Tammy Nelson - Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together

This book is dedicated to Bruce, who has shown me true passion and love.

Shed Inhibitions and Reach
New Heights of Passion Together

Tammy Nelson

In my clinical work as a psychotherapist over the past twenty years, I have discovered that couples have a greater likelihood of staying together, and for longer periods of time, when they improve their sexual communication skills.

Unfortunately, the therapeutic world has had little training in helping couples explore their sexuality and communicate their erotic needs. If therapists are inexperienced when it comes to talking about sex, how can they help their clients work on these issues in their relationships?

Using a communication method called the Imago dialogue, I have developed specific techniques that have helped men and women recharge their relationships, and bring passion back into their lives. Its not unusual for couples to be relieved after learning how to talk about their fantasies and fears and discovering what can happen just from doing the exercises in these chapters. Anyone who hopes to be in a satisfying relationship can benefit from this work (and play!).

Learning ways to communicate about sex can help you become a better lover; you will bring more skills to your relationship. The intensity and eroticism will deepen, and the passion between you and your partner can connect the two of you for life.

Using the Imago dialogue is a new way of exploring your sexuality together that can bring you to new places. It provides you with a structure in which to explore your deepest fantasies and desires. It will give you the safety to talk to each other and finally experience being seen and heard. You will find a new way to ask for the sex you have always wanted. Perhaps there are parts of your sex life that you currently enjoy. There might also be some new things you would like to try. Maybe you have sexual desires that you have been afraid to talk about. Now you will have a language in which to express these desires.

Imago therapy was developed by Harville Hendrix, the author of the best-selling book, Getting the Love You Want.His book has helped millions of couples around the world ask for what they want and express their love for each other. Now you can use these time-tested techniques to expand your lovemaking and experience the intimacy and connection that will give you the passion you want and create a truly long-lasting partnership.

When you learn how to talk openly about sex, you will experience a greater level of intimacy and safety in your relationship. Loving feelings will then naturally increase toward your partner. A vital and healthy interest in sex along with a passionate curiosity for life are the ways to keep your relationship alive for a very long time.

Imago: An idealized mental image of another person or the self.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Normal wife closes her book and lies back on her pillows, exhausted. She listens for the kids, wondering whether they will get up for water or to use the bathroom. The night before, both children had climbed into bed with her and her husband and she wonders whether they are both coming down with colds.

She remembers that she has forgotten to check the dryer and let the cat in for the night. She thinks about getting up, but her feet are cold and she snuggles down deeper into the bed. Every muscle aches from her dayrunning to the grocery store, cleaning out her sons closet, picking up her husbands shirts at the dry cleaners, and painting the hall bathroom. She scratches her head for a moment, running her fingers through her hair and tries to remember whether she took a shower that day. Her flannel shirt and boxer shorts are warm and she closes her eyes for just a moment.

Another thought suddenly occurs to her. She wonders whether her husband will want to have sex tonight. She rolls over and pretends to sleep.

Average husband sits in bed with his laptop balanced on his knees. He peruses the long list of e-mails he has still not opened from work that day. He glances over at his wife as she snuggles down lower in the bed. He sees she is wearing her flannel shirt. He wonders whether this is the signal that there will be no sex again tonight.

Sighing, he turns back to his computer and flips down through his e-mails until he comes to one unfamiliar e-mail address. Unsure whether it is spam, he hesitates for a moment, and then clicks on it. It is a poorly disguised invitation to visit a porn site. He sneaks another glance at his wife, and she rolls over onto her side away from him. He clicks on the link. His computer screen immediately flashes onto a catalog of young, busty, half-clad girls promising to fulfill all of his erotic dreams. He moves his cursor over one particular girl, who looks him in the eye, and he clicks on her image. A larger shot of her, with her legs spread open, invites him to charge $9.99 to his credit card for another peak, to go deeper into the site.

He sighs, and taking his glasses off of his face, rubs his tired eyes. What he really wants is to have sex with his wife, to feel connected to her. But he wonders where the passion and energy have gone.

Marriage and long-term cohabitation breed familiarity, which can lead to a mundane erotic life. Marital familiarity can be comforting, but it doesnt lend itself to intense passion and sexual connection.

Learning to communicate sexual needs and desires early in a relationship can help contribute to an easier and smoother erotic connection later on. Sometimes its scary to talk about sex, especially in the beginning phases of a relationship. And yet, an early pattern of relating to each other in an open and honest way can make sex more rewarding later on. Consider the following example:

Girlfriend A lies under Boyfriend B. It is a Saturday night, and they are having sex. Missionary style.

This feels good, she thinks, but she wonders whether she should try and tell him that she would like to make love in a different way, using a new position. They have had sex in the missionary position every Saturday night for weeks now. How can she talk to him about what she would really like?

He seems to try so hard, she thinks. Her thoughts jump around as she lies under him: I dont want to make him think I dont appreciate how hard he

He wonders whether his girlfriend
will still want to have sex with him if he cant
perform like the porn stars. His performance
is a large part of what makes him feel like a man.

is trying to please me. But I wonder what else there is? And I wonder if he would mind if I used my own hand to give myself an orgasm? I dont think I could ever ask him that. I wonder if I should just fake an orgasm and make him feel good?

As Boyfriend B pumps into his girlfriend he worries that he might lose his erection. It has never happened before, but he has heard stories from his buddies that sometimes they have a tough time staying hard. He wonders whether she will still want to have sex with him if he cant perform like the porn stars. His performance is a large part of what makes him feel like a man. What happens if he cant always please her?

What if I cant last? he thinks. What if I come too soon?

He keeps pushing inside her, trying not to focus on how good it feels. He begins to feel more anxious. He wonders whether he can hold out until she climaxes. He wonders whether he will he know when she comes.