Kristen M. Oaks - A Single Voice

Acknowledgments

Thisbook took a lifetime to live and six years to put on paper. I wish to thank themany people who inspired and contributed to its contents. Only a few are namedhere.

For stories, wisdom, and quotations I am grateful toBrittany H. Anderson, Julie B. Beck, Donna Lee Bowen Barnes, Laurie Beardall,Ed Borrell, Emily Brooks, Linda Charney, Debbie J. Christensen, Carol Clark,Linda Doyle, Elizabeth Duran, Marjorie Gerratt, Jan Hemming, Marjorie P.Hinckley (deceased), Ann G. Hyde, Vicky Javids, Jill Jones (deceased), KathyKinney, Suzan Lake, Cathryn Manning, Bonnie Parkin, Allyn Rogers, ChristineSkelton, Susan Sterzer, Kris Stone, Stephanie Tanner, Shari Taylor, PatriceTew, Wendy Ulrich, and Annie Vernon. Their words of wisdom provided depth andclarity to the principles taught.

To all those who worked with the Young Single Adults andguided me: Marcia Bean, Daryl and Hank Hoole, and Russell Skousen. I appreciateyour insights and understanding.

To the many young women who gathered around my table andshared their feelings and experience I give special thanks: Linda MarieBeitler, Britni Brewer Bigelow, Jennifer Elggren Van Orden, Rene Greenburg,Tali May, Nicole Parker, Angela Shields, Jocelyn Sparks, and RebeccaWhitney.

I am also grateful for the noble and valiant influence ofsisters: Veronica Bertone, Margot Butler, Jenny Cuthbert, Dini Hansma, DianeHigginson, Susan Jensen, Barbara Lockhart, Veronica Manantan, Ccile Pelous, Stella H. Oaks, Lennie Pilabello, Lucille Sargent, LindaSuda, Edna Suda, Abbie Telliani, and Lea Tesaluna.

To readers and editors for their opinions and help: MelissaBeck, Jan Liad, Kristen Olsen, Emily Snyder, Sidni Taylor, and Ann MarieToone.

To my visiting teachers, who encouraged me: Lia Davis andJoAnn Nelson.

To my family, whose input and ideas and support were ofgreat help: TruAnn Boulter, Margot Dixon, Jean Ekins, Amanda M. Holbrook, Sarah Thompson Johnson, Portia Mandel, Linda Lundgren, MargaretP. McMain, William A. McMain, Evelyn O. Moody, Dallin D. Oaks, Kristie Oaks,Lucy R. Park, Kate M. Park, Heather P. Ward, Sharmon O. Ward, and StephaniWard Steelman.

To Margie McKnight for her choice additions and constantmaking of copies.

To Jim McKean and Dave Madsen, who kept our computerfunctioning.

To dear Jana Erickson, who helped me keep going, and toSuzanne Brady for her understanding heart, meticulous editing abilities,and spiritual vision. To Richard Erickson, art director, for a beautiful coverand layout, and to Tonya-Rae Facemyer and Rachael Ward for theirprofessional typography.

I give extra special thanks to Sharon Pritchett and Mary Kay Stout for the many hours of editing and shared ideas and to my husband, whowas my cheerleader, editor, support, and best friend.

Introduction

I have a vested interest in single adultsbecause I spent so much of my life as a single woman. My name is KristenMeredith McMain Oaks. I married Elder Dallin H. Oaks when I was almostfifty-three years old, long after everyone in my family had given uphope I would ever marry anyone. My sisters told me after our marriage that theyhad believed all marriage opportunities had passed me by. What did not pass meby, however, were the wonderful years I spent as a single woman and an active memberof The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I rejoiced duringthese years, and I suffered through them, too, while I was discovering whatHeavenly Father wanted for meHe was blessing me with adequatetime and experience to build a solid and sure testimony.

Being alone is never easy, but being single in The Church ofJesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a unique challenge because ourChurch is a family-centered Church. We live to be with our familieseternally.

The message of the Restoration of the gospel of JesusChrist blesses families. Because of the Restoration we understand Gods purpose for families: The divine plan of happiness enables familyrelationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances andcovenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to returnto the presence of God and for families to be united eternally(The Family: AProclamation to the World, Ensign,Nov. 1995, 102).

When you know your eternal purpose, nothing is morefrustrating or disheartening than being unable to achieve it. I prayed andwished and begged the Lord for an eternal family. I wept and wasted time andmourned for such a family. I ultimately realized that I had to begin to live tohave such a family, that everything I did as a single woman would dramaticallyinfluence the blessings I hoped so deeply to receive. The Lord was always therefor me. He supplied direction and comfort and revelation, and He protected me.For that I am eternally thankful. Every one of us, married or single, mustprepare individually to return to our Heavenly Father.

I am writing this book for those who are currently makingtheir lifes journey alonesingle, divorced, or widowed. I didnot learn everything about single life, but I learned enough to share. Isometimes learned more than I wished to about being alone, about waiting forblessings, about using time, and about trusting in my Heavenly Father. Idiscovered that the journey could be just as hard or as easy as we determine itto be. In retrospect, I see that the purpose of my journey was to cultivatefaith and to develop personal testimony.

Faith is trust. Faith in God is trust in God, and thatincludes trust in His timing. My favorite teaching on that subject was given bymy husband a year after our marriage. The setting was a meeting withmissionaries in Manaus, in the rubber-rich jungles of northernBrazil. Pushing aside his prepared notes, Elder Oaks followed the Spirit inteaching the missionaries that they could not plan their lives. Afterward, hesat down beside me, surprised even at himself, and whispered, I wonder why Isaid that. We came to understand all too well the following week, on September11, 2001, as we ate our breakfast bowls of cornflakes and watched thedestruction of the World Trade Center towers and the attack on the Pentagon.Our world would never again be as certain or secure. It became a world where,to keep composure and direction, we needed to trust even more completely in ourHeavenly Father.

Elder Oaks refined and repeated his talk on timing in aBrigham Young University devotional six months later. Key paragraphs from thattalk are quoted here:

In all the important decisions in our lives, what is mostimportant is to do the rightthing. Of almost equal importance is to do the right thing at the right time. Peoplewho do the right thing at the wrong time can be frustrated and ineffective.They can even be confused about whether they made the right choice when whatwas wrong was not their choice but their timing.

My first point on the subject of timing is that the Lordhas His own timetable. My words are sure and shall not fail, the Lord taughtthe early elders of this dispensation. But, He continued, all things mustcome to pass in their time (D&C 64:3132).