Natalie Franke - Built to Belong
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- Book:Built to Belong
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- Year:2021
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![Copyright 2021 by Natalie Franke Hayes Cover design by Jennifer Pace Duran - photo 1](/uploads/posts/book/283795/images/00001.jpeg)
Copyright 2021 by Natalie Franke Hayes
Cover design by Jennifer Pace Duran
Cover copyright 2021 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.
The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the authors intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the authors rights.
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First edition: August 2021
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Franke, Natalie, author.
Title: Built to belong : discovering the power of community over competition / Natalie Franke.
Description: Nashville : Worthy, 2021. | Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2021010564 | ISBN 9781546017684 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781546017691 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Loneliness. | Communities. | Social media.
Classification: LCC BF575.L7 F73 2021 | DDC 158.2dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021010564
ISBNs: 978-1-5460-1768-4 (hardcover), 978-1-5460-1769-1 (ebook)
E3-20210702-JV-NF-ORI
To Hugh, for loving me unconditionally and encouraging me relentlessly.
To Mom, for teaching your daughters that they can rise by lifting others.
To the leaders of the Rising Tide, past and present, who are fighting for community in a competitive world. You are the very best of us.
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Im tired of feeling alone.
The thought poured out of me before I had time to contemplate why. I desperately wanted to pull back those words like a hand on a hot stovetop, but I couldnt.
It was the truth. I hated the feeling, but it was right therestaring back at me with bleak desolation.
For ten years, I had checked off every box, followed the rules, climbed every rung of the ladder as I worked to build my career. And yet there I sat in a darkened room alone illuminated only by the screen of my laptop, with tears running down my cheeks.
All those goals I had set for myself, all the striving and achieving, had led me here. I had graduated with honors from an Ivy League school. I had turned my passion into a profession and used a camera to create a six-figure wedding photography business that took me around the world. I loved my work and the freedom and creativity it offered.
I had a broad network of friends and business contacts from around the country. I had married my high school sweetheart, and we were looking forward to starting a family one day. I had even discovered the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe and could make it without burning the edges. I was adulting on all cylindersby modern metrics of success, I had made it.
I should be joyfully living in my blissor whatever the self-help gurus say these daysbut I wasnt. I was sitting in my pitch-black office, literally and figuratively alone.
The only light in that dark, empty space that I could see wasnt a way out. It was my computer screen. Thousands of pixels served as both a gateway to the universe and a physical barrier between me and the outside world.
In that dimly lit office, I was a little girl sitting up against the glass window, watching the world go on outsidejust far enough away that she doesnt risk getting hurt by the challenges that come with living in community with others but close enough to realize just how much she was missing.
Living behind the screen made me successful in my career, but it also broke my heart.
The painful truth is that I found modern life to be incredibly isolating and competitive. I was communicating with others every minute of every day, and yet I was never truly connected to them.
All of my striving and hustling had left me longing for depth and belonging in what felt like a very shallow world. I needed help understanding why I felt so alienated, so unworthy of love and community. I wasnt sure how to overcome my persistent feelings of loneliness, but I did know one thing for certain:
If I didnt fix this, it was going to kill me.
You dont belong.
You are not enough.
Youre broken and alone.
Theyre not your friendthey are a threat.
They dont care about the struggles you face.
Their lives are perfect and yours is a mess.
You are falling behind and falling short.
You dont have anything to offer.
Truthfully: writing those sentences above feels uncomfortable. Honestly, it hurts to read those words, let alone write them.
Why? Because these arent hypothetical phrases or a made-up list of potential narratives floating around in some theoretical persons mindthese are actual thoughts that Ive painfully navigated in my darkest moments.
We need to belong in the same way that we need oxygenour physical bodies require it. Its knitted into the very fabric of our being. Humans are wired to live alongside others, and not just in some sort of parallel landscape of coexistence.
We belong to one another before we are even born.
Through the blending of genetic blueprints, through the weaving together of two other human lives, our own being takes shape. We cannot exist without the existence of others. There is no me without you.
From that initial spark of life, that first biological blending of our inherited genealogy, we travel into the space that we call home for our first nine months. Nestled deep within our mothers womb, we are connected to her through a lifeline that nurtures our every need. A cord that connects us in the darkness. A cord that remains with us until we meet the light.
Babies are a beautiful illustration of our biological interdependence.
However, connection doesnt begin and end in our earliest moments. Belonging remains critical in every season of our lives. It is a part of each stepping-stone along our journey of becoming.
In childhood we create friendships in school, and as adults we search for relationships in the workplace. The groups that we are a part of change as we ourselves evolve and grow. People walk in and out of our livesand some remain for the long haul. Belonging builds us and breaks us. It molds and shapes us. It transforms our understanding of ourselves and others. It is the foundation of the human experience.
Like tiles in a mosaic or musical notes in a symphonywe are separate parts of a collective masterpiece.
We are individual beings existing as a part of a group: a delicate dichotomy between our desire to be autonomous and our inextricable need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. Within social groups, both humans and other animals battle with the delicate balance between cooperation and competition. The ability to operate as a group is critical to the survival of the species. However, the individual also has a vested interest in being the one to survive and pass on their genetics to the next generation.
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