Stubbs MD - Playing Without a Partner A Singles Guide to Sex, Dating, and Happiness

CHAPTER 1:

RETHINKING SINGLE LIFE

L earning how to have fulfilling sexual encounters as a single personwhether engaging with brand new partners or relying on self-love to meet your needsstarts with learning to live a fulfilled single life in general. To achieve satisfying sexual encounters as single people, we first need to lay the foundations that will allow us to feel embodied and solid in our own single skin. The more empowered we feel in our daily lives, the more empowered well feel in sexual situations. So here in the early chapters of this book, well discuss ways to build those foundations by reducing stress, improving body image, and broadening our strategies for getting our needs met.

HOW TO NOT LEAD A FULFILLING SINGLE LIFE

Before we discuss how we singles can begin to reframe our experiences, overcome societal judgments, and learn to find joy in our current situations, lets take a look at some of the most common ways in which singles often undermine their own happiness and power. Its okay if you find yourself nodding your head in agreement with some of these behaviors. This isnt to call you out! Its to shine a light on the patterns youve been living with, and to teach you how to shift out of them and unlock the happiness you deserve.

Compare Yourself to Others

Theres a well-known saying, commonly attributed to Theodore Roosevelt, that Comparison is the thief of joy, and that couldnt be truer. If you think youve fallen behind your peer group, lamenting that you dont have a life like Stephanies, youre going to make yourself miserable. Everyones journey looks different, and there is no set timeline for when life events have to happen.

Worry About Your Timeline

When is it going to happen to meee?! Im sure many of us had a preconceived idea of how our life would turn out. I really think it started with all of those MASH games we played on the playground. Truth be told, Im glad Im not living in a shack with Michael B, our nine kids, and a truck.

Should is a really loaded word. We can have an idea in our mind of how things should be, but ultimately, our own timeline unfolds at its own pace. I feel like there is so much pressure to have everything figured out by the time youre twenty-five, and that is so unrealistic. The fear of aging touches aspects beyond dating, prompting questions like: Will I still be attractive? Will my eggs still be good? What about my sex drive? Omg is that a grey hair?!

As you try to appreciate what you have here and now, you always have to keep this in the front of your mind: Someone elses journey is not yours. Their timeline has its own pace, with its own ups and downs. You can look at them for inspiration, but their timeline doesnt make your timeline less valid or important. There are no shoulds when it comes to relationships.

Obsess Over What Could Go Wrong

Hey! Stop that. Start to think about what youre able to control and what youre not. Constantly wondering if things are about to fall to shit can put a damper on your mental state. Always being on edge, waiting for the shoe to drop, can also be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have to take things as they come, because you wont always get to choose how they come.

Expect Everything and Give Nothing

We arent owed anything in this life. We are what we make of our lives. I am a firm believer in the idea that what you put out, you get back. If you do good, good will come back to you.

SELF-DECLARATION: HEAR ME ROAR

The world likes to put people into neat little rows, designations, and categories. Even though those descriptors may not be accurate representations of how you see yourself, society at large will classify you whether you like it or not. Sure, many of these labels arent inherently bad, but there are some that can be limiting, demeaning, or harmful. For many, single is a glaring label that is often at the forefront of their description. Is that how you want to be viewed first?

Grab a piece of paper and write down who you are with the labels of your choice. Then, write down the labels that society has placed on you.

Dont know where to begin? Write down how your best friend would describe you. Thinking about yourself from their point of view can help you avoid the self-critical bias that we all carry and help you craft a more accurate and thoughtful description.

Compare your self-identified labels to what society thinks of you. Do they differ? Is there anything unexpected?

The important thing to remember is that you get to define who you are. Your self-identified labels are the ones that matter. Over time, as you keep expressing the truth of who you are and how the world should see you, others will follow your lead. This exercise can be repeated as you go through different seasons in life. Note how some things change and some things stay the same.

FREEDOMS AS A SINGLE PERSON

There are many benefits to being single, but one of the most highly valued benefits is the innate freedom that comes with this lifestyle. So, as you start to rethink your single life, appreciating the many freedoms you enjoy is a great way to start!

Flirt with abandon: As a single person, you have the opportunity to flirt whenever the chance arises. Especially if its reciprocated, a little flirting can boost your confidence or be the gateway to something more.

Save money: You dont have to spend money on anyone but you! Or on you and your children, if you have kids. Also, you dont have to check in with anyone else about that big purchase you want to make.

Self-reliant: You can build a resiliency that might not have been available to you if you were partnered. Maybe you learn a new skill, like changing a sink faucet!

Sleep across the entire bed: I mean, is this not one of lifes little pleasures? You arent relegated to one side of the bed. This totally does not apply if you share your bed with a dog because you know that you get a sliver while they get the main share.

In a related benefit, you dont have to listen to anyone snoring in your ear at night. (Same canine exception applies.)

Wild nights: When was the last time you raged all night and didnt have to worry about being home by a certain time? Or what if the urge to bake bread struck you at 11:00 p.m.? You can do both and more! You dont have to worry about hurting someones feelings or waking someone up with your kitchen activities.

You own the remote: You never have to compromise on what you want to watch.

First dates: You get to experience first dates! While this might not seem like a benefit, who doesnt love a little mystery? Even if it turns out to just be a nice date and not a relationship that progresses any further, first dates are filled with possibility!

Journal prompt: Why are you happy youre single? Why are you unhappy youre single?

FRIENDSHIPS AND BOUNDARIES

Just because were single does not mean that we traverse this life alone. Family and friends are just as important as romantic partners. Friends and family can provide the amazing companionship, support, love, and adventure that you may not currently have with a partner. In fact, single people have the time and freedom to invest deeply in their relationships with their friends and family, meaning that these bonds can be incredibly strong. So whenever you feel alone, remember to recognize all that you have in terms of quality relationships already.

But as you take stock of your friendships, remember that it is important that youre surrounding yourself with people who build you up. Sometimes we can seem like easy targets because we are alone, and people feel free to treat us in a harsher way. Here are some things to watch out for if you find yourself shying away from your support system.

Are you not receiving support from your current group of friends? Do you find yourself dreading an event or night out with them, always thinking of creative excuses to not go? Do you feel drained after being with them? Do you find the relationships to be one-sidedas if youre putting in more energy and effort than you ever get back? You may need some new friends!