Ann Smith - Overcoming Perfectionism: Finding the Key to Balance and Self-Acceptance

Praise for Overcoming Perfectionism

As I discuss in my new book Recover to Live: Kick Any Habit, Manage Any Addiction , you cant lead a productive and fulfilling life if unhealthy behavior is holding you back. Perfectionism can be just as damaging as many other compulsive behaviors. Ann Smith is among the best in the world at helping people to break lifelong patterns and find balance in their lives. I would highly recommend this book.

Christopher Kennedy Lawford

As a former Miss USA, Ive dedicated a lot of time to trying to be the perfect woman. In fact, I spent so much time trying to be the Tara that everyone else needed me to be that I wasnt in touch with my own needs. Ann Smith has helped me to develop and live in sync with my own values and authentic self. She has empowered me to love the woman I am today. I would recommend this book to anyone seeking self-acceptance.

Tara Conner , Miss USA 2006, Public Advocacy Consultant, Caron Treatment Centers

The drive for perfection is a painful dynamic that destroys relationships and leads to a life of despair, emptiness, and exhaustion. Ann Smith has taken her seminal work on perfectionism and created an inspirational and practical guide! Id recommend this book for anyone who is plagued by patterns of perfectionistic thinking or behavior!

Rokelle Lerner , Author of The Object of my Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists , Clinical Director Cottonwood Inner Path Workshops

I highly recommend Ann Smiths second edition of her highly successful book, Overcoming Perfectionism . She has taken her work to another level, one that will benefit all who are making the journey beyond their painful childhoods. Her work is very personal, but her willingness to share her knowledge and emotions will touch many readers. Her style of writing makes you feel that this book is just for you and so it is.

Robert J. Ackerman, PhD , Author, Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics , Professor and Program Director of the Human Services Degree Program at the University of South Carolina at Beaufort

Health Communications, Inc.

Deerfield Beach, Florida

www.hcibooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Smith, Ann W., 1950

Overcoming perfectionism : finding the key to balance and self-acceptance / by Ann W. Smith, MS.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-1720-0 (pbk.)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-1720-0 (pbk.)

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-1721-7 (e-book)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-1721-9 (e-book)

1. Perfectionism (Personality trait) 2. Codependency. 3. Compulsive behaviorTreatment. I. Title.

RC569.5.P45S65 2013

616.852dc23

2013001568

2013 Ann W. Smith, MS

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and its marks are the trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher:

Health Communications, Inc.

3201 S.W. 15th Street

Deerfield Beach, FL 334428190

Cover design by Lawna Patterson Oldfield

Interior design and formatting by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

To

Marilyn Hawn,

my friend,

confidante, role model,

and lifelong inspiration

Contents

Overt and Covert Perfectionism

The Never-Enough Syndrome: The Origins of Perfectionism

Who Are the Perfectionists?

The Price of Perfection

How Did I Get to Be So Good?

Learning to Live in the Middle

Making Your Life Easier with Acceptance and Humor

Imperfect but Healthy ParentingWhat Is a Healthy Family, Anyway?

Finding Balance in Imperfection

W riting a second edition of Overcoming Perfectionism has been an enjoyable and validating exercise for me. I do love to write, but I find it difficult to create the space and time to do it as much as I would like. This project has allowed me to go back to my own beginningsas a therapist, a mom, an aunt, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a director, and a friendand reflect on what I have learned and how I have grown. At the same time, I can see that my essence has not really changed all that much .

When I wrote the original Overcoming Perfectionism , I was a single mom with two children, ages seven and seventeen. I had just left my full-time job, moved sixty miles away, and built an irrationally large, six-bedroom house for my seven-year-old daughter, Lindsay, and myself. My son, Jeff, was going off to college, and I started my own business. I met the man who became my husband and married him soon after, expanding my little family with three more boys. We were a very nontraditional family with what seemed like a revolving door on our house. Build it and they will come was a frequent comment made by friends and extended family that proved to be very true.

During our first ten years in the big house, we were frustrated with the chronic problem of two leaking chimneys that made a mess of our two attic bedrooms. The builder brought in experts and tried everything the team could think of to fix the chimneys. They would be okay for a while, but then the leaking would start again. At the ten-year point, we thought we had it permanently repaired.

My husband helped me to expand my business during those years, and we were a good team. Through his career as a training director, he just happened to have the skills I lacked. This helped a great deal with my start-up private practice and five-and-a-half-day workshops.

As we approached an empty nest, breathing a sigh of relief that our five children were almost adults, we considered selling the big house and downsizing. After months of preparing for the move and having many showings, we were forced to take the house off the market because the leaks in the chimneys returned, and the house was just too big for most people.

We were also exhausted from the challenges of a blended family and raising so many teenagers, so we decided to enjoy our space while we figured out what was next for us. After three years of relative quiet, we decided to prepare the house for sale once again. Within what seemed like just a few days after that decision, the water heater gave out and a torrential rain caused the chimneys to leak once more, damaging the ceilings and leaving us no choice but to postpone the sale. With this setback, we were again in pause mode, when the unthinkable happened.

My husbands sister and her husband, who lived in a nearby town, were tragically killed, leaving three young children and two adult sons without parents. It was traumatic for everyone concerned and had a ripple effect throughout all of our lives. Our pause was then transformed, and all of our lives were sent in an entirely new direction.

In a few months, my husband and I were active parents once again, to three children ages twelve, fifteen, and sixteen. All available space in our big house was full once again. Then, much to our amazement, one week before the children arrived at our doorstep, a contractor we had not heard from in many months contacted us, saying that he had found a permanent solution to our leaking chimneys after fourteen years of trial and error. We were so grateful to have what we later called our house that God built. And although it was a tough adjustment for all of us, the children got exactly what they needed. They were secure in their own dry bedrooms, and more important, they were safe and loved by a family that shared and understood the trauma they had experienced. We are thankful that we have not had a single leak in seven years.