Tristan Taormino - Opening up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships

Tristan Taormino

I dedicate this book to every person who has the courage to live and love outside the box

I MUST ACKNOWLEDGE some of the pioneers in this field whose work has made it possible for mine to exist: Deborah Anapol, Joan and Larry Constantine, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, Raven Kaldera, Ronald Mazur, and Ryam Nearing. I had my first light-bulb moment about this topic at dinner with two friends after a panel discussion by Jill Carter, Queen Cougar, and Vi Johnson-they all unknowingly played a part in the early germination of the idea. Throughout the years, I have learned a great deal from classes about polyamory taught by Jon and Carin, Dossie Easton, Sarah Sloane, Anita Wagner, and Lolita Wolf. Several years ago, I worked jointly on a book proposal on this topic with Dr. Winston Wilde, and although we ended up not collaborating on the project, I am forever grateful to him for his knowledge, experience, mentoring, and love.

I would like to thank Jennifer Ferris of Kelsey Transcripts, Helen Boyd, and Emily Salzfass for their transcription work. Helen Boyd also provided invaluable research assistance. Tey Meadows assisted me in finding transcription help, located important legal articles, and sparked inspiration in me when it was greatly needed. Valerie White of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund was generous with her time and wisdom. Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson had a huge influence on this work; they shared rare books from their collection, discussed their experiences as Tantra and relationship coaches, and had innumerable conversations that helped me conceptualize key sections. Anita Wagner was an integral part of this book: she spread the word far and wide, distributed interviews, shared her insight, and on top of all that, single-handedly compiled the majority of the Resource Guide. Members of several Livejournal communities helped get the word out as I searched for interviewees. The incredible people who make up the Dark Odyssey community inspire and teach me year after year.

My agent, Andrew Blauner, helped kick-start this project after it had been shelved and gathering dust. He is my cheerleader, my gentle reminder, my advocate, and my friend. Thanks to everyone at Cleis Press for their support. My publishers, Felice Newman and Frederique Delacoste, accepted delays with grace and continue to be a joy to work with; Felice edited the manuscript herself and, as always, provided thoughtful, invaluable editorial advice.

My friends mean so much to me and have cheered me on in this project. Thanks to Arielle, Barb O'Neill and Dylan Bosseau, Clyde, Helen Boyd and Betty Crow, David Aguilar, Ira Levine and Nina Hartley, Kate Larkin and Johann vanOverbeek, Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnston, Mary DiStefano and Dana Wegener, Tey Meadows, Toni Amato and Opn. Thanks to my mother, who continues to support me unconditionally

Many writers' partners feel "widowed" when the writer starts a new book. My partner, Colten Tognazzini, is no different and yet he was an unbelievable support to me. I literally could not have researched and written this book without him. He organized responses from my LiveJournal posting for interviewees; he rewired the phone line, set up the microphone, and figured out the software so I could record all my interviews on my laptop; he fed me so I could keep writing; he edited the bibliography; he allowed me the time and space to dive headfirst into the project and let it consume me; he listened while I bounced around ideas; he picked up the slack and ran our businesses so I could concentrate on the book; he made me take short breaks so I wouldn't go insane; he let me work until my brain was fried and my eyesight blurry, then he gently told me to put the computer down.

And finally, my undying gratitude goes to all the people I interviewed. They took time out of their busy lives to answer my written interview questions, and some took even more time to talk to me on the phone or in person. They were truly excited about the book and willing to talk about nearly anything and everything. Their candor and courage is amazing; what they said and how they said it was invaluable. I learned so much from every single one of them. Their words, their voices, their struggles, their opinions, their successes, and their challenges make this book what it is.

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The Decline of Marriage and Monogamy Monogamy's Mythology Nonmonogamy as an Alternative Choice My Research Reading Opening Up

SECTION 1:

CHOOSING AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP

1 CHAPTER

Swinging Open Marriage Multilateral Marriage Gay Bathhouses and Sex Clubs Lesbian Collectives and Sex Wars Polyamory

13 CHAPTER

19 CHAPTER

Self-evaluation Why People Choose Open Relationships

33 CHAPTER

Consent Self-awareness Communication Honesty Boundaries Trust Fidelity and Commitment

SECTION 2:

STYLES OF OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

51 CHAPTER

Definition Examples Potential Issues and Conflicts

61 CHAPTER

Definition Beliefs and Attitudes Swinging Styles Community Etiquette Potential Issues and Conflicts

71 CHAPTER

Definition Beliefs and Attitudes Hierarchical Poly Nonprimary Partners Nonhierarchical Poly Nonsexual Poly Relationships

87 CHAPTER

Definition Potential Issues and Conflicts

95 CHAPTER

Definition Benefits of Polyfidelity Negotiation and Potential Issues

111 CHAPTER

Definition Consent and Agreement Potential Issues and Conflicts

SECTION 3:

CREATING AND SUSTAINING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

121 CHAPTER

Drawing the Outline Filling in the Details Negotiation Rules and Agreements The Myth of Equality The Relationship Contract

153 CHAPTER

Jealousy Envy Insecurity Possessiveness Feeling Excluded Coping with Jealousy Fear of Abandonment Resentment

173 CHAPTER

183 CHAPTER

New Relationship Energy Time Management Miscommunication Agreement Violation Seeking Help

203 CHAPTER

A New Desire A New Orientation A New Relationship Falling in Love From Monogamous to Nonmonogamous From Nonmonogamous to Monogamous From Primary To Nonprimary Coping with Change

227 CHAPTER

Benefits of Coming Out Risks of Coming Out Deciding What's Right for You Your Coming Out Finding Community Families, Tribes, and Networks

249 CHAPTER

Benefits and Risks of Coming Out to Children What to Consider Before You Tell Them How to Tell Them Practical Issues

263 CHAPTER

Safer Sex Sexually Transmitted Infections

Housing Laws Property Ownership Employment Benefits Legal Designations and Documents Children

295 CHAPTER

APPENDIXES

Books Conferences and Events GLBT/Queer Local and Regional Organizations National Organizations Online Groups and Lists Poly-friendly Professionals Research and Activism Spirituality Websites