily ONeill

Text design and typesetting by Susanne Geppert

To the curious girls who want to wipe their slates clean.

I admire you.

I am you. x

Contents

I want to get married, but I dont want to marry him.

I was sitting across from my cousin in a caf in the heart of Melbourne on a chilly, rainy day, discussing my current relationship.

Through my tears, I continued. I cant. Its too toxic. So theres no other option, right? If I want to get married, I have to leave him.

She laughed. Well, thats one reason.

It was time. After years of dillydallying about whether I should stay or go, I finally broke it off and was collected by my best mate that very night to try to figure out what was next. Finally, it was about me, me, me and not about him, him, him or us, us, us. I was terrified.

Relationships are among the first goals we are taught to strive for, so being on my own felt like failure. My life felt like a broken vase that I had to put back together, only I couldnt find all the pieces. I worked through all-time lows, a terrible lack of self-confidence and self-worth and serious bouts of depression and anxiety. I was struggling with my newly single status and had no experience being alone and no real-life examples of older single women living happy single lives. I felt ashamed to admit that I was anxious solo, as modern feminism and the female empowerment movement screamed that single women can have it all. Single women were lucky and vibrant and strong. But I didnt feel like that. The loneliness, the idea of loneliness and the fear of feeling lonely, even before I actually felt it, was all-consuming.

Slowly, I found ways to mix things up. It helped to focus on what I could control rather than what I couldnt. I wanted fulfilment in other parts of my life as my heart healed so I focused on my work. I was working in radio at the time and I worked hard to make the shift from behind the microphone to in front of it; finally, after two years of free radio shows and demos, I landed a breakfast show in Far North Queensland. Breakfast radio hours were gruelling and some of the topics that Cairns radio demanded were challenging (another croc sighting, anyone?) so I created a way to thrive in this new environment. I started a passion project, a podcast called The Thinkergirls. Here I was able to discuss the very issues I was experiencing with my co-host Kristie, who became a wonderful friend and source of support. We allowed ourselves to be vulnerable, sharing our deepest, darkest concerns, and we flourished, building a community and becoming one of Australias most popular podcasts. I worked incredibly hard at this new business venture. We branched out to video content and live shows and our audience grew with us, staying loyal to me to this day. (Hola posse!)

However, an audience and a successful podcast doesnt always equal commercial success in the very unequal radio industry. It was rare at this time (still is) to have two women host commercial radio or TV shows, and we got knockback after knockback. It was six years of working on The Thinkergirls before we eventually landed a national radio show. Our new show focused on women and topics that werent yet being discussed in mainstream media, such as identity struggles, broken hearts (like mine), our bodies and our lives. We opened up and shared many of our own stories on air, and I often found myself struggling with the same issues my community was. I shared my struggle with anxiety and how it sometimes impacted my day-to-day life. How I found it hard to go to wedding after wedding in my late twenties/early thirties and have not a single relationship prospect on the go. I also shared how unnerving it was to wake up one morning after being out the night before and not be sure whether or not I had taken out my tampon. The conversations were varied!

The success of the show was the first big sign that my efforts at changing my life were paying off. We interviewed rock stars like Katy Perry about feminism, politicians about marriage equality and leading medical specialists about endometriosis and mental health. We were making waves in the media industry and our following grew and grew.

I began to earn good money. I had my own place, an exciting business, and a grand ol following. I filled my life with so much. And yet I was still so uncomfortable being on my own. I was still struggling with anxiety and low self-worth. And my sex life? Lets just say it was more about the momentary thrill of hooking up than any actual satisfaction.

I remember going out one night and having so much fun with friends on the dance floor but the night wasnt complete without finding someone to go home with. You could sense it in the room as soon as 2 a.m. hit, the ooze of desperation. But desperation for what? An orgasm? No, I was doing fine on my own with those. A companion? Well, no. I was certain that after 3 a.m., any decent conversations were out the window.

There was a certain fear for me, and for my friends. My friend was pashing a fellow in a dance circle next to me and I noticed his friend was cheery and talkative. So there was my option. Go home with the random friend of a friend my friend was casually hooking up with. (Thats a mouthful!) Or home alone? We all feared being alone. That 2 a.m. desperation was rarely about a guy; it was about avoiding my solo self. So as my girlfriend left with his friend, I went home to his house and had the most boring, unenthused, awkwardly-slow-almost-stagnant sex of my life. I felt more alone leaving his house than I had originally.

No guy was going to fill this ache. So I went deeper.

After struggling with this for a while, I found distracting myself with work wasnt going to create any comfort in my single self, nor were casual hook-ups. I decided to concentrate on my mental health, with a goal to be more comfortable on my own.

I began travelling solo, studying course after course, reading books, working with healers, working with different modalities like kinesiology and naturopathy, going on clichd (but still rewarding) trips to India and Bali and doing so much yoga that I ended up studying to become a teacher. I worked intensely with a psychiatrist on trauma and family dynamics, so much so that for a few years I really distanced myself from certain friends and members of my family to negotiate new, more comfortable boundaries.