Xavier Amador - Being Single in a Couples World: How to Be Happily Single While Looking for Love

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FIRESIDE

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New York, NY 10020

www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright 1998 by Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

First Fireside Edition 1999

F IRESIDE and colophon are trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.

Designed by Jenny Dossin

The Library of Congress has cataloged the Free Press edition as follows:

Amador, Xavier Francisco.

Being single in a couples world : how to be happily single while looking for love / Xavier Amador, Judith Kiersky.

p. cm.

1. Single peopleUnited StatesPsychology. 2. Single peopleUnited StatesAttitudes. 3. Interpersonal relationsUnited States. I. Kiersky, Judith. II. Title.

HQ800.4.U6A63 1998

646.7'0086'52dc21

97-44090

CIP

ISBN 0-684-84349-8

ISBN 0-684-8523 5-7 (Pbk)

ISBN 978-1-4391-1862-7 (eBook)

: Better Days by Bruce Springsteen. Copyright by Bruce Springsteen. Reprinted by Permission.

: By James Henke from Rolling Stone, August 6, 1992. By Straight Arrow Publishers, Inc. 1992. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted by Permission.

To Susan Arellano, with gratitude

T he idea to write this book came to me during a time in my life when I was single. I have to admit that for a couple of years I was very unhappy about being single. I was in my early thirties and never married. I felt like a failure. I felt out of place with my married friends and relatives and increasingly worried, with each disappointing blind date, that I would end up all alone. Sometimes, I was certain that the problem lay with the women I was meeting. But most of the time I thought something must be wrong with me. I felt abnormal.

Despite feeling this way, I knew for a fact that I was not unique. Most of the single people I knew had been plagued by similar doubts and feelings of alienation at one time or another. No, I was not so unusual. This point was driven home in my experience conducting psychotherapy with single patients who had many of the same feelings, often in spades. I started a journey of personal discovery back then and I must admit that I learned much from my patients that I could apply to my own life. I hope that my honesty is reassuring to you rather than unsettling. Like a cardiologist who is vulnerable to the same heart disease that his patients suffer, I learned from my patients success how best to preserve my own happiness.

By the end of this period of self-examination, I had learned why I was unhappy, the truth about why I was single, and in the process I became much happier and more open to love. It was at this point that the idea to write Being Single in a Couples World first came to me.

Excited by the prospect of writing a book for and about single people, I bounced the idea off several friends. But to my surprise, I got two very different types of responses. For example, one friend responded, But theres a million books about single people. Hasnt it all been done before? She was referring to the overabundance of books that focus on telling single people what theyre doing wrong in an effort to help them cure themselves of being single. These books are not about being single. They are about getting married. The books my friend was referring to actually worsen the same problems I planned to help solve in my book because they focus on marriage as the only means by which you can feel better about yourself. In doing so, they help to make the experience of being single an unhappy one and promote marriage for all the wrong reasons. Another friend, who is also a psychotherapist, understood my idea immediately, saying, I know so many people who will feel relieved just to know that one other person understands how it feels to be single and living in a world of couples! That friend is my coauthor, Judith Kiersky.

Although its true that Being Single in a Couples World will help in your quest to find a partner in life, it is at its core a book about being single. Whether its for a month, a year, or decades, being single can be a wonderful and fulfilling time in your life. But only if you understand and counter the forces at work that can make you feel bad about it. I know I can speak for Judith too when I say that this book was a labor of love. Too often, we have seen people feel bad about themselves, pessimistic about their prospects for love, and out of step with the culture because they didnt really understand the reason they were single. To make the problem worse, they were subscribing to outdated notions about what it means to be a single man or woman today. In this book, you will learn that you are in very good company. Whether you have never before been married, or find yourself single again after a divorce or death of a spouse, you are not alone. And, more important, you are not abnormal! But more than likely, you have never questioned some ideas you have held your entire life that are now causing you to feel bad about being single. Being clear about why you are single and more at peace with who you are will not only make you happier, but also more open to love. Our message is one of hope, not resignation.

There are many people whom I want to thank for their help with the researching and writing of this book. I interviewed over forty single people over the past two years who gave not only of their time, but also of their hearts. Without their stories this book could not have been written. My patients whose courage to be curious about themselves, to question beliefs they have held for a lifetime, also provided much of the material for many of the stories in this book. Their willingness to take risks in order to better themselves is a constant source of inspiration. Thus, you will read about many of the people I have worked with in therapy over the past fifteen years; the names have been changed and the stories altered to protect their privacy. You will learn much from them that you can use in your own life.

I wanted to write this book with Judith because she knows the territory from both a professional and a personal perspective. She is as passionate about addressing the problems that single people face as I am. Over the course of our friendship she has taught me much about myself for which I am very grateful. We had several debates while writing this book, not the least of which was what the title should be. In fact, there were so many different discussions of what this book should be called that we could have written a second book on the interpersonal dynamics between coauthors and their editor, publisher, friends, and family. Everyone had an opinion. We didnt know the answer until the book was nearly finished. Our collaboration has worked in exactly that way. I want to thank her for her perseverance, empathy, and insights.