Harvey - Sons to Men: A Mothers Guide

So why should you listen to me, a mother just like you? What can I say that experts havent?

A good question and one that was asked at a secondary school meeting where I was describing the Mothers Raising Boys course that I teach and suggesting the school subsidize it for their mothers. I had explained the course contents, given examples of results and handed out brochures. A woman from the Board with a neat blonde bob and tailored suit asked:

What have you got behind you enabling you to teach the course?

Feeling as if I was about to repeat myself, I thought about saying, I have faith in the desire women have to be great mothers to their sons.

I wanted to say, Nothing, Ive got nothing behind me because Im tired of how we women measure each other against invisible standards. Beautiful women come to see me who are racked with guilt and stretched beyond words mothering teenagers, juggling work and budgets, struggling to meet other peoples expectations of who they think they ought to be.

Then I realized I actually mustve said Ive got nothing behind me out loud because the woman in the suit squirmed in her seat.

So I said to her, If you are wondering if Im a psychologist, Im notI have trouble spelling it! I am a mother of four boys and we all survived because I learnt something very important and I want to share that with other women who have sons.

She wasnt happy with that answer. Her energy bristled. She said, Yes, thats all very good, but what have you got behind you?

I repeated the list that was on the brochure she held:

Diploma in Early Childhood Education

Diploma in Life Coaching

Facilitation training

Non-violent communication training

Now Im studying extramurally towards a degree in adult learning through Massey University.

Silence

I looked directly back at her and recalled the times I used to feel intimidated by professional-looking people like her who asked what I did, when I was a mother to my boys, a homemaker and cut scrub in my spare time. I am no longer that intimidated woman. I am all grown up and I know what I value. My boys educated me as much as I did them.

She remained silent and unmoved, so I then said, Oh and I ran my own business for six years, employed 12 women, won the Business Excellence Award for service and Im also a Business Mentor for Business Mentors New Zealand.

Her eyes widened and she relaxed and smiled.

We have been trained to value money and status.

Mothering provides neither.

As a mother you may look out at the world that your son will enter as a man and wish it was different. You may see your community, your husband, your son and want them to change in some way so you can feel better. At some point in our lives we eventually realize that we are the fulcrum around which outward change manifests. As we change ourselves through the transformation of our own awareness our son, our husband, our community and our world cannot remain unaffected.

As I took on the responsibility to change myself I realized there are men and women everywhere who were well down this path. I invented for myself a gender-neutral term, Fothering. It describes the role and actions of a man or woman who believes in the inherent right of babies and children to grow around a grown-up who has taken to heart the truth that you can be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi, 1869-1948). These big people respect, forgive and laugh at themselves and are therefore a salubrious influence on the little people in their care. They are continuing to challenge the intentions within themselves and value the significance of human interactions. They are forces of change within their own kitchens and the community outside their door because they effect change within themselves. They are everywhere. They are a force to be reckoned with individually or in pairs. A bunch of them together is going to change the world.

There is one thing to make clear before you read too much further. There are enough books telling us what we ought to be doing around our teenagers. This book is more about who you are being as a woman while youre doing things as a mother.

There has been a focus recently on the rise and fall of our teenage boys. Many authors go into detail to describe how their brains are developing, which is what causes them to misjudge the seriousness of situations or the implications of actions they may be about to take.

I recommend that you inform yourself about your sons development and there are many people who are better qualified than I to learn from. I will not be covering boys development in detail. I will be focusing on you and how your sons actions and developments impact on you and your life and some strategies to deal with it. Any detail about his development will, for the most part, only be used to support you to become aware of why his behaviour triggers responses in you and what you can do about it. Also, when I tell my own stories and those of other mothers, I have used the phrases one of my boys and one mother not only to protect their privacy but to let you know that these types of situations can happen to any boy and any mother.