Susan Page - If Im So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

If Im So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

Susan Page

Copyright

If Im So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?
Copyright 1998, 2002, 2013 by Susan Page
Cover art, special contents, and Electronic Edition 2013 by RosettaBooks LLC

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

Cover jacket design by Alexia Garaventa
ISBN e-Pub edition: 9780795334474

Dedicated with deepest love and affection
to my parents, Edwin and Helen Hammock

From the earliest stages of this project, I have received unswerving encouragement and support from Carolyn Hittleman, Roseanne Packard, Jean Keeshin, and Susana Valadez. Nancy Peterson showed me how to get started; Roland Tapp was the first editor to give me a green light; and Sybil Baker offered advice and hand-holding at a difficult moment.

I am grateful to Kathleen McCleary and Linda Solomon for their contributions to this second edition.

Malcolm Lubliner took such a personal interest in this book that I came to view him as a consultant. His perspicacity improved many passages.

As my running partner, Diane Blacker couldnt escape hearing the daily ups and downs of struggling with a manuscript. Her suggestions and encouragement were invaluable.

All of the following people read at least a portion of the manuscript at one or another of its many stages, and made valuable suggestions, which I have included in the final text: Lorraine Bahrick, Loren Cole, Bonnie Davis, Lucy Fine, Paul Hammock, Carol Hyland, Dorothy Kruse, Paul Ramshaw, Janet Roach, Peter Schattner, and Dorothy Wall.

Clive Cazes, Craig Comstock, Judye Hess, Coille Hooven, John McKenzie, Gertrude Schattner, Paul Schulze, Martin Schwartz, Diane Singer, Joyce Snapp, and Bonnie Weiss have also made noteworthy contributions.

The publishing industry is a formidable labyrinth. Standing at various dark corners with a welcome lantern were Harriett Blacker, David Cole, and Michael McTwigan. I will be forever grateful to Arthur Oilman for introducing me to my literary agent.

Glenna Goulet typed early versions of the manuscript and was a pleasure to work with. Elizabeth Adjan gave an extra measure of devotion at a critical time. And Mary Strads is everything a writer wants in a typist. Shes the modern-day elf who took my messy straw and, quickly and cheerfully, turned it into gold.

This book is the culmination of a lifetime of learning, and I see my debt to my teachers on every page. These people bring love and skill to their task, do their work, and then move on, but not without profoundly changing the people whose lives they touch. I have had the good fortune to work with Michael Conant, Abe Levitsky, Jim Simkin, Mari Krieger, and Eliana Gil.

My in-laws, Florence and David Shacter, and my parents, Edwin and Helen Hammock, are among the few people who never offered the advice so many of my friends kindly gave: Susan, dont you think you ought to go back to work? Not only that, but they came through at our most destitute moments with the kind of support that pays the rent. Iquite literallycould not have finished the book without their help, for which I am deeply appreciative.

Every writer should be lucky enough to have a literary agent like Sandra Dijkstra. She made critical contributions to the manuscript, and is gifted at every aspect of her craft. If I am the mother of this book, Sandra is its loving nanny! It is also a great pleasure to thank my editor at Viking, Mindy Werner, who was willing to take quite a risk on an unknown writer. I am grateful for her confidence in me and for her outstanding skill in doctoring the manuscript. A big thank you also to Linda Loewenthal, editor of the revised edition, and her assistant, Cara Brozenich. Both of them are brilliant at what they do.

Finally, to my extraordinary husband, Mayer, and my loyal son, Gabe, I owe my deepest gratitude. Not only did Mayer believe in me, even when I lost faith in myself, he willingly gave the toughest type of support: living on the financial edge. Its okay, he would tell me. We have riches of our own, the kind that matter. Gabe found those riches much less appealing, but he stuck by me, too. Thanks, guys. I love you.

When I started writing this book, I was still single. Recently, my husband and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary, spending three zany days in Las Vegas. But I still work with singles, and Im here to say, in twenty years, not much has changed.

Singles are still ambivalent about what they want. Dating is still awkward. People still blame society, the opposite sex, and fate for their involuntary single status.

And still, I receive letters and emails by the droves from singles for whom the ideas in this book are refreshingly new. It is now 2 A.M. and I cant decide whether to keep reading or to write you right away! I feel as if Im on a high, one woman wrote. And another, Already there have been positive changes in my life as a result of this book. Usually I give my books away. Not this one. Its mine!

The best news is that I have known or been witness to hundreds of single men and women who have found true love and have been building their lives together happily for many years. The man whose story I tell in these pages who rejected a lovely woman because she had bony hands just celebrated his tenth anniversary with a woman who adores him. The two are as happy together as any two people Ive known. Another friend fell in love with her perfect match after seven years of passionate devotion to the strategies I outline here. Love does happen to singles all the time, even after years of being alone.

A few changes since I wrote this book are worth mentioning.

Its hard to believe that just a few years ago, the cutting-edge trend in society was androgyny: Men and women are not different after all! Women can be left-brain, effective, and task-oriented. Men can be right brain, emotionally available, and receptive. Not only can we be more alike, we should work toward this.

Now, the widespread acknowledgment that men and women grew up on different planets and must work to understand each others subtle propensitieswhich are in fact quite different from each otherhas helped many of us to better accept and work with the opposite sex.

Of course another big change since I wrote this book is the addition of the Internet and e-mail to the relationship strategies widely used by singles who are looking for love. The Internet has helped to mitigate the excuse singles used to be so fond of: There is just no good way to meet people. Surprisingly though, I still hear this excuse all the time in singles workshops, and Chapter Three, which discusses it, is still necessary.

After all these years, I remain an intimacy advocate. I believe none of us knows enough to be pessimistic; that bright, shining news might always be around the very next corner. I have studied and written about couples who thrive, and I see that they are happy, not because they got luckier than all the rest of us when they found each other, but because they passionately desire and believe in their happiness. They do not dwell on their problems and differences but instead approach every situation with a spirit of good will. These are strategies all of us can learn. So in spite of the inescapable bad press relationships receive and the pervasive negativity that surrounds marriage in our culture, I believe relationships and love are what everything else in life is about. My deepest passion is helping people free themselves from whatever is keeping them from love, and especially from a deep, pleasurable and nurturing bond with another special person.