Jenny Taitz - How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate

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A DVANCE P RAISE FOR
How to Be Single and Happy

Jenny Taitz offers a skillful guide to uncovering your strength and contentment as an individual, allowing you to live more fully. Using engaging case studies and solid research, How to Be Single and Happy invites new insights into the stories we tell ourselves about relationships. This book is a gift for anyone who longs for real happiness.

S HARON S ALZBERG, bestselling author of Lovingkindness and Real Love

You dont need to wait to find your partner to find happiness. Drawing on a wealth of evidence and experience as a therapist, Jenny Taitz has written a book thats as uplifting as it is practical.

A DAM G RANT, New York Times bestselling author of Give and Take , Originals , and Option B (with Sheryl Sandberg)

What if, instead of treating the unprecedented rise of single people as a crisis, we all searched for ways to make going solo easier, more social, even happy? In her clinical work, and now, in this excellent book, Jenny Taitz has done pioneering work to help people achieve more fulfilling relationships regardless of their marital status. I recommend strongly.

E RIC K LINENBERG, professor of sociology, New York University; New York Times bestselling author of Going Solo and Modern Romance (with Aziz Ansari)

At the heart of this honest and engaging book is a key insightnamely that our emotions are sometimes but not always helpful. And when emotions are not helpfulsuch as when were in the grip of anxiety about being alone foreverDr. Taitz shows us how we can use scientifically documented methods for freeing ourselves from their painful grip. If youre suffering in your quest for the Right One (or miserable from being with the Wrong One), this book is a must-read!

J AMES G ROSS, P H. D ., professor of psychology, Stanford University

How to Be Single and Happy is an excellent guide to living your life now rather than waiting for the perfect partner. Dr. Taitz has written a powerful and practical guide based on the best scientific research and self-help tools to free you from the myth that only married people can be happy. With a personal and engaging style, Dr. Taitz gives you the tools to living a full life as a single person. I will recommend this wonderful book to anyone who thinks that being single is something to escape from.

R OBERT L . L EAHY , P H .D., author of The Jealousy Cure

We all yearn for connection and belonging, but our minds get in the way, pulling us into rumination, worry, judgment, and other soul killers. This wise and compassionate volume helps us reconnect with our values and bring them into our hearts and our relationships with others. This book is for you if you think it is time to set aside loneliness and not good enough, and to let go of what if... and if only. This book is for you if you think it is time to live.

S TEVEN C . H AYES, co-developer of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT); author of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

375 Hudson Street

New York, New York 10014

Copyright 2018 by Jennifer L. Taitz

Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

TarcherPerigee with tp colophon is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Taitz, Jennifer L., author.

Title: How to be single and happy : science-based strategies for keeping your sanity while looking for a soul mate / Jenny Taitz.

Description: First Edition. | New York : TarcherPerigee, 2018. | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017037238| ISBN 9780143130994 (paperback) | ISBN 9781524704810 (E-book)

Subjects: LCSH: Self-actualization (Psychology) | Single peoplePsychology.

| Happiness. | BISAC: SELF-HELP / Personal Growth / Happiness. | PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations.

Classification: LCC BF637.S4 T395 2018 | DDC 155.6/42dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017037238

All names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Neither the publisher nor the author is engaged in rendering professional advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for consulting with your physician. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestion in this book.

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

Cover design: Victoria Black

Version_1

For my mother,
Dr. Jo Seletz, the strongest and most independent woman I know

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Lonely, Loony, and Me

I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.

H AFIZ

D ON T YOU KNOW about the singles crisis? There literally arent enough eligible men for women, Rachel explained, reaching for a tissue as she sat on my therapy couch, in a trendy hat. Ironically, given her single status, and her articulated negative feelings about it, she worked in the wedding planning industry. Im thirty-four and the only person in my group of friends who is still single, she continued, tears welling up. And now my hair is falling out because of a hormone thing. (Her hair looked lovely to me, falling nicely around her face from under her beanie.) Obviously, stress isnt helping. But now its definiteIll never meet someone. And, if I do, Ill just be settling. The good ones are all gone.

She was sure she was a hopeless case, as she made perfectly clear in our first meeting. I never thought Id be in this situation. Stupid antidepressants wont fix my life and Im not really sure what you can do for me, she concluded, in soft, funereal tones.

Clearly, my new client was in mourning.

What happens when you worry continuously about ending up alone, the way Rachel does? The answer is that you actually lose your mindor rather, your ability to think clearly. One of my favorite social psychologists, Roy Baumeister, has studied the effects of what he calls anticipated aloneness, or imagining what it would be like to end up alone in life, and the experience of feeling rejected. As the author of more than five hundred papers, Baumeister is a leading expert on the very human need to belong as well as on self-regulation, or the science of managing emotions. He and his colleagues typically create experimental situations to tease apart exactly how feelings affect us. In one of his noteworthy experiments, his team gave subjects a baseline IQ test, followed by a personality test, after which they informed the participants that based on their responses, it seemed likely that they would end up alone. Ouch. After that harsh news, they were asked to retake the same test, and their performance suffered. As Baumeister puts it: The prospect of social exclusion reduced peoples capacity for intelligent thought. In other words, imagining that you will end up alone affects your ability to contemplate anything in a rational way, which makes it tough to cope with the tests that will inevitably arise in your life.

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