Tammy Nelson - Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement

Praise for Open Monogamy

Open monogamy is the #1 topic on so many of my patients minds and is fast redefining what it means to be a couple. Whether youre curious, contemplating, or creating an open monogamy plan, I can think of no one better than Tammy Nelson to guide you every step of the way through the peaks and valleys of your journey.

Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT

New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First

Tammy Nelson has provided us with a hopeful, practical, and realistic guide to creating honest, values-led, flexible relationship agreements. With exercises, conversation guides, and stories from real life and the therapy room, she illuminates infinite possibilities for crafting unique and flexible forms of monogamy.

Martha Kauppi, LMFT, CST-S

author of Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients)

Dr. Tammy Nelsons newest book, Open Monogamy, updates conceptions of monogamy to include the many different ways people relate today. With wit and compassion, and informed by decades of experience, Nelson guides readers through a deep consideration of how to build their ideal relationship. Open Monogamy provides thoughtful and useful guidance that is easy to understand and refreshingly free of judgment.

Dr. Elisabeth Sheff

author of The Polyamorists Next Door, Stories from the Polycule, When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous, and Children in Polyamorous Families

When you agree to become monogamous, you agree to exile the parts of you that want something more or different than what your partner can offer. Many are willing to make this sacrifice in return for the sense of security that comes from restricting their partners access to others. That restricting itself, however, can jeopardize relationships because those exiled parts dont disappear and, instead, may grow in influence over time.

In this well-written and researched book, Tammy Nelson offers her years of experience helping couples navigate the turbulent waters of reappraising their commitments and potentially opening their relationships. Her sage advice is comprehensive, covering the pleasures as well as the pitfalls of taking such steps, and individualizedopening has many meanings and includes a spectrum of behaviors. If you are considering such a move, you wont find better guidance!

Richard Schwartz, PhD

developer of the Internal Family Systems model and author of No Bad Parts

Open Monogamy provides a unique, creative road map for expanding your relationship in a healthy and honest way. Drawing on the experience of real couples, it provides expert advice and concrete exercises to help you live a life of passion while being true to yourself and those you love.

Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD

author of After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You?

Dr. Tammy Nelson is not just a brilliant sex and relationship educator, sought-after international speaker, and extraordinary author but also a forward-thinking thought leader in todays sexual revolution. In Open Monogamy, she guides and supports you and your partner to make the rules on your terms so you can stay together in a committed and healthy way while exploring other options in the bedroom, instead of just fantasizing about it. She makes this delicate conversation shameless. I love learning from Dr. Tammy and so will you!

Dr. Sherry Ross

author of She-ology and She-ology: The She-quel and cohost of the television series Lady Parts

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a relationship revolutionary. Her rethinking of monogamyas a practice, a continuum, and a flexible conceptis on point, actionable, and nothing less than a significant cultural shift. With Open Monogamy, she is back to blow minds and enhance partnerships.

Wednesday Martin, PhD

New York Times bestselling author of Primates of Park Avenue and Untrue

Tammy Nelson, PhD

Sounds True

Boulder, CO 80306

2021 Tammy Nelson

Sounds True is a trademark of Sounds True, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author(s) and publisher.

Published 2021

Cover design by Jennifer Miles

Book design by Linsey Dodaro

BK06162

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Nelson, Tammy, author.

Title: Open monogamy : a guide to co-creating your ideal relationship agreement / by Tammy Nelson, PhD.

Description: Boulder, CO : Sounds True, 2021. | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021019958 (print) | LCCN 2021019959 (ebook) | ISBN 9781683647461 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781683647478 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Non-monogamous relationships.

Classification: LCC HQ980 .N45 2021 (print) | LCC HQ980 (ebook) | DDC 306.84/23dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021019958

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021019959

This book is dedicated to my husband Bruce and to all our friends who make our lives exciting.

T his book applies to all couples and individualsheterosexual and LGBTQIA+ and to all races and cultures. It is written referring to the pronouns he/she and they. All references to male/female or men/women should be taken with the intent to describe the people interviewed or described as referenced, yet each scenario should be applied to your own personal situation as it fits, in as much as you can take what is said here and make it useful to your own life.

Open Monogamy is inclusive by nature. There is no intent here to harm or leave out any group, gender, orientation, race, or economic class. That said, privilege, inequity, and exclusion show up here just as they do in the overall culture. Also inherent in this book is the idea of couple privilege. Couple privilege means that the couple has more privileges in our society than the single individual. This is not argued for or against, but rather acknowledged as our predominant cultural model. I have used the term marriage to describe a couple who considers themselves primary partners. The couple may or may not be living together or legally married.

This is a book about partnership and expanding the definition of relationship. It is intended as a guide for two people who are committed and want to open their relationship to other people, on some level, in some way. In open monogamy, the primary relationship comes first. This arrangement is only one point on the monogamy continuum. Whether you decide to keep your partnership closed or find yourselves embracing relationship anarchy, you will find the tools here to do it together. Take what works and leave the rest.

Please take all of the content of this book in the spirit it is intended, to help, to support, and to send love to all who need it.

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.

Thich Nhat Hanh

W hat if you could have everything you wanted in a relationship? What is the marriage of your dreams? Does it include love, passion, and openness, without dishonesty or indiscretion? If you could be madly in love with your spouse