Sheva Rajaee - Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships

Sheva Rajaee has written an important book that fills a gaping hole on the topic of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD). For anyone struggling with obsessive doubt about whether or not youre with the One, this book offers information and tools to help you find more peace, freedom, and love.

Sheryl Paul , author of The Wisdom of Anxiety and The Conscious Bride

Sheva Rajaee masterfully debunks the myth of the One, which plagues individuals with ROCD, taking the reader through current research on the etiology, maintenance, and treatment of this increasingly problematic anxiety disorder. She provides sufferers with clear steps to confront their anxiety in the service of enhancing ones relationship satisfaction with demonstrable, meaningful, and lasting results.

Jayson L. Mystkowski, PhD, A-CBT , founder, director, and licensed clinical psychologist at Cognitive Behavior Health Partners in Los Angeles, CA; and associate clinical professor of psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles

Sheva Rajaee masterfully dissects the myth of the One while providing guidance on how to live in the uncertainty of a myth-free world. She explains the trickery of ROCD with the kind of empathy and understanding only possible through lived experience. This book will ignite your anxiety while teaching you how to control the flame. And we are all better off for it.

Allison Raskin , podcaster, mental health advocate, and best-selling coauthor of I Hate Everyone But You

Reading Relationship OCD feels like talking with an intimate friend, a compassionate and knowledgeable therapist, a trusted confessor, and a loved partner all in one. Rajaee weaves together neuroscience, philosophy, and psychology to address some of the toughest issues in our private lives. Love and doubt, shame and longing, fear and hopetheyre all in this highly readable book, and always with complete sensitivity and expert knowledge.

Eli R. Lebowitz , associate professor in the Yale Child Study Center, and author of Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD

The condition of OCD has many subsets which continue to perplex the clinical population, as well as many mental health professionals. This book provides valuable information and guidelines for managing this extremely misunderstood facet of OCD. Many persons who might otherwise be misdiagnosed or misunderstood now have a resource to educate themselves and others about this illusive condition.

Steven Phillipson, PhD , world-renowned expert in the treatment and understanding of OCD, and owner and clinical director of the Center for Cognitive-Behavioral Psychotherapy for twenty-five years

A well-written, extremely practical step-by-step guide to overcoming ROCD. Sheva achieves the difficult task of combining cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and exposure therapy into a cohesive and easy-to-use approach. Highly recommended, both for those who suffer from ROCD and therapists who work with them.

Russ Harris , author of The Happiness Trap and ACT Made Simple

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

No people named in this book reflect actual clients. The stories presented here are amalgamations.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS is a registered trademark of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Copyright 2022 by Sheeva Rajaee

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Daniel; Acquired by Ryan Buresh; Edited by Brady Kahn

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Rajaee, Sheva, author.

Title: Relationship OCD : a CBT-based guide to move beyond obsessive doubt, anxiety, and fear of commitment in romantic relationships / by Sheva Rajaee.

Description: Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, Inc., [2022] | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021036237 | ISBN 9781684037919 (trade paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: Commitment (Psychology) | Intimacy (Psychology) | Interpersonal relations | Anxiety. | Obsessive-compulsive disorder. | Cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Classification: LCC BF619 .R35 2022 | DDC 158.2--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021036237

Without a shadow of a doubt,

For J.M.R.

Contents

Introduction

Lila, a thirty-year-old marketing director, is getting married in just two months. And so far, all she knows for certain is that shes absolutely terrified to take the next step. She nervously fidgets on the denim blue couch in my office as she wonders aloud, Is it even fair to stand in front of him and his entire family and say yes when Im having all these doubts? I mean, Im just supposed to know, arent I? I resist the gnawing urge to jump in and try to save her from the pain shes feeling today, a pain Ive seen hundreds of times before. Instead, I readjust in my chair and wait as she continues, Of course, the hard part is that hes actually amazing. Ive never been treated better in my entire life! We laugh all the time, share similar values, and really care about each other. Hes exactly the kind of partner I would have hoped for. But I dont always have that feeling, you know what I mean?

I know exactly what Lila means and, my guess is, so do you. She is about to make one of the biggest commitments of her life, and she would like to be absolutely certain that she isnt making a mistake. She would like to have that feeling, the one she was promised she would feel one day, an indicator she has found the right person. She would like to have reassurance that, in committing to this person, she wont ever feel regret or hurt or find herself falling in love with someone else. She would like certainty that, out of all the millions of options in the world, the person she has chosen will fulfill her, excite her, challenge her, and love her, no matter what, until the end of time. In short, Lila is asking me how she can possibly move forward when her reality doesnt match up with the love story she was promised.

We all know the story; its practically imprinted on us since birth. Girl meets Boy (its usually just that binary), and they have instant chemistry, an undeniable attraction. Hes the man she always dreamed of, the dashing knight who takes away her pain and completes her so that she wants for nothing. She is his soul mate, the woman hes waited for all his life, who accepts him unconditionally and knows exactly what he needs without his ever needing to express it. Together, they live in perfect harmony, craving nothing and no one else in life because they have one another. Two perfect children and an impossibly large (and somehow affordable) home follow suit as they grow old together, nestled by the cozy fireside of their love. Boy and Girl have found The One, their souls counterpoint in another. We look on and think, Those two figured it out! They really are the lucky ones

Now consider the thousands of ways youve been told this story, what well call the Myth of the One. Have you ever heard it described as a myth, which honors some level of fantasy and untruth? More likely you understood it to be a fact of life. Consider then how you grew up to expect some version of this story in your adult relationships, and perhaps how disappointed you might have felt to discover it wasnt quite as easy as you had hoped it would be to find this particular brand of love. The Myth of the One, which Ill refer to in this book by the shorthand form MOTO, sounds like this: If only you find the right one, the right person, all your pain and suffering will vanish, and youll live happily ever after. You wont need to work too hard on your relationship, because it will feel natural and easy! Youll just know it when you feel it, and if you dont feel it, youre probably settling.